Phoo...strange robotic-like conversation with W tonight. Mostly on my end. She asked me where I was, I answered "out and about". She then told me about what she bought at the grocery store and I was agreeing to what she bought (seeking approval? whatever). She then told me that there was some money left over to buy stuff for our campout next week and I responded that I will look over it and go from there.
I responded in very few words. She thought it was weird and said "Ok...nice chat I guess?" and I answered "Ok! I'll talk to you later! Bye!" and we hung up.
A little too thick maybe?
Also, thoughts of her and OM come up every week that she is out (Thursday, Friday, and Saturday). That's when it hurts the most. I'm working on GAL but living with D4 on those days makes it a little difficult.
Hard to believe it's been 7 months today. Harder to believe that it was only 10 days ago that I felt the true journey begin.
That was a great decision, even though it didnt pan out - with staying home with daughter instead of shopping. You were polite about it and chose distance from wife. You also did what you wanted to do, instead of going along with wifes plans. Continue this. No need to explain your decisions or actions to wife.
I cannot imagine how difficult it is to be living with ex while she is in an active affair. I agree. That is hard. But you know something pain, OM is willing to date someone still married with a young child and living with her spouse... that doesnt paint him out very well. I would never be desperate enough or selfish enough to go for another persons spouse. Thats off limits. Same goes for your wife. I could never inflict that type of pain on someone. Especially the parent of my own child. Its selfish and callous and cruel. Beyond cruel.... this isnt about you pain. We all have our flaws. Nothing you did in your marriage warrants this.
Meanwhile you are showing great strength and character. You are doing great.
While what Juju says is true, and I would be the last person to defend an OM/OW, remember that he has had a line of crap fed to him. Likely you are the worst husband (as told by your W) that has ever lived. I've even seen the WAW/WW tell the OM that their H is physically abusive when there was never any physical abuse!
So don't reflect on OM. Remember, if it wasn't THIS OM it would have been another OM. As a former, two-time LBH I can tell you that focusing on the OM is a cheese-less tunnel. The question you have to ask is do you want to be married to a W that, as Juju points out, is cruel to the point where she can inflict that kind of pain? And worse, then rationalize that their ability to inflict that kind of pain is YOUR fault?
sandi always makes a good point about the WW mindset, that their selfishness is beyond anything the LBH can comprehend. Further, what the LBH is clinging on to for dear life is the SPECTER of the woman he married. She is gone. This new person that is willing to cheat on you IS not the girl you married. In fact, you wouldn't have married her if for a single moment you would have thought she'd be capable of this kind of immorality. This isn't to try to talk you out of wanting to R with her, it is to show you that if you think you are dealing with the woman you once knew then you are going to be sorely disappointed.
Great job on keeping your end of the conversation to as few words as possible. It is a fine line when DBing and detaching between being lovingly detached, and being cold. I don't think you were too cold in this exchange and you will get better with practice! The fact that she noticed a difference is a good thing. I told another poster yesterday that I knew I was detaching well when my W would constantly ask me if there was something wrong. "Nope, everything's good!" Remember, present, engaged, upbeat, pleasant, pleased, but not overly excited that she is coming down off of her pedestal to converse with you.
Keep up the good work pain!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
That was a great decision, even though it didnt pan out - with staying home with daughter instead of shopping. You were polite about it and chose distance from wife. You also did what you wanted to do, instead of going along with wifes plans. Continue this. No need to explain your decisions or actions to wife.
Thank you. I feel like I'm making tremendous strides in establishing and enforcing my boundaries as well as working on the 180s.
Originally Posted by JujuB
I cannot imagine how difficult it is to be living with ex while she is in an active affair. I agree. That is hard. But you know something pain, OM is willing to date someone still married with a young child and living with her spouse... that doesnt paint him out very well. I would never be desperate enough or selfish enough to go for another persons spouse. Thats off limits.
And the SOB knows it. OM f*cking knows it. He's been divorced TWICE and had his accounts cleaned out by the second ex. He ADMITTED that he's not doing a good thing right now, and yet he thinks he can by my approval by giving me a rock for a father's day gift or would "help" me get an engineering job work my salary? He can't be that demented, can he? (Rhetorical question).[/quote]
Originally Posted by JujuB
Same goes for your wife. I could never inflict that type of pain on someone. Especially the parent of my own child. Its selfish and callous and cruel.
I hope that it's not what I think it is. I hope that she's not engaging in EA/PA (Or as V would say, a Transitional R) with OM, knowing full well how it affects me. Then again, she held OM's hand (D4 told me) at the parade a couple of weeks ago so I wouldn't put more stuff beneath her
Originally Posted by JujuB
We all have our flaws. Nothing you did in your marriage warrants this.
Then why is she doing this? Is she trying to compensate by showing me these "little acts of love" here and there? Because she knows what she is doing is cruel? If before this she would tell me that the thought of her engaging in sexual activity is unthinkable and makes her cry I would believe her...and I believed her... Our friends still cannot understand why she is doing what she is doing. At least that's what I'm being told. At this point, all I respond when they ask me how I'm doing is "I don't know. I just know I have to fix myself." and end the conversation.
And then this happens. Maybe it was a sign from God that I needed to fix what I've been putting off/afraid of for so long. And I have accomplished so much. I mean, look at this:
- Obtained the car of my dreams - My existing friendships got deeper and engaged in healthier social activities with them (I'm going rafting Saturday!) - I finally quit my terrible job and found a place that values me and love the work. - Got a small photography site going. Not 100 followers yet, but it's a labor of love, not numbers. Learned a lot of new stuff and thoroughly enjoying the process. - Stood up to my parents in a healthy manner. I confronted them with my demons and had a healthy discussion on the effects their upbringing had on me. If you were to ask me if I would have done this a year ago I'd think you were crazy. - Having the bond with D4 that I have always dreamed about since I was a teenager. Backstory: Since I was a teenager, I pictured myself having a daughter. One who I can bond with, go on road trips with, be a great father figure and friend. Just this last February, I was able to go on my first weekend road trip with her and we had a blast. Four more weekend trips were taken. I'm fulfilling a long-time dream. - Taking care of myself and my environment. I'm shaving consistently. Dressing better, cleaning my room and car more. Little things, but I'm getting my personal life organized. The house has been a major project and I've been making small improvements where I can.
Originally Posted by JujuB
Meanwhile you are showing great strength and character. You are doing great.
While what Juju says is true, and I would be the last person to defend an OM/OW, remember that he has had a line of crap fed to him. Likely you are the worst husband (as told by your W) that has ever lived. I've even seen the WAW/WW tell the OM that their H is physically abusive when there was never any physical abuse!
So don't reflect on OM. Remember, if it wasn't THIS OM it would have been another OM. As a former, two-time LBH I can tell you that focusing on the OM is a cheese-less tunnel. The question you have to ask is do you want to be married to a W that, as Juju points out, is cruel to the point where she can inflict that kind of pain? And worse, then rationalize that their ability to inflict that kind of pain is YOUR fault?
I doubt that. I have had conversations with W that hinted that I'm a good father and hard worker. He also knows that they're putting me through hell, despite with W insisting that "we're separated". She even tried to get me to stoop to her level by encouraging me to do the same thing. I couldn't and didn't. I can't. My MC has told me repeatedly: The truth will come out eventually. No signs of the truth yet.
As far as dealing with the pain of her actions goes, do you kind of understand why I'm seeking destructive methods of easing my pain? I know it was morally wrong, but for that brief moment in time, we enjoyed (me and provider) each others company, even if I had to pay for it. Again, not doing it again and as V said, I have to put my big boy pants on. So that's what I'm doing.
Originally Posted by Steve85
sandi always makes a good point about the WW mindset, that their selfishness is beyond anything the LBH can comprehend. Further, what the LBH is clinging on to for dear life is the SPECTER of the woman he married. She is gone. This new person that is willing to cheat on you IS not the girl you married. In fact, you wouldn't have married her if for a single moment you would have thought she'd be capable of this kind of immorality. This isn't to try to talk you out of wanting to R with her, it is to show you that if you think you are dealing with the woman you once knew then you are going to be sorely disappointed.
My understanding was that W was a WAW. From reading the description on the DR book, it fit our situation. Haven't looked up WW definitions. But I'm treating her as a new person. And she is still trying to appeal to me in small things. But she shattered me. She shattered me...
Originally Posted by Steve85
Great job on keeping your end of the conversation to as few words as possible. It is a fine line when DBing and detaching between being lovingly detached, and being cold. I don't think you were too cold in this exchange and you will get better with practice! The fact that she noticed a difference is a good thing. I told another poster yesterday that I knew I was detaching well when my W would constantly ask me if there was something wrong. "Nope, everything's good!" Remember, present, engaged, upbeat, pleasant, pleased, but not overly excited that she is coming down off of her pedestal to converse with you.
