Can I really do this #5

[Dtrmned]

Steve,

Thank you for pointing out to me exactly what I am struggling with. I believe it is exactly the illusion of action problem. I do feel stuck and I do feel the need to do something. Luckily, I have this board to sound off on and get some sound advice. I haven't done anything (this time) to push me back further so at least there is that!

Knowing that my mind is telling me I have to do something and understanding that the right thing is to stay the course knowing it is counter intuitive to the way I feel is still difficult. And yes. I am struggling. I am detaching and I will admit that it hurts each time I do a little more. I feel myself getting stronger along the way and I know it will make me a better person however my MR works out.

The finance part is weird. There will be no alimony (prenup) there will be child support, but if I analyze and do the math I believe in the end it will be a financial benefit to D. No 2nd car, no health insurance, copays, rx's treatments and expense for her, etc. etc. Never any guarantees how it would end up, but just a cursory overview shows me this. I am basing child support on the state calculation without her making an income. If need be, there could be arguments that she choose not to work instead of being unable to work. The government has denied her disability so they believe she can work. If I add that in, it is just less money in child support. I will be very fair when it comes to any settlement if that time comes within reason. I do believe that she is dragging this out because she is still unsure how to move her agenda forward and she now has a decent roof over her head, food, car, etc. Does she realize how difficult it will be out there in the real world? I do not know. She seems oblivious right now on everything. With regard to finances, all I can say is that she hasn't balanced a checkbook in 20 years and hasn't paid a bill outside of her personal stuff for the same amount of time. Add in rent, utilities, cell phone, health insurance, groceries, car insurance, car payment, gas, kids lunches, women stuff (beauty products, etc.) and other incidentals it is going to be very difficult for her to do it by herself. Not that she would be unable to, but again, just doing the math.

Thanks again. I know there is only a 50/50 shot on saving our MR anyway. I know my wife (or knew her) and know this will take a great amount of time for her to come around. I appreciate your help and will take to heart doubling down on#1.

[TBSakaJ9]

JS - When I was in throws of my sitch I made a comment to one of the vets on the board that it didn't feel like I was doing anything to save my MR. I asked them if that is how it should feel and they told me "yes". I was doing my thing, going to the gym, spending time with my girls, shopping, coaching, going to church, hanging out with friends, etc. but I never brought up or discussed anything with my XW unless it was kid related.

If it feels like you are doing nothing to save your MR you are probably on the right track.

[Dtrmned]

Thanks Joseph!
And yes, it feels like I am doing nothing to save my MR.
It feels that I am just waiting for my W to put her plan in motion (me just mind reading and projecting I know).
I am keeping busy, doing ok, need to GAL more and detach more. My 180's are doing well. I look good and feel better physically (and other than the situation mentally as well) than I have in a long time.
I am over feeling sorry for myself. A lot of the times anymore it is just true loneliness and missing my W and the things we used to do together. Just the conversations and companionship. Of course I miss the intimacy part as well

[Dtrmned]

W is upset at me today.
She asked what we are going to do about school shopping last evening.
I said "I was going to take them out this weekend, you are more than welcome to come if you would like and we could all do it together".
W looked very hurt. She said "but this is something I have always done with the kids".
I said "you are more than welcome to do that if you wish".
She sensed what I was saying, that I wasn't going to give her money to go do this with the kids without me. Why should she get the joy of taking them out and spending money on them to make all of them feel good? I am not trying to be mean, but I feel that if I earn the money that is going to be used, and she isn't going to be a part of my life, that this is something that I should do with my children. They will find out soon enough how hard things are going to be. AND, the trust level between my W and I (both ways) is very challenged considering the situation and me giving her a bunch of money just wouldn't be advisable or I think even smart at this point.

She tried to expand the discussion to include more issues, I shut that down and asked her which discussion we are having as I thought this was just about the school clothes? She conceded. Wrapped up the convo quickly. 10 minutes later she threw a little hissy fit, grabbed her stuff and stated "I'm going to read upstairs in bed, alone".. I said ok,

Did I handle that one correctly everyone?

[hongaku]

Sounds like you handled it very well to me. Good job.

[SteveLW]

I think so. I like that you didn't give on your boundary about not just giving her money to run off and shop. And that you shut the convo down before it grew legs.

I am torn on the school shopping issue. On one hand I think sometimes a small bone like this can go a long way towards softening her up. But at the same time your instincts appear to be right on this one too. I think the best course of action would be for her to join in on the trip, it would be the best of both worlds. But you have zero control over that. But this is also sending her a powerful message about how things are going to be moving forward with a D. And sometimes that dose of reality can be a powerful wakeup call.

I'd like to see some of the other vets weigh in on this one,.

[TBSakaJ9]

JS - I think you handled it well. I like how you took control of the situation, offered for her to come with so you didn't deny her the opportunity to partake so that is on her. She can join in on the fun if she wants.

[Dtrmned]

This is just stupid.

Unfortunately had to go by and pick something up at home.
It was in my private stuff and discovered that my W had gone through them and taken a few items out of there.
A true violation of privacy and again like her going through my phone very outside of her character.

Shocked to say the least! She was there, and I had to ask. She said that she did (lied once and then admitted it).
We jabbed a few back and forth.

She asked if I was dating or seeing anyone. I told her no. Asked her if she was and she said she has been asked out a ton (I believe this as she was asked out a lot even when we were happily married with her rings on) but isn't seeing anyone "yet".

I ended the conversation, not soon enough, but ended it anyway since I did just come to pick up the item and had to go back to a meeting.

She was upset that I left and sent a text that she was upset that I just "dismissed" her. I texted back that I told her prior that I was just stopping and leaving. That I had to go to get back to work, and that I dislike that our conversations seem to always result in a bad discussion. I expressed that I wish there was some common ground we could use to have better communication. I also expressed that the situation is not easy for any of us.

She was cold, mean, and cruel during the conversation. I got out of there quick. I didn't lose it until I was gone.
What do I do?
Is this her just retaliating on the shopping thing?
I know her going through my stuff was months ago, so not much to worry on there, just the idea that it happened stinks.

Very confused. Is this the "it gets harder before it has a chance to get better stuff?"

I hate this. I hurt way too much. I am also in control better though. It was like talking to a different person almost.

Input is greatly needed...

[hongaku]

Yeah, she's going to keep pushing your buttons and trying to get you to exhibit more of the same behavior that she can then use to justify wanting to D. You were probably too wordy with the text exchange. She is clearly concerned on some level that you could be seeing someone/looking. Her use of the word "yet" in talking about her not seeing anyone was just to try and poke you some more and draw anger/jealousy out of you.

If you can continue like you have for the most part (based on the majority of your recent posts) to stay cool, confident and calm when she's spewing/testing, it should start to sink in to her that she's not going to get the reaction and fight that she was expecting/looking for. She wants a fight because it makes her feel better about wanting to end things and she may possibly be experiencing conflict or doubt on some level about her desire to do so. Don't give her the fight. Always give her the best you. Always walk away when you want to speak out of anger/frustration/hurt.

[Dtrmned]

I know she was just baiting me.
Doing all of the things I have learned through here.
In the span of 20 minutes she continues to rewrite our marital history, distort the truth, plays down everything she has done, and maximizes the most miniscule things that I do or have done.

Again, I own my part in this problem. But really.

I was thankful I had to leave. I did my best to be polite, told her 3 times I had to go. Finally I did have to go and told her that I had to end the convo and leave. That's when she texted telling me I dismissed her. What is getting to me is what I mentioned above. She is so cold, callous and non caring. She is still wanting her cake and eat it to, i.e. I pay all the bills and she sits around all day (although she accused me of making the home a prison since she has no money to go and do anything) Again, anything I do is wrong. She accused me of keeping the pantry and refrigerator too full. WOW!

I wish there was just some way for her to soften and reflect. I don't know if she is, and have zero indication as to what her intentions are other than her saying she is done and ready to move on, then doing absolutely nothing to make that happen. I am excited and nervous as well that I am leaving on a work trip next week. Who knows if it will be good or bad.

Right now, I am just working on my relationship with my children and working on myself.

I have mentioned before that my wife is very stubborn. Her getting to the point to make the choice was, I'm sure, a very difficult one. Seeing the opportunity for her to open the door to reexamine is another.

I may have put too many words in the text, but it was how I felt. I didn't see it as pursuing, just that we needed to find a way to communicate through this better.

Not a happy Friday, but I am looking forward to the weekend and the trip next week.