I do not understand how someone can go from being friendlier for a week or two to telling me today that he wants me to list my bills and credit cards for him so he can work up alimony and child support paperwork. THEN when I try to ask about it, he tells me that he's trying to make things easy for me (he says this repeatedly) and gets a little defensive when I say, well this isn't really easy for anyone. I ask some more and he just says, we can talk about it later.
I do not get this at all. He claims to be set on filling out papers and such and then basically says that we can discuss things later. WTH, this is one weird ride.
Together for 13 years, married for 8. H is 46 I'm 40 S is 6 Bombdrop in April 2018 Still in limbo as of 2019
Dear jlh, I follow your sitch but I don't think I have commented yet. I wish you and your family the best. I can't comment on much, but I can respond in the total confusion you have as to how your spouse can be nice one moment and turn to their mood upside down and ignore you, yell at you, or just be mean for no reason. I don't know the technical term for it, but I can only say that this seems to be the norm. In my MR, if we are getting along for a few days it always seems that she "feels" she is getting too comfortable with "us". There are no R talks, no affection, etc. But you just see that we haven't fought in a long time, things have been smooth with the kids, and for the most part, there has been a new routine that everyone is falling into. She seems to just snap at the oddest times and turn cold or angry on a moments notice.
Is he trying to get a reaction out of you (positive or negative)?
Is he just trying to justify the decision within himself?
Who knows!!!
All you can do is make sure you are doing your 180's, GAL, always look and put forth your best (not fake!), validate, and be sure you think before you speak knowing sometimes it is best not to speak (fyi that last part is VERY hard for this guy!). Good luck!!
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
Hi JustSad, I feel like I'm back to the drawing board, I keep getting caught up in it when he shows signs of being more open and less foggy and I get sucked in. He still has a ton of his stuff here so I'm going to tell him later today to get it out. He only took half his things and has plenty of time to get the rest and never does. It hurts to see it all still here so it has to go. I dont know if thats a 180 or DB or whatever but it just has to go.
Together for 13 years, married for 8. H is 46 I'm 40 S is 6 Bombdrop in April 2018 Still in limbo as of 2019
Hi JustSad, I feel like I'm back to the drawing board, I keep getting caught up in it when he shows signs of being more open and less foggy and I get sucked in. He still has a ton of his stuff here so I'm going to tell him later today to get it out. He only took half his things and has plenty of time to get the rest and never does. It hurts to see it all still here so it has to go. I dont know if thats a 180 or DB or whatever but it just has to go.
This is called getting temp checked. He sees you have started to pull back and so he acts in ways to see if he still has control. Once you show him he does, he quickly retreats.
Next time he starts to act warm and less foggy, DON'T CHANGE A THING.
I can remember in my sitch W sitting next to me crying about how she thought D was wrong, and she wish she didn't have a desire to leave and get a D etc. I sat. Listened. Validated. The next few days she was very affectionate and caring. If I had picked that up and ran with it, hugged her, consoled her, continued to apologize for my past behavior she would have felt she still had control and went back into her shell.
Do what works. 180 on what doesn't..
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve, my therapist is not a help regarding this bizarro husband behavior. She pushes for divorce hard and keeps saying he is probably hiding something naughty or disturbing that he feels is shameful. I don't want to give up on my marriage, but she says its been four months and he's made up his mind and to let go of him. He's not himself to me, this is not my husband and I refuse to give up after four months.
He's done temp checking before regarding when he starts to come closer, he steps back and tells me about some form of D paperwork yet never follows through with it. He did that a few days ago as well after two weeks of being more open with me. This is the second or third time he's done this regarding saying he is working on paperwork and then never follows through.
He's more open and chatty on the phone like his old voice is more clear now rather than this fog voice (if that makes sense), yet in person at our sons drop off and pick up he is more reserved than he is on the phone. I just don't understand his behavior shifts so I don't engage it if I can help it. Why be able to be chattier on the phone yet in person act reserved and shy?
So basically when he acts clearer and less foggy on the phone keep on being casual and don't engage the conversation? Its like a huge terrible game of tag or tug of war. So just keep on working on me as he goes through whatever his issues are? He apparently doesn't even talk to his very best friend about this. His friend called to see how I was doing and we chatted for a bit and H doesn't talk about this with him and if they do talk a little bit he changes the subject on it. It just doesn't make sense.
I definitely know talking to him like hes a friend is not working right now, lol! That gets him running. Anything where I am friendly to him gets him running. If I'm a mystery, he opens up more.
Together for 13 years, married for 8. H is 46 I'm 40 S is 6 Bombdrop in April 2018 Still in limbo as of 2019
Fire your therapist. You aren't under contract to them. If my therapist told me to murder my neighbor I'd get a new one. If a therapist tells you to do something that violates your morals and ethics then it's time for a new therapist.
Last edited by Steve85; 08/30/1804:17 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Another thing Steve, I want to say my piece to H since he doesn't listen to me to talk so I want to write a letter to explain how I was also unhappy after our sons autism diagnosis, etc. I was in a bad place and depressed too. But nothing like what he's doing now with this weird fog. Is that persuing if I sent him a letter? My therapist says to write it but DONT send it.
I'm just so mentally drained from all of this. Its hard to stand but I'm trying. His talking happily one way and then running the next is just confusing and hard. I do know at least that he never took our sons autism diagnosis well either and we didn't talk that out with each other.
Together for 13 years, married for 8. H is 46 I'm 40 S is 6 Bombdrop in April 2018 Still in limbo as of 2019
So yesterday and today H has been at his apartment sick with a nasty head cold. I hate when my guys are sick so I'm sitting on my hands not to check on him and ask how he's doing. I know it wont help things any. He asked me if it was okay to change from tonight to tomorrow night to take our son for the evening and I replied it was fine and I can move my plans. I didn't expect a text back but he replied that he was so sorry and hes worried about germs. I never texted back.
This distancing is a real bitch, excuse my language. I want to reach out so bad to see how he's doing but I'm distancing. I'm working on doing this better, it just [censored].
Together for 13 years, married for 8. H is 46 I'm 40 S is 6 Bombdrop in April 2018 Still in limbo as of 2019
Question: Do the relatives of midlife crisis sufferers ever notice their changes the way the left behind spouse does? Or is that what the covert depression is, where it's all hidden except toward the spouse.
Together for 13 years, married for 8. H is 46 I'm 40 S is 6 Bombdrop in April 2018 Still in limbo as of 2019
Hi Jlh, I have started following you and just want you to know that you are doing the best you can in a difficult and crazy situation .. I will continue to follow along , and keep you in my prayers..
