I hate to come off as judging, but just what in the heck are you doing with a hooker? You justify it by saying you've only had 1 sexual partner and now you have to have sex. Man, I've had plenty of partners, and plenty of times I went months and months, including recently, without sex. Sex is nice, but you can live without it. Looking back on it all, I wish I would have saved sex until marriage and only had that one person with nothing else to compare it to.
I hope you didn't pick up anything.
By being sexual with someone other than your W, I imagine you are violating your vows. I don't know why most people don't list their exceptions to their vows when they say them. To me, it's a freakin joke how everyone in society is like "well, you're separated so dating is fine." Just go ahead and get a divorce if you want to date someone else. And if you aren't sure, just sit tight. Do you like that your W is seeing someone else? What's the golden rule again?
I feel like you are blaming you upbringing and conservative family for not educating or exposing you to sex enough, but you made your choice, not them.
Maybe this is too much and people will get mad at me, but this is just what it looks like for me and everyone has a different perspective.
I hope you continue to get yourself to a better spot. There's a podcast on spotify called "The Science of Happiness". It's pretty cool and it's free.
Also, can someone please explain what FOO stands for?
I hope not either. I find out Monday.
That being said, if you have read my earlier posts, I have suggested that my W is likely having a PA as well as a EA. I have not found evidence, but I know. Call it instinct, whatever. Now, I could take the moral high road and swear it off until I get M again...to whoever. But it's not that simple. Nor is it fair. Yeah...I'm throwing a tantrum about it. Yeah, I know life isn't fair. But you know what? Sh*t happens. Everyone makes mistakes. W did. I did. W will. I will too. The fooling around with a provider gave me an easy way to relieve myself. I was safe. Was I safe enough? I don't know. And I also don't know why I should be defending myself or justifying my actions to anyone. I just know it felt good and it was what I needed at the time.
I had a very difficult time obtaining sensual contact through passionate means (I was single until I was 27. No sex until then). To have been turned down again and again and again and again...you do know how that f**ks up your confidence, right? And to finally have it given to you at this late in your life and get it taken away at the age of 37, not knowing when the next time you'll experience it again if you ever do. Call it PTSD, call it what the f*ck ever. SUMMARY: I'VE ONLY HAD ONE SEXUAL PARTNER AND I EXPERIENCED IT AT THE AGE OF 27!!! I can't go down that road again. It was brutal. I just needed validation that I was worth a damn and felt attracted to. It was cheating in many forms. I know. But I didn't (and truthfully still don't) care. I have no guilt. And I will man up and face the consequences just as my W will. As far as my family history goes. It is what it is. I DO NOT blame them for my sexual difficulties. That sh*t is on me. And I stopped blaming them for my behaviors towards W that led to this situation. I made peace with that and I made peace with them. I'm working on moving forward and healing from my abusive childhood.
And no. I don't like it at all that my W is seeing someone else (who the f*ck does?) I HATE the fact my W is seeing someone else. HATE it. And do you know what's worse? That I can't do a damn thing about it. I care a lot about this M. That's why I'm here so that I can learn to wring every drop of chance I can, even if there is nothing to wring out. If there isn't a chance, then I have learned the process and move on with my life, being a better man for having to go through this.
If I really wanted the D, I'd not have bothered to post here or get the books. A DIVORCE isn't just some paper you sign and two people are free to go do what they want. There are life-long consequences that affect not just the H and W, but their kids, family, and friends. Please tell me you read the DB books. I started and that's like the first thing she talk about is the devastating consequences a divorce can have. I don't want that. I'm trying to avoid that as much as I can.
pain I still address this provider thing one last time because you've deluded yourself about it.
1) Paying for sex is the opposite of feeling attractive. Anyone can find someone to pay for it, how does that validate you and make you feel attracted to?!?
2) It showed a level of selfishness that suggests why you are in your sitch. You've started multiple times "I dont care". Yeah that is THE problem. It makes me wonder if you'd even be trying to save your marruage if not for sex. What would happen if your wife got injured in an accident or a medical problem that rendered her unable to have sex?
3) This could completely ruin your chance at R. If your W ever found out I doubt she'd be open to R. Not many women I know want to be with someone that's been with a, forget there word provider lets call it what it is, a prostitute.
This is all about getting you right pain. You have to become the best you can be and this is the opposite of that. You're not an animal, you can control that side of you. Talk to your IC about it as had already been suggested.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
pain I still address this provider thing one last time because you've deluded yourself about it.
1) Paying for sex is the opposite of feeling attractive. Anyone can find someone to pay for it, how does that validate you and make you feel attracted to?!?
I don't know Steve. I know what it is and I know that I don't feel attracted to when I went to the prostitute. I just needed to be validated somehow. This felt like the only way.
Originally Posted by Steve85
pain I still address this provider thing one last time because you've deluded yourself about it.
2) It showed a level of selfishness that suggests why you are in your sitch. You've started multiple times "I dont care". Yeah that is THE problem. It makes me wonder if you'd even be trying to save your marruage if not for sex. What would happen if your wife got injured in an accident or a medical problem that rendered her unable to have sex?
Steve, how is it selfish when I'm trying to cater to my own needs while she has hers catered to on what I assume a weekly basis? Is this another NGS thing in which I should feel that if "she is getting it, I should be as well"? Not being defensive. Genuine question. That being said, everyone here has stated the potential dangers of me continuing to see...the prostitute. I'll stop. No more plans for future visits. And if my W got injured in an accident that left her unable to have sex, then so be it. That's my punishment. I will love her how she is and I will have to make due.
Originally Posted by Steve85
pain I still address this provider thing one last time because you've deluded yourself about it.
3) This could completely ruin your chance at R. If your W ever found out I doubt she'd be open to R. Not many women I know want to be with someone that's been with a, forget there word provider lets call it what it is, a prostitute.
I get it. Again, I still feel like it isn't fair, but it's not about fairness, is it? (Genuine question) I took, as my MC said, a much harder path than my W is taking. I have to accept the difficulty of it, caveats of sex included. Again, no plans of future visits.
You know...I always felt that God has made things work out somehow for me. My childhood, my high school years (amazing), my college years (hard at first but I graduated with honors), my search and achievement of getting a GF who eventually became my W, my journey of being unemployed that ended at the right time, finding three amazing places to rent and live at, the birth of my daughter (she was born three months early. 46 days in NICU. And she is a beautiful, strong, happy D4), the purchase of a house, and, finding a job after 7.5 years of torment from my boss.
I believe that God has a plan and when it comes to fruition, I'll be even happier than before. He knows my wishes just as well as you do. But what has he decided? I can only hope.
This part is hitting close to home. When W nagged, in a way she was trying to create emotional closeness. I took it as a personal attach and asked for space, which I never really got. W kept pushing to me, I kept pushing away. Sometimes, we make up. Most of the time, I buried that stuff.
I'm getting W more and more each day. I'm slowly making progress with reading these books. Will keep updating.
And hoping for a follow up on previous posts. Now that my issue with paid sex is in the open, I want to work on buttoning this up. With IC and with you folks here.
"The Calm before the storm"
Oh my God...this is exactly what happened with my M. She stopped complaining two months before our TS. I should be fortunate there the ties aren't completely severed, but there are few threads remaining. I'm hoping I can work on adding more, in conjunction to my needs being addressed. Is that too much to ask of me right now? Am I a little zealous?
I wish you lived closer to me man. I'd take you out and help you get rid of some of those doubts you have about yourself. It's totally possible, and easier than you think.
Start by really busting your @ss at the gym. Run/walk in the mornings, weights in the evenings. Floss daily, whiten your teeth, dress well, eat well, live well. Find little things that make you happy whether that's cooking or reading or going out with friends or sports. Meetup.com brother. Find some friends.
Paying someone to sleep with you is not validation that you are worth a d@mn, only that your money is. Also, that means you have had more than one partner at this point. There are so many women out there! Talk to them! Let them know you're interested. Be real! Not all women will like you, some will play games, and some may be worthwhile. That's just the way it is.
What does FOO mean?
Last edited by job; 08/05/1809:59 PM. Reason: edited several words
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I wish you lived closer to me man. I'd take you out and help you get rid of some of those doubts you have about yourself. It's totally possible, and easier than you think.
Start by really busting your @ss at the gym. Run/walk in the mornings, weights in the evenings. Floss daily, whiten your teeth, dress well, eat well, live well. Find little things that make you happy whether that's cooking or reading or going out with friends or sports. Meetup.com brother. Find some friends.
Paying someone to sleep with you is not validation that you are worth a d@mn, only that your money is. Also, that means you have had more than one partner at this point. There are so many women out there! Talk to them! Let them know you're interested. Be real! Not all women will like you, some will play games, and some may be worthwhile. That's just the way it is.
What does FOO mean?
Brother,
Many folks, including my parents, wished they lived closer to me so they can help me through this time as well. That being said, just having folks to lean on while I go this painful journey is what I'll happily take right now. Thank you.
FOO - Family of Origin.
I'm working on the gym part now. Since my peak of 253 pounds, I have lost 12 of it in 6 weeks. I'm doing a lot of walking and playing with my D4. I'm also starting to take more pride in my house. I'm working on landscaping my yard as well as cleaning things up to make this place my own. I've been shaving more, trimming my beard, teeth care, and overall taking better care of myself. Small but noticeable steps.
I know about the paid sex part. And I am done. As painful as it is to not have my needs met it's not therapeutic. Matter of fact, I don't think even a FWB would be beneficial right now. I will work on my people skills, my flirting game, and getting my confidence back and taking it to new heights. I'm not seeking action. I'm just seeking legit validation. A form of a phone number, playful flirting in return, something small to show that "Yeah...this pain18 dude is legit. I'd like to know him more." I am not thinking dating. I'm not thinking R with OW. I'm just seeking confidence.
That being said, I'm very broken and need to work on fixing me first. And I'm taking a lot of steps. I started my NGS therapy today and some assignments that I'm going to follow.
More to come. I've been the happiest I've been in a long time during this trial.
Last edited by job; 08/05/1810:00 PM. Reason: edited several words
Thanks. Today is the day we spend the day together at the house, which is the hardest day of the week for me. Her being out is also very hard because I know she is with him. It's so hard not to think about that but GAL helps immensely. It's only when I settle down for the evening that she and him flood my thoughts and I get knocked down again. I'm working on navigating through it but I am also focused on my healing.
She's not my X at this time right now. Hopefully it won't get to that point.
And I'd be happy to share some bulletpoints from my first session:
- I need to be generous and kind to myself. This means working on my confidence - Physical, Mental, and Emotional. The weight loss is a good start. Weight training to start soon. I'm happy with what I accomplished this weekend. And no one is going to take that away from me. Even W, though she did not agree with some of the landscaping decisions I made, admired the hard work I have been putting into the house. While that was a nice thing to say, I was not doing it to please her. I was doing it because I want to love my house and show that I care for it deeply.
- Learned that we taught ourselves to be who we are by others. The way we know who we are is if someone is showing a reflection of myself (in this case, W).
My exercises for the week:
- As I go through my week, don't say "I don't know" or "I don't care". What he means by that is to be affirmative in the decisions I make and not let others choose for me. The point of the exercise is to not seek approval or validation by others (by anyone but especially W). Look inside and decide what I prefer and take the courage to share it.
- Release the control and fantasy of what others think about me. Not everyone is judging me.
- Exercise my muscle of being open and honest.
And most importantly (this goes especially for my W):
Embrace the fact that I cannot control what other people see and think.
I have my next session in two weeks time. After that it will be group sessions.
