Hi sandi2, Thanks for the reply. It looks like my posts are not making it through for some reason (my initial thread is littered with blank posts from me now).
I wrote it all out in word first, because I have had historically bad luck with bbcode forums, and was concerned something like this would happen. I have all my details, but not sure how to get them into the post since it keeps showing up blank. Hoping an admin will identify the issue.
I agree with your assessment, and can definitely appreciate that my apprehension could 100% be that it's uncomfortable recommendations (even if it's good - it's uncomfortable to consider).
Hopefully I can get my story up and see what if anything that changes. I'm sure like many before me, I feel like my situation is unique (I know it's not) and that I surely will yield special recommendations (I'd be surprised).
I've read tons and tons of posts about how or why WW lost respect for H and have a pretty good understanding about why this happened in my own situation. My question is how do you earn that respect back from WW when you are separated. My wife had an A (1 night stand) and immediately dropped the bomb the next day. She has her head down, steamrolling to a D completely distracting herself from feeling anything. She is definitely the WW you have described in your posts. She is void of feelings and has pathetic pity on me that she hurt me, yes I'm working on my Nice Guy Traits..Thank-you for any insight on how to get her out of her fog
Continue to focus on you- be the best you possible. Continue to GAL and find ways to improve yourself. Whenever there are any interactions with W make sure you present the best you. Wear nice clothes use a good cologne. Shave - Let her see that you are in the process of taking care of yourself and moving on.Always remain upbeat and positive. Good luck on your journey.
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
What typically causes the "Shine" to fall off of OM?
I think it can be a variety of things, depending on his sitch.
In a typical WW case, she is fogged out with her fantasy. When reality begins to break through the fantasy, she will see more clearly.
For example, if the affair partners are pushed together and have to deal with day-to-day reality stuff, it can quickly remove the thrill and passion that a secret affair offers. She starts seeing a side of him that was not obvious during the height of their secret fling. After all, he was partly responsible for breaking up a M, so it's not as if he is some "prize of a man". He'll start slipping. She'll start seeing.
For the WW who does not have a mental health issue, the fog will start to lift and she can see what she may have previously chose to overlook.
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What about in WW's that get D'd vs. ones that dont?
I don't think it matters, as far as the WW seeing the shine leave OM. She's chasing a fantasy. If she divorces her H and marries the OM before her fog lifts, then she is in for a sad, sad awakening when she discovers OM is not the man of her dreams after all.
As I have previously stated on your threads, after reading more information, I have come to suspect your W has a serious mental flaw. Comparing her to the "typical" WW........seems a bit pointless. (Hope that doesn't sound cold). Seeing her as a WW, gives false hope that she could come out of her fog and eventually work her way back to the H. I just don't believe this is the case with your W. I don't think she is in a fog, or chasing a fantasy. I don't think she is addicted to the feelings of limerence. She chooses her victim, uses him for some selfish purpose, then moves on to her next victim.
In the case of your W, it is not waywardness, but a much more severe psychological issue.
This is JMHO, for whatever it is worth.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I knew that my wife had lost respect for me over the years. Reading that list put it front and center. The story fits the script, I paid for everything while she worked on hers masters, and she eventually took over when she landed a great job, and then I became the SAHD. Eventually resentment set in, and I think she saw me as less than a man for it. She definitely lost respect and attraction for me as a result. Now I have a WW who is middle of a MLC. She conveniently forgets everything I have done.
Im worried my W may have some other issues. Shes probably apologized to me 2 times in 20 years, and those were half hearted. I dont see how she could ever come out of a MLC with an A, and show full repentence, admit everything, and seek forgiveness(even over a long peruod of time).
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
Reasons women lose attraction and respect for their H:
* The H is a control freak. This goes beyond a healthy interest or concern. He wants to control every aspect of the W (what she does, where she goes, who she talks to, what she wears, when she can visit her parents, etc.).
W has claimed this but it isn't true. I've just tried to be a responsible parent getting them to bed on time, healthy meals etc. I was also concerned that we didn't spend enough time together (1 night out in 6 months) so wanted W to make time for us.
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* H is emotionally insecure. He is jealous, suspicious, fears, worries, expects the worst case scenario, gets anxious, etc. He doubts himself as a man. He needs constant assurances from his W that everything is fine.
W has claimed this but I now know my gut feeling had been right because W was telling lies.
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* was financially supporting her schooling, and paying their bills. After her career takes off, she begins to see him having a lesser important job, with lesser responsibility, and lesser income. We often see this scenario play out when the H is a SAHD. In most cases....the W's attraction and respect will begin to fade.
Yep. I was supporting her career then I became a SAHD whilst also trying to work. W didn't value it and in fact seemed to be jealous, resented me, and undermined me in front of the kids.
Im worried my W may have some other issues. Shes probably apologized to me 2 times in 20 years, and those were half hearted. I dont see how she could ever come out of a MLC with an A, and show full repentence, admit everything, and seek forgiveness(even over a long peruod of time).
Stubborn pride is a terrible thing in a relationship. From the stories I've read over the years, many women try to pick up where the MR left off when they became involved in an A. They just want to slither in under the back door and not have to apologize or own their horrible behavior. They go back in, still blaming the LBS and still have the bad attitude, coldness, etc. This is where the LBS should push the brakes and say, "Hold up, b/c it's not that simple anymore". The LBS should have certain stipulations before the wayward spouse can resume their place in the MR. IMHO, this would be easier to acquire, if the couple are not living under the same roof at the time. It's much harder if they are already living together.
I hope you guys will pay close attention, please. I've seen those who just wanted the wayward spouse back, regardless if there was an apology, a talk, transparency plan, MC......or anything. They never required anything from their wayward spouse. Well, guess what? They were treated like garbage! If you don't set certain requirements for a reconciliation, and she's already living under the same roof with you..........then you probably will never get it at a later time. You cannot make this too easy for a wayward. They need to work to get back what they had. Speaking as a former WW, I can tell you men that she's not going to respect you whatsoever if you don't require that she take responsibility for her affair, apologize, answer any questions you may have about the affair, and anything else that you need in order to feel safe with her. If you don't require anything from her, you will be living in an unhappy MR from then on.
I've seen cases where the WW would try to slip back in without apologizing or anything, and the LBH should have told her that he would not agree to reconcile until she could show him she was serious about doing whatever it took to save their M. In some instances, she needed IC before resuming the MR......b/c her head may still be messed up, and b/c she has messed up her life and the lives of her family. Some couples need professional MC to get back to a healthy enough place to reconcile.
I'm just saying not to be too quick to take the wayward spouse back......just to have them back again. That is not what saves the M. The work is not automatically over when they come back. In fact, it's just starting, especially for the wayward.
BTW, thanks for all the replies to the thread.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you for that. I don't really think my WW will come back and want to R, but this post really helped me confirm that I am right to not want to let her just come back home if she does come knocking one day. I know her A will fall apart, but I've reached a point that I want to move on and hopefully find someone that actually wants to be with me. I'm definitely still mourning the loss of my marriage/family, but I don't miss her anymore. As much as I would love for my son to have both parents together every day, I definitely couldn't take her back the way she is OR the way she was before BD. Your perspective on WWs has been so helpful, and has made it a lot easier for me to see her and our situation for what it is.
Me: Late 30s WW: Late 30s M: 12 S: 7 BD: Late April '18 (Wife left next day) OM confirmed: July '18 (20+ years older)
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. - Psalms 34:18
