Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Please tell us more about your situation. What makes you think your wife is experiencing a MLC or a WAW?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Here is the background of my situation. So my wife and I have been married coming up on 10 years this September. We have a 6 year old son. I'm 38 ; W is 37. During the birth of our son, he was fully breached which caused my wife to have an emergency C-section. A month afterwards, she decided to have an IED inserted and said she never wanted to experience a C-Section again and just wanted to have one child. I was always supportive in her wishes but also said I hoped to have more children in time. She kept the IED in for 3 years, then decided she wanted to pursue having more children at age 34 so we started to try. After several months with no luck, she consulted with a doctor and started to go through several measures and procedures to identify that she could no longer produce eggs. At that point, she made a decision to take a $25k loan against her 401K to buy eggs from an egg bank in a last attempt.
I have had a recent history of having depression and anxiety and used to cope with it with drinking. During this time in trying to have more children, it only added to my anxiety and my drinking increased. In early 2016, I ended up getting a DUI at the point in which my wife was finally to the point where her doctors felt she would have the best opportunity to have the eggs inserted. This manifested in my increased depression in dealing with it. As a result of my DUI, I lossed my previous job and it took me several months to get reestablished, but during that time, I used some of our savings to maintain our standard of living. I have been sober for 2 plus years and am active in AA. During this period, W decided to put off attempt to have more children while I worked thru legal situation and job hunt. While these were challenging times, W & I worked through things and I thought we had come to a good space with my continued involvement in AA and recovery along with getting a new job. In late 2017, W informs me she is now in menopause and can't have more children.
Over the next 2 years, I thought we had come a good space in our marriage with my continued sobriety and new job. In late 2017, W mother was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer. Over next 4 months, I sacrificed my job (it requires significant travel) and stayed home to make sure that our son's routine wasn't changed while my W would spend every day at the hospital to be with her mom. In Jan,18, W's sister did a blood transfusion in a last ditch effort to get cancer into remission. In Feb.18, it was determined that the transfusion didn't take and within 4 days, mom passed away. My W was able to put on a strong face and took the role of being primary contact in communicating with family and friends of her mother. But when she would come home, I started to sense it was an act and she was truly hurting.
A month to the date of her mothers passing, she announces that she wants to leave me and thinks she wants a divorce. This was a complete shock to me at the time as I thought I was being a supportive H and trying to let W do whatever she needed to grieve. Another added stresser was that the DA held off on filing charges stemming from my DUI for almost 2 years ago, so this is another hurdle that continues to progress thru legal process. A month after W's BD, she moves out of the marital home and rented another house about 15 miles away. As she leaves, she says many things indicating that there was still opportunity for us to work on M and that we would only be separating at this time. W also took the gloves off and put 100% blame on me for the diminished state of MR and then threw out all of my "character defects" in my face, saying that she lost respect for me and that my depression, anxiety, and past issues with alcohol were too fresh to continue to stay in M and that she had a "Life's too short" moment after her mother died. Since she's left, she insisted I put our marital home on the market and indicated if I could follow through, she would consider CC, etc.
After my initial shock of W leaving, I immediately started to work on myself. I started seeing IC, engaging further with my church, increase my involvement in AA, establishing old relationships with friends and develop new ones, as well as hitting the gym and making sure I have a healthy diet. I have since lost 65 lbs and have been able to come to a space where I'm back to "my old true self" along with have an improved outlook on life in spite of my pending legal sitch. I have truly been able to forgive myself and become happy with the person I see in the mirror. I always claimed that I was making these changes for myself, but selfishly in the back of my mind hoped it would entice W to warm back up in to MR. Come to current date, all the reasons my W initially said she left have now been removed with my ongoing work and changes that I'm implemented. I have given her time, space, and maintained distance in hopes this would bring her back. A month after she left, she said my changes weren't sustainable and dismissed my progress. 3 months after DB, she still claims my changes aren't sustainable and comments that she has resentment that it took her leaving for me to make these changes.
During my limited interaction with W over the last 4 months, I've maintained a calm, consistent, and compassionate approach with her. W initially tried to establish an 80/20 split with S, but I got assertive with that demand and established an expectation of 50/50 which she agreed to. As I have regained my center and "manhood" my wife hasn't really known how to interact. She has kept her distance and has refused any attempts to work on MR. She continues to send many mixed signals as she has done a couple of "drop ins" to our house for random stuff. She has also stated that she has gone down this path far enough that she doesn't think I could ever forgive her. I have maintained that I have absolute love for her and she knows my desire to keep MR and family intact. To my knowledge, there isn't OP, but not 100% sure.
I've read DR and have also engaged in active readings such as No More Mr. Nice Guy, The Rational Male, Hold onto Your N.U.T.S, etc along with exploring DB forums. All signs point to W having MLC. With the loss of her mom, along with being in menopause. She has made some crazy proclomations to me, but she won't listen to anyone that doesn't have a biased opinion. However there are also times that she acts as if she's doing very well with her new life and being independent and it makes me wonder if she is just a WAW.
The only interactions that W & I have had about R occurred a couple of weeks ago over phone. I was finally able to get out my thoughts and desire to keep our family intact from a space of conviction. W teared up and said she had a lot to process and think about, but since that time, she has only gotten more distant and cold.
I continue to maintain my consistent approach on working on myself, GAL, acting AS IF, being the best father I can be, and be as compassionate as I can when I do communicate with W. I have tried my best attempt at NC over last 2 months, but it didn't seem to have any impact. I've been working on detaching with love over last few weeks, but W will do or say something to reel me back in.
Any feedback would be appreciated. I'm doing my best to prepare for the worst, but continue to hope for the best in keeping my family together. I know its been 4 months, so in retrospect that's not a lot of time, but my changes have occurred pretty drastically.
Any input or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!
Me - 38 W-37 S6 M 10 years T 13yrs BD 3/18 W moves out 4/18 W files 7/18
W also gave me the standard ILYBNILWY and that I was the cause of her unhappiness. Since BD, wife has also indicated that she is now not happy with her job and is considering making a change with that as well....so in 4 months, her mom dies, she moves out and rents new home, say's I'm 100% to blame for our marriage issues while not accepting any role, and now is seeking a new job.
I have communicated to her that the only one that is responsible for her happiness is herself, which is something that I've learned during this transition period. I've tried to approach this entire situation as an opportunity to do some personal development and work on myself. Just pray that I have the forbearance and hope that W will come to terms and work through her issues at her own pace and can warm back up to MR. Just think ego and pride and huge factors now in that she doesn't want to come back after making some serious proclamations about me. She has also gaslighted our entire marriage to make things sound that it was horrible all the time.
Me - 38 W-37 S6 M 10 years T 13yrs BD 3/18 W moves out 4/18 W files 7/18
Some of the things that my wife has said or insinuated: 1. "Your just a guy that I had a kid with" 2. Your incapable of change 3. Anything you do won't be good enough for me, I deserve better. 4. Said entire marriage was horrible, despite 3 months prior saying how happy she was and couldn't wait to spend rest of our lives together.
Me - 38 W-37 S6 M 10 years T 13yrs BD 3/18 W moves out 4/18 W files 7/18
Thank you for sharing additional info w/us. It sure sounds like she's off in La La Land. When you have an opportunity, read the homework in the Welcome Posting that Cadet created and also take a trip around the forum. You will see that many of the things that your W said are typical of someone in crisis. Her mother's passing fits the timeline of her downward spiral into MLC.
Protect your assets, i.e., bank accounts, credit cards, etc. Take time and check your credit history as you may not be aware of any additional loans/cards that she may have acquired leading up to her crisis. Many of them will begin to spend like crazy on stuff just to make themselves feel good. Some gamble, take up drinking/drugs and other addictive behaviors. All they want to do is feel better. They don't realize that being happy comes from within.
Please take care of yourself, try to keep the focus on you and your family. Dig deeper for patience as this is a very long process and one that will try your patience. It's not a sprint, but a marathon. Come here to vent, chat or ask questions.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I have been emersing myself into these forums and all are excellent.
So S6 currently has a 2 week gap between summer camp and when school starts. I travel for work pretty extensive over this time and I had to rearrange S’s custodial arrangements during my time away. W has first right of refusal per temporary court order. She committed to taking him during the time I would have had with him.
It turns out now that W has reached out to my side of the street and has pawned son off every night this week (my mom, brother/sil) as she plans every night.
This frustrates me due to no sense of normalcy for my son along with a boundary she established when she first left that we don’t contact each other’s extended family. On one hand, I’m grateful that my mom and nephews get to see S, but also concerned she is starting to neglect our S.
Anyone have suggestions?
Me - 38 W-37 S6 M 10 years T 13yrs BD 3/18 W moves out 4/18 W files 7/18
That does stink but you don't want to King Solomon your S if it's only another week of it. You could ask if he wants to stay at Grandma's the whole time? But otherwise maybe just leave it and you'll know for next time not to rely on her.
I have to do that all the time with my H, slowly training myself not to rely, not to ask at all ever, just to accept when he suddenly announces he will spend time with one or both kids.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
