Not sure if that poster was trying to subliminily establish alpha by telling you how to express yourself when hurt in the guise of rules?
It was a simple request about what I prefer to read and what I do not. It was only a request. I didn't TELL ANYONE HOW TO EXPRESS THEMSELVES.
pain is free to use all of the curse words he wants. I would like to help him but I have no interest in sifting through profanity to get the details of the sitch.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
No bickering, it just sounded bossy and controlling. Like this thread should be about him, not anothers preferences. And i am surprised at conditions laid out to help a guy in need. Its weird to me to get offended by a guy pouring his heart out and weirder to ask him to stop for your convenience. I never again want to filter anything for anyone, unless it s causing someone pain.
Steve i think you give great advise and i am not caught up with your stich, but understanding how we come off to others can sometimes allow us to look more closely at ourselves, for our own sitches. I wonder if others u deal with IRL feel judged or criticized by you? Not trying to offend. I have tons of flaws myself.
Its hard coming on here and laying it all out there. Pain, you have been more open and honest then most. You really took an honest look at yourself and your contributions. Not a lot of people are gonna be capable of that type of self reflection. Not a lot of people can admit their mistakes the way you have.
I agree with all the great advice. Take it day by day. This is one of the absolute hardest things in life to get through. Your feelings are all normal and relatable. Most of us here have gone though similar versions of hell. Know that you will get through it.
Just some advise as a newcomer....read others threads, offer your advice. It helps you know you are not alone, and also helps you see that there are issues with a lot of our walkaways as well. Its not all you, ya know.
Its hard coming o here and laying it all out there. Pain, you have been more open and honest then most. You really took an honest look at yourself and your contributions. Not a lot of people are gonna be capable of that type of self reflection. Not a lot of people can admit their mistakes the way you have.
I agree with all the great advice. Take it day by day. This is one of the absolute hardest things in life to get through. Your feelings are all normal and relatable. Most of us here have gone though similar versions of hell. Know that you will get through it.
Just some advise as a newcomer....read others threads, offer your advice. It helps you know you are not alone, and also helps you see that there are issues with a lot of our walkaways as well. Its not all you, ya know.
My first a-ha moment came in April when I posted my situation on reddit (I have the same username there if you want to dig through my post history) and a person informed me about needing to GAL. That was when my journey officially began. SInce then, it's been working on GAL, but also juggling increasingly harder and harder decisions. One such example was when my partner told me about her feelings for <him> and asked if it was ok for <him> to meet our daughter. I asked what the extent of their relationship was. She said "casual". I saw no issue so I said "sure". I don't know if I made the mistake of "not forbidding her to meet our daughter". I don't know. I also requested that when it was time for things to get more serious that I be there. I still haven't met the SOB (I'm sorry...but f**k him. He isn't the bad guy but he's not helping matters either) and I don't know when I will. I do know that they're trying to "make good to me" (by doing things like giving me a father's day gift, or helping me with the house, or helping me find a job at his company because I deserve so much more money), but whatever gifts were bestowed to me by either one of them I asked to return it or I threw away myself.
Sorry, I rambled off. But I planted seeds of GAL. However, obsessing the thoughts of those two together dominated my thinking (even she told me I'm obsessing numerous times. How else should I react?). I struggled to GAL, but I made some progress. I went out and did my own thing. H@ll, I'm not ashamed to say this, but I also engaged in physical intimacy from a "provider" (It's something I have been doing every two to three months, depending on how much money I can save). And I'll be honest, I don't feel dirty. I feel like I'm truly learning how to please a woman while getting my own sexual and physical needs met.
But I've also been trying to hold on to little scraps of hope because...I don't know. Signs? Whatever. She told me it's over (does that count as "don't believe anything she says"?). When I finally admitted to her it's over, I truly started my journey.
I want to learn from this. I know I f**ked up. And I know what I need to do to fix it. I have a lot of work to do. And I've been studying, taking notes, getting counseling, GAL, working on myself, all of that stuff. I've echoed this to so many people and I'll say it again:
"I don't want to go through this pain again. I want and deserve my second chance. I just hope it will come at a time when I'm truly ready and hopefully that it won't take another 18 years to get my second chance."
Last edited by job; 08/05/1810:03 PM. Reason: edited a word
No bickering, it just sounded bossy and controlling. Like this thread should be about him, not anothers preferences. And i am surprised at conditions laid out to help a guy in need. Its weird to me to get offended by a guy pouring his heart out and weirder to ask him to stop for your convenience. I never again want to filter anything for anyone, unless it s causing someone pain.
Steve i think you give great advise and i am not caught up with your stich, but understanding how we come off to others can sometimes allow us to look more closely at ourselves, for our own sitches. I wonder if others u deal with IRL feel judged or criticized by you? Not trying to offend. I have tons of flaws myself.
Its hard coming on here and laying it all out there. Pain, you have been more open and honest then most. You really took an honest look at yourself and your contributions. Not a lot of people are gonna be capable of that type of self reflection. Not a lot of people can admit their mistakes the way you have.
I agree with all the great advice. Take it day by day. This is one of the absolute hardest things in life to get through. Your feelings are all normal and relatable. Most of us here have gone though similar versions of hell. Know that you will get through it.
Just some advise as a newcomer....read others threads, offer your advice. It helps you know you are not alone, and also helps you see that there are issues with a lot of our walkaways as well. Its not all you, ya know.
Juju, I hadn't thought of it that way and I can see how it could make you feel that way. Also, I appreciate you being so open and honest with me.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Its hard coming o here and laying it all out there. Pain, you have been more open and honest then most. You really took an honest look at yourself and your contributions. Not a lot of people are gonna be capable of that type of self reflection. Not a lot of people can admit their mistakes the way you have.
I agree with all the great advice. Take it day by day. This is one of the absolute hardest things in life to get through. Your feelings are all normal and relatable. Most of us here have gone though similar versions of hell. Know that you will get through it.
Just some advise as a newcomer....read others threads, offer your advice. It helps you know you are not alone, and also helps you see that there are issues with a lot of our walkaways as well. Its not all you, ya know.
My first a-ha moment came in April when I posted my situation on reddit (I have the same username there if you want to dig through my post history) and a person informed me about needing to GAL. That was when my journey officially began. SInce then, it's been working on GAL, but also juggling increasingly harder and harder decisions. One such example was when my partner told me about her feelings for <him> and asked if it was ok for <him> to meet our daughter. I asked what the extent of their relationship was. She said "casual". I saw no issue so I said "sure". I don't know if I made the mistake of "not forbidding her to meet our daughter". I don't know. I also requested that when it was time for things to get more serious that I be there. I still haven't met the SOB (I'm sorry...but f**k him. He isn't the bad guy but he's not helping matters either) and I don't know when I will. I do know that they're trying to "make good to me" (by doing things like giving me a father's day gift, or helping me with the house, or helping me find a job at his company because I deserve so much more money), but whatever gifts were bestowed to me by either one of them I asked to return it or I threw away myself.
Sorry, I rambled off. But I planted seeds of GAL. However, obsessing the thoughts of those two together dominated my thinking (even she told me I'm obsessing numerous times. How else should I react?). I struggled to GAL, but I made some progress. I went out and did my own thing. H@ll, I'm not ashamed to say this, but I also engaged in physical intimacy from a "provider" (It's something I have been doing every two to three months, depending on how much money I can save). And I'll be honest, I don't feel dirty. I feel like I'm truly learning how to please a woman while getting my own sexual and physical needs met.
But I've also been trying to hold on to little scraps of hope because...I don't know. Signs? Whatever. She told me it's over (does that count as "don't believe anything she says"?). When I finally admitted to her it's over, I truly started my journey.
I want to learn from this. I know I f**ked up. And I know what I need to do to fix it. I have a lot of work to do. And I've been studying, taking notes, getting counseling, GAL, working on myself, all of that stuff. I've echoed this to so many people and I'll say it again:
"I don't want to go through this pain again. I want and deserve my second chance. I just hope it will come at a time when I'm truly ready and hopefully that it won't take another 18 years to get my second chance."
pain, I am glad to hear you found GAL earlier. As I spend more time here reading people's sitches I truly believe that is the key to successful DBing.
My only advice is to please be careful with using GAL as an excuse to engage in unhealthy behaviors. LBSs are open to all sorts of addictions to ease their pain. While alcohol and drugs are always a big risk, sexual addiction is just as common. Engaging in immoral and illegal activity to try to ease your pain is dangerous physically, mentally, and emotionally. I think you said you have an IC, right? If I am not remembering properly then I highly suggest you get one. I would suggest using the money you've been using on these "providers" for a good IC to work through all of this.
Last edited by job; 08/05/1810:05 PM. Reason: edited a word
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I am seeing a MC/IC now. We're working on the reasons the relationship broke down and what I'll need to work on to fix myself for that for when I get the chance again. I am in the process of setting up a second IC (one that specializes in NGS) shortly. I've been reading the Nice Guy book and got my copy of DB yesterday when I can, but I also recognize that I need to GAL. That I can't just read books and go to therapy. I need to spend time with my daughter and play with her more, which I'll be doing much more of.
For the "provider", I am aware of the ramifications of this activity. I try my best to engage in it safely but I am aware of what it truly is. That being said, I don't want to go back to my pre-relationship years of lacking physical/intimate contact. It was hard enough never experiencing it. It's harder to have it lacking by standard means and knowing that your partner is getting her needs met. It's not fair. I'm going once every three months because that's what I can do. I know there is an end to this. A healthy one. But right now, I don't see it. So I'm doing the best I can to cope.
I'm at a small crossroads. My partner has been really trying to keep the peace as much as possible. This includes things like keeping our house upkept and working out financial plans. And decorating the house. She is asking for my permission to put new sheets and curtains for my bedroom. I haven't responded yet. What should I do?
Ju mentioned your sitch to me and I am dropping in to read your sitch.
I want to be very straight with you, your W isn't a WW (wayward) but a WAW (walkaway).
Do not treat W as wayward. That it the worst of all treatments for a walkaway. If anyone here refers to your W as wayward then make sure you understand that she isn't.
The standard advice in DB and DR applies to you, I trust you have read them over and over again. If not you should.
You are in pain because of your shame and underlying FOO. This clearly needs addressing otherwise I think this can't be resolved. You are here wanting to repair your M and that alone makes you the one who concerns me most.
The roots of the shame and FOO have somehow lead you to rating yourself as a man based on sexual performance. And the sexual drive means you are self soothing with sex. I don't judge we all have our outlets and a high drive is certainly mine. Sex for its own sake is one way of coping and I am not adverse to it as an outlet. The issue I think is that this behaviour represents more than that to you and will get in the way of true connection.
You want to repair your M, that M is over. And you will have to seek a new M with W, to do that it is obvious to me that you will have to become a man only a fool would leave. And your current acting out to resolve the FOO and shame is just going to drive you further into a mire.
Of course sexuality is important but more important is connection. And love of your precious D3. For this alone for you to become a dad of true merit, your values have to be addressed.
For some reason your boundaries and ethics seem skewed, but these aren't a reason for you to escape the consequences of your behaviour. It's putting your big boy pants on despite the pain and addressing the shame and FOO.
For that reason YOU must work on YOU. Otherwise within a short period of time you will be back here or repeating the loop.
And go get tested, immediately.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
