WW having affair and pushing for divorce

[neffer]

Stay strong DB3. All of this is part of a process that takes time. Use that time to improve yourself. Keep DBing and remember the marathon thing...

[DB346]

Thanks Neffer. The one thing I did do right immediately following BD was to focus on improving myself AND being the best dad I could be. I failed miserably at detaching until I stopped being in denial about the likelihood of her having an affair, read the books, stopped focusing on her and established some boundaries.

Now, I feel like I'm detached and have accepted that this divorce is going to happen. I still don't actually want it, but I don't control her.

I am a VERY different person than I was when she left me. I look different, I feel different, I act different, I THINK different...I know that I will be OK and that I will make an amazing partner in my future relationship(s), whether she is ever a part of that again or not.

[284]

I feel for you brother! I also have WW and I know how confusing things get. Keep reaching out when your mind starts racing. Have you talked with a therapist about the depression? Don't forget about yourself through all of this. Hang in there.

[Ready2Change]

I often see people in your position give things up in a separation, ranging from kids, money, to the house, to try to somehow placate their wayward spouse in the hopes that this will avoid making them mad or make them want to come back. This never, ever works and is in fact the worst thing you can do for any outcome.....


... and get right of first refusal.

Everything Fade said was spot on.

Do not be a puppy dog and roll over.

I have 50/50 because I fought for it. Best thing I have done. My kids need me in there lives. They need their mother in their lives.

Everything else can be replaced. Your relationship with your kids and guidance you give can not.


I have a bigger house now. I have more sex now. I have a loving woman in my life. I can go on and on, but I know my kids better than my ex wife does. She wanted me to be a weekend dad. I could have agreed. That is not in the best interest of my kids.



"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Do not agree to anything less than 50/50. I had the mindset that i WOULD NOT AGREE TO ANYTHING unless it included 50/50 parenting or ordered by a judge.

"First right of refusal" is the next best thing. Anytime Mother wants to do anything without the children, You get them. Keep records and then appeal the courts with proof that you are parenting more.

[theoden]

DB346,

It looks like you did the right thing.

What's the news?

What's most important, is getting 50/50 custody.

Rebuild you life for YOU and you son. She may tire of the OM, she may not. Doesn't matter.

Fade is 100% right.

Showing strength, FWIW, builds attraction. It seems the best shot of your ex wanting you back it for your to file for Divorce immediately under Adultery, and getting 50/50.

You rolling over and getting your son every other weekend and letting the OM spend MORE time with your son than you do will not send the alpha male vibes to your wife. That's just being cuckolded. That's the OM knocking you off your perch and taking everything you have - wife AND son.

Getting every other weekend because the court tells you that's the way it is really [censored]. That's the law. It [censored] for fathers that way. Then you be the best dad every other weekend if that's your fate. But fight for 50/50

--Theoden.

[DB346]

It's been a while, but there hasn't really been much to write about. I filed for a D that I never wanted, and the temporary hearing is coming up VERY soon. I have pretty much been doing well, but now that the hearing is so close I am finding myself second-guessing whether this is the right decision.

W and I don't talk at all, except for an extremely minimal amount of kid-related logistics. I have long since lost any desire to want to reach out to her. She is the one that created this situation and she is the one that would have to reach out to me to start any dialogue toward R. I won't beg her, or anyone else to love me.

I am very torn between the desire I still have to save my marriage and the desire to have some resolution to this situation, so I can stop living with this hanging over me. I still love my W, but I have taken the time since she left to honestly do the hard work to better myself. In doing so, I've realized so many things that I did wrong in our marriage and discovered how much I neglected what I wanted and needed from our relationship.

I now know much more clearly what I want and NEED from a partner. I also know that the work I've done, and that I will continue to do for the rest of my life will make ME a much better partner, whether with her or eventually with someone else. I no longer mourn what I've lost, because I can see now how unfulfilling our marriage had become, but I do long for what I see our future COULD be. It has occurred to me that it would actually be easier to start over with someone new than it would be to rebuild our MR, but I am not afraid of the hard work.

It has taken me a long time to type this post, and as I have, it's clear that I don't really have a choice but to continue on the path toward D. Fighting for 50/50 custody is the only reason I filed, and that hasn't changed. Our son is my only priority and this is really my only option at this point. I've definitely let her go and I'm not scared of getting divorced.

[Grace21]

It has occurred to me that it would actually be easier to start over with someone new than it would be to rebuild our MR, but I am not afraid of the hard work.

This is exactly what I think my H is going through, who is moving out today. Although I believe he IS afraid of the hard work to repair/rebuild our marriage as he doesn't want to face his demons. I fear he will find it easier to feel good with a series of other women than do the work to feel good about himself for himself. But, I remind myself that that is his journey to take. Not mine.

[ovrrnbw]

Sorry to hear about the tough choice you felt like you needed to make. I wish you the best as go through this. Have you had any conversations with her? When did you file? When is the hearing?

[DB346]

She has basically been unwilling to talk about anything since BD. I filed in August, and our temporary hearing is this week to establish custody while the D is worked out. I don't know when the divorce will ultimately be settled. Our state normally requires a year of separation, but with an at-fault divorce it can be done in as little as 60-90 days.

D isn't what I want, but I don't know what other option I really have. She won't do the right thing regarding custody and she isn't willing to do any work toward repairing our relationship so I have to protect myself and our son. She can't see it right now, but ultimately SHE is the one that is losing out. She chose to pursue a man old enough to be her father, who is willing to help destroy a family. I certainly wasn't a perfect husband by any stretch of the imagination, but I have owned that and dedicated myself to being the best father and to being the best man I can be. If/when I get in to another relationship, I know that I will be an amazing partner and she will have to live with knowing that she could have had that.

I wish I had done a lot of things differently, but SHE made her choices. Now, I just have to make the best life I can for my son going forward.

[SteveLW]

Remember, D doesn't mean the end. it is a step in the process. Rs have occurred after D. Granted it isn't a high percentage but no one can blame you for not trying.