Not sure DB is working? AnotherStander help!

[Jlh]

Guess what guys! I'm proud of me! I have been super strong and when he calls to say goodnight to our son I take the phone back to hang up and I'm polite but just say, "well have a good night." without the added little conversations we used to have. He seemed a little taken back by my being quick to hang up. This has been happening for a few nights now and he's been bringing up the silliest things to talk about like how he never realized that my cell phone number is from another state. Well yeah, because I lived there before I moved to his state to be with him...lol! I just said politely, "Oh really?" and didn't get into the conversation. He cannot keep doing this cake eating where he leaves yet expects to talk to both of us at night like hes just a dad/husband on a business trip calling to say goodnight to his family.

Another night he was asking about my new job and I just said, "Oh I love it!" and then wished him goodnight to hang up. Things like that. He seems a little confused by my getting off of the phone so quickly and I actually feel tough for not caving and talking for another 20 minutes with him about random little things. He ever brought up a conversation on a show he knows I'd like coming out that we would have watched together, and I just casually said, "Oh, well I'll have to watch that sometime." and then wished him goodnight again.

It's like when he calls he's pushing to find random little things to talk about after we discuss our son or any house details but I pull back and casually end the call. I thought it would hurt a lot more, but it actually feels good and (maybe in a strange way) I sort of like him trying to pursue again (if that's what he's doing.) I haven't seen him in person for a few days but I plan on keeping myself chipper and casual and if I need to fake a big smile if he asks something I don't like, such as asking to take another box from the house.

I actually have been working on getting my finances in order like paypal for my etsy shop, looking into accountants for my contracting job, etc. It feels good to have control like I did when I was younger before I turned into a stay at home wife, got lazy and lost myself. I can do this!

[AnotherStander]

Well I'm flattered that you called me out specifically, but there are a lot of great people here with awesome advice so don't sell anyone short

So all of July H was becoming more open and friendlier, even standing at the steps watching a few minutes of TV and commenting on it and starting conversations.

OK, so these are what Michele calls "baby steps" and it's exactly what you hope to see when DB'ing. But a lot of people have your same reaction to baby steps- they think it signals a turnaround and they break into full blown pursuit. And what happens is exactly what you experienced- they get a big ol' slap of reality upside the head. A key component of DB'ing is PATIENCE. You can't rush it. The WAS is on a long journey and nothing you do will speed them along, but there's a lot you can do to slow them down and pursuit is at the top of the list.

So where do you go from here- you pick yourself up, you learn from your mistakes and you keep moving forward. The next time you decide an R talk is in order then STOP and REMEMBER what happened this time. It's the same thing that will happen every time you push for an R talk.

I called him that night and kind of let him have it and cried. I know it's not the DB thing to do but I told him that I loved him, this isn't my H, etc. I know it wasn't the best thing to say to him but he just kept saying he was sorry. He says he's hoping that we can be friends and laugh and talk again. I had mentioned that I miss laughing and talking with him.

That just all looks very desperate and needy to him, and that is not attractive at all. You've got to detach and become strong and independent. THEN he might wonder what he's missing.

Our mutual friend is worried for us both and called him this morning asking what is going on.

No no noooooo. This has got to stop. You do NOT want your mutual friends, family or ANYONE contacting him on your behalf because again, that just makes you look desperate and pathetic. It will look to him like you are "rallying the troops against him" which will just push him farther away.

Later when he picked up our son for the night, I saw that I took a bunch of our photos down from the walls and he had another sad look.

That sounds like a lot of mind-reading. Why did you take the pictures down, for you or to get a reaction out of him? One is detaching, the other is desperation.

As they were leaving, I mentioned the therapy session I have tomorrow and asked if he'd still want to go with me like we talked about and he just had a blank face and looked upset.

No you don't want him to go and you need to quit inviting him because that is pressure and pursuit.

I screwed everything up for DB.

Well you did, but it's OK, you can start over again with your DB'ing. You've set yourself back to square one and hopefully you see and will remember that it backfired in a huge way and maybe that will help give focus to your DB'ing now.

I just don't understand how he is apparently upset that he feels like he has to leave us and says that he wants us to laugh and talk again and be friends again like we were. I just don't get it, can someone help me understand this?

Yes it's classic cake-eating. He wants a new single lifestyle but he wants to cling to part of his old married life as well.

It's like when he calls he's pushing to find random little things to talk about after we discuss our son or any house details but I pull back and casually end the call.

Yes that's usually how it works, if you can effectively detach then the WAS will usually start temp-checking. It doesn't mean they've changed their mind (he hasn't), just keep doing what you're doing.

I actually have been working on getting my finances in order like paypal for my etsy shop, looking into accountants for my contracting job, etc. It feels good to have control like I did when I was younger before I turned into a stay at home wife, got lazy and lost myself. I can do this!

Good, these are the kinds of things you need to focus on!

[ovrrnbw]

He is testing you. The tests will get harder or more frequent.

Make sure you work on your detachment so that when he gets more testy that you aren't totally floored by the craziness you hear.

[Jlh]

Ovrrnbw, it can get worse as I continue with DB?? I just started to get tough and serious with the not caving and chatting at night. What else could he do or say to make it worse?

Anotherstander, don't worry, I asked our mutual friends who wanted to reach out to him as well to please don't if they think they are helping. I'm also using my therapy time to not worry about him anymore and focus on me and how I'm doing, the things I'm planning for myself regarding work and school, etc. In the beginning I was totally defensive when you and a few others gave me advice and I think I didn't want to hear it thinking that detaching wouldn't work. I see how I was wrong in handling a lot of things now and it makes much more sense. I did take some more pics down, but honestly it was for me this time and not to send a message. I put up my son's artwork, pics or me and him together, my family, etc and it's nice to see his little smiling face on the walls more.

I've love my job and I've been focusing on that as well as looking into care and support for my son with the local autism support groups who offer babysitters, support groups, helpers for me if I need it occasionally. I have a lawyer I spoke with that I can talk to as well and he has been giving great advice. I'm not on cloud nine but I feel way less helpless and stupid than I did a few months ago. I'm realizing I'll be okay no matter what happens with this mess.

[AnotherStander]

^^^That is an AWESOME post, keep this up!!! Good DB'ing ^^^

[Jlh]

Okay today was a tough day but I stood strong. I've noticed all this past week that he was bringing up topics other than our son and I didn't chat about them, only things regarding our son. But today and yesterday he's been a little quieter than usual. I'm trying so hard no to overthink it and worry about myself but part of me wonders about the lack of conversation on my part and if he's possibly mad about it or confused. I know I shouldn't worry but its still hard and I called some friends to talk, not about him, but other topics to distract me.

I feel weak like I should be a pro at DBing but I'm also curious to see his reactions to me taking care of me first and foremost now. Augh, this stuff can mess with your mind.

[Jlh]

I've noticed the strangest thing. For a little while since I've really started distancing, H was using the silliest conversation starters to get me talking, and then he got quiet and a little confused looking when I got better at it and ended calls without caving and chatting with him. Now he's doing the same thing I am back at me. It's like he mirrors me with my own ways of distancing but at the same time looks bummed. I don't know if this is a typical reaction but it's kind of amusing. It's like he's acting like a teen or toddler. But at the same time he tells me that HE can call ME so our son can say goodnight instead of me calling him. (confused face here) LOL!

On another note, my therapist says the ups and downs are normal but they still hurt. Yes they do. Today is a low day but I've been busy distracting myself by watching a movie, writing a short story, working, cleaning, etc.

[Jlh]

Question regarding H packing and leaving his things. He takes his things verrrrrry slowly, one box at a time maybe once a month if that. Would part of my 180 and detaching be telling him to go ahead and take the rest of his things or is that a severe no-no right now? He claims it kills him to see me sad every time he leaves the house so am I a fool in thinking that me detaching could include telling him to go ahead and take another box or else just smile and nod if he asks to take another box? He ASKS me if its okay to go upstairs to take his things, btw, he doesn't tell me or just do it.

[Davide]

Jlh,

That sounds like torture. I can't imagine seeing that day after day. I just came home to a cleaned-out house with all traces of my W gone. That s#@ks but I would take it any day over the one box at a time pain. Tell him to get it all and do it as soon as he can. And don't help him at all. I would try to get out of the house while he is doing it.

[ovrrnbw]

Hi JLH,

your behavior is affecting him, and his is changing. He is testing still.

When he claims that it kills him to see you sad you can just tell him it's fine to get his stuff. He's hanging on by dragging it out. By you not correcting him and saying your fine, his assumption of your sadness is confirmed.

Maybe you say "yea I'm a little sad, but what can I do?" and shrug your shoulders. Everyone wants to be wanted. They want people to need and miss and cry for them - even the people they are betraying.

Why are we humans so messed up...