DH is 62. I'm 57. He had an affair about 3 years ago. He decided not to leave me, but only cut contact at my insistence. I had gotten and read the DB book, but can't find it, so I've got one on order.
Lately, I've been teary, clingy, and desperate after seeing the OW for the first time in nearly 2 years. I was cool at the time, but ended up later "confronting" my husband with the level of eye contact he was giving her (they were across the room from each other). Our conversation eventually deteriorated to the point where he said we married young, we hadn't been a couple in a long time, but we were "friends." I told him that his level of resentment towards me (he keeps bringing up the fact that I'm the breadwinner) is unsustainable and either he gets professional help, or he leaves. He eventually called the therapy practice that I'm using and left a message.
I have a really hard time knowing what to do in this type of situation. He's done with the OW as far as deliberate contact goes, but he obviously sees me as "not a wife". OTOH, he invites me to his concerts (he's a musician) and thanks me profusely for coming. I'm so d@mn confused about all of this right now.
Last edited by job; 08/07/1812:58 AM. Reason: edited a word
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. -- Eleanor Roosevelt, This is My Story
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thank you so much, Cadet! It's very helpful to have all this in one place. Just reading the first page of the "Stages of the LBS" thread has helped me feel less crazy.
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. -- Eleanor Roosevelt, This is My Story
I've ordered the book and it's on its way. About 2 years ago he said he was thinking of a separation but because the o w had too much baggage he decided to stay with me. I don't think he's cheating again but he has said that we haven't been a couple in years and that we are friends. He resents me for being the breadwinner. I've been in counseling for about a year-and-a-half And have recently insisted that he get counseling due to his high level of resentment. He wouldn't go to marriage counseling when he decided not to leave because he said he doesn't want to be the bad guy. I've recently become aware that I had been resenting him for his lack of Breadwinner role, although I denied it to myself. I've basically been the pursuer for the last 2 years with him, pretending that everything was perfectly wonderful when it's not. I've been increasingly GAL, But I miss having a husband. But I can't force the role on him.
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. -- Eleanor Roosevelt, This is My Story
Notavic, it is interesting that you mention the breadwinner issue. We've had quite a few new posters recently mostly from LBHs, where the usual male-breadwinner role was reversed, and the W became the breadwinner. I've anecdotally known several couples (including my sister) who were in such arrangements. Only 1 of the 10 or so I know of have been successful long term. Eventually resentments and problems have arisen. I told the tragic story in 1 of my posts (I wish I could find it) where I told the story of some very dear friends of mine. In their case the H had type 1 diabetes severely, and therefore the W had to be the breadwinner. But eventually the same resentments cropped up, and she became a WAW. Her H lived a little over a year before the stress of the breakup of their marriage literally killed him. It was just too much on top of his severe diabetes.
You are at the right place. GAL, detaching, 180s and being the best you can be will go a long way towards potentially turning your sitch around. But if it doesn't it will prepare you for the next chapter of your life.
Keep posting. This is a great forum with a great set of people that really want to help!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks so much, Steve. It's good to know I'm not alone, but disheartening to hear the lack of success in such situations. As you can see from my signature, dh is a baby boomer, and feels lied to, as far as the "work hard, get an education, and you'll do fine." Society has changed so much in the last couple of decades. Anyway, I'm starting to realize my own wrong turns and bad decisions in the R. Hope it can turn around.
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. -- Eleanor Roosevelt, This is My Story
Anyway, I'm starting to realize my own wrong turns and bad decisions in the R. Hope it can turn around.
Of course you can, follow the advice here and you will succeed no matter what. Just take it one day at a time. Post as many questions as you can, this site has many people who have been right in your very situation.
M:52 W:49 D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20 ILYBNILWY 5/28/17 Still living together W filed 1/5/18 W moved out 8/24/18 D final 9/18/20
Anyway, I'm starting to realize my own wrong turns and bad decisions in the R. Hope it can turn around.
Of course you can, follow the advice here and you will succeed no matter what. Just take it one day at a time. Post as many questions as you can, this site has many people who have been right in your very situation.
Wow! Thank you!!
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. -- Eleanor Roosevelt, This is My Story
