I completely understand there are no quick fixes, and my W may never snap out of it. That said, its been a year and a half that ive known something is going on and at least 2 years since my W said she was feeling different (crying all day on bday for no reason). Since it has been so long already, and I wasted so much time doing the wrong things as many of us here do in the beginning, Id like to make sure I am following the correct path. Some of Sandi2's advice and candid revelations have really hit home.
Very true that a MLC wasnt an excuse to go have an A. She was of sound mind to honor our covenant. I could have respected her saying we have to work on this and that, or I cant stay. That would have been the better choice imo. Right now she is showing how selfish she is, admittedly.
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
What makes my story a bit worse is that my W doesnt have anyone in her life other than me to tell her what she is doing is wrong, and I stopped a while back after I became educated on MLC etc. I dont have a great relationship w/ her family because they were estranged for the majority of our relationship. That said, her two siblings have been hanging out with her and OM for at least a year. You would think that one of them would have the decency to say something to her, perhaps hey your married and have a family at home so this isnt right??? Her parents seem to believe whatever she tells them so nothing there. This is what i have to deal with, she gets to cheat on her family, and still looks like she is great.
Ive been working on my own business this weekend and had a meeting with a mentor about it, so that was good for GAL. Even though Im trying to keep busy, my emotions are on a roller coaster ride, and it seems like its mostly on the way down. This coming week ill get back in the gym and start working out again. Ill also start getting back into motivational/self help books as well.
I dont initiate contact with my W anymore. Basicall all calls/texts start with her, even though those are rare. She might text 1-2 times a day and possibly give me a rare call if there is something to discuss that doesnt involve R(son etc). When W is at home she spends 99% of time in the bedroom hovering over her phone and messaging, she doesnt interact with us much really. Other than our S and bills, we literally have no relationship anymore. Shes full speed ahead with OM.
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
Had a great time with the S this weekend. Im really trying to make sure I make it all about S & I. It really upsets me that he has no idea what my W is up to, and that she lies to him about what she does when she is gone. He thinks shes at a conference, while shes actually on a trip with OM and lying to both of us. At what point does son deserve to know the truth? I dont want to make it about me, but I also dont want him to keep thinking mom is so great and flawless either. One day she will have to answer to my S and God for this. He has no idea why his mom is gone all the time, comes in at 4 am, or why she doesnt tell us where she is going.
I bring up my S, because my wife has her family under the impression that Im some loser who didnt want to help out financially which is faaaar from the truth. It seems she has enlisted her siblings to lecture my S about how mom provided everything for him all by herself. My S came back and told me that it was a blatant attempt to make it seem like I didnt do anything over the years. I've given soooo much over the years and have been all about my family, so this hurts. Get family only knows her version of the story which is basically all she wants them to know. She learns on this for justification for her A.
Even though my W thinks otherwise, Ive stood up for her qith my S and told him how good of a mother he has. I couldnt have originally picked a better mother for my S, she was awesome, second to none. Even today, Id say she is still a good mother, just not what she was before MLC came into her life. Im thankful that she hasnt gone completely rogue like some stories I have read about. That said, I dont want her trying to turn my son against me because she is envious of how close we are, and I would never try to turn him against her even though she is lying to him right now.
Last edited by equalzr; 07/30/1803:36 PM.
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
Hey equalizer...hows it going? I see you wrote on my thread and I appreciate that. It seems we just like to hang in there praying for a miracle aren't we. Like Sandi told me. The WW has no idea the hurt they are putting on the H's and family. They are a different creature in every way. So selfish to the max. My W was never ever that way until now. When she is with the kids she does well I think. But once they're with me she is FREEEEEE!
So what are we going to do about it ? Its always easier said than done. But somehow we need to stop enabling them to continue on like this. In my case I can't kick her out because she already left. In your case, how hard would it be to get her to leave? From outside looking in, I feel your W needs to be on her own. If everyone already thinks you're a dead beat dad/husband. Show em you can do it with out her. At this point I see your W as a cake eater. She is living the best of both worlds. And for the length of time she's been doing it, she is pretty dam comfortable. I'm not sure if that is an option for you or not. But ask your self at this point, What do you have to lose? I think there comes a point where you have to really put your foot down. For me right now it would make it way worse. Right now, I am trying to detach and let her see what its like not to have any of my presence, its easier said than done because even right now I want to reach out to her. But I'm also mad at her right now. I really think their day is going to come. Youre W is using you as a babysitter so she can go out till 4 am. If you were to separate and even do 50/50, it would cut into her fun time. But it would also be harder and more stressful for her. You would go a little stir crazy but in time you will see the changes. Idk...just some food for thought. Lane
ME 47 W 38 M17 T20 Separated 5/20/18 D-bomb 7/9/2018 Nothing Filed 4 kids ages 6, 10, 14, 15
Im doing a better job of detaching. I keep text responses short, and im not in a hurry to respond anymore. Is it bad for me to ignore the part of the W's text that asks how am I doing (just general talk)? I try to keep it simple, dont ask any questions, and really only talk about our S. Its still kind of weird being that we live together.
I slowly feel myself drifting away from W. I guess thats the point of detaching. Also, there is a lot of bitterness and disgust toward her creeping in. I obviously still love her, but these other emotions are very real.
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
It is about loving ourselves, equalzr. It´s about respect. It´s about what you want for your life. About how you want to raise your S. He is seeking for role models at his age. Be there for him.
You´ve got the tools, so, like LH says, it´s time for action.
I was a wayward husband. All the feelings sandi wrote about...I had them all. My w stood there in the storm. I saw her there. And the first feeling I got back was not love, it was respect. So get that respect back.
You can do it. You need to move. Action!
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
I dont even know how we got to it, because i try to avoid conversations about us like the plague, but it ended up with her implying her A was justified because of things she has put up with over time. I know their thinking isnt rational for the most part, but to try to justify the fact that youve been having a PA is beyond me. How does anyone justify that? Then to look at me with evil in her eyes as if Im the bad guy in this is completely crazy. All the while everyone thinks she is the saint(her family plus counselor).
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
...but it ended up with her implying her A was justified because of things she has put up with over time. I know their thinking isnt rational for the most part, but to try to justify the fact that youve been having a PA is beyond me. How does anyone justify that? Then to look at me with evil in her eyes as if Im the bad guy in this is completely crazy. All the while everyone thinks she is the saint(her family plus counselor).
Yup that's the famous "rationalization hamster" at work. She's fully in WAS-land where up is down and down is up and adultery is justified and she is right and you are wrong. The best way to react when a WAS says idiotic things like it being your fault she's having an affair is to look at her like a 3rd eye suddenly sprouted in the middle of her forehead. Like- curious, astonished, disbelieving all at the same time, right? Don't argue with her or anything, just give her that WTF look and maybe shake your head and walk away. Here's the thing- she KNOWS it's wrong. She KNOWS what she is saying is stupid. So you don't need to tell her. If she chases you down and challenges your reaction just tell her you've got nothing to say to her.
Listening and validation is great, but not always appropriate. I think when a WAS is going off the rails like this you do not validate.
