Can I really do this #5

[SteveLW]

JS, great news with your D! I wish I was there with mine. She had a friend that is moving to TX spend the night Sunday night. We picked her up on the way home from church Sunday night. Dropped her back off on the way to church last night (we have a special event each night this week at church). They swam in the pool. Ate food, I made them dinner last night before taking her home. Drove my D's go-kart/dune buggy on our property. D was still cold, distant, and acted annoyed by me. No gratitude. No "thanks Dad for picking -friend- up" etc. I guess this is the new norm for now. Just so ungrateful and entitled.

[Dtrmned]

Ungrateful and entitled is truly what I am used to so when I see a glimmer from my D I treasure it. I also make sure I am not falling over myself. I enjoy the moment and then we move on. I need to focus more on the little things in life. Life is not about where you are at the end, it is enjoying and experiencing as much as you can on our journey.

I'm sure your D will come around. If you are there for her as you are describing it will be a long road, and you helping guide her along her path, she will remember always that her father was there for her and loves her.

Planning some more things with my kids this week.

Unfortunately, trying not to dwell, but holding my breath on what my W is planning or going to do next. I wish she would just talk to me. I will not broach any R talks with her. I need to put my life on a steadier path with or without her for myself and my kids.

[Dtrmned]

So happy day and happy dance!
Looking for the job relocation thing means I sent out some inquiries.
One that is where I am now turned out to be a great offer and an amazing opportunity.
Just signed a contract and will start next week.
Will be good for me and the kids with flexibility.

Good benefits for me and the kids.
Question...Should I move my W over, or just separate and Cobra her on the old company?
I want to do the right thing by her and myself, just looking for some input. If she isn't going to be a part of my family (yes I know they are her kids too and would never take that away from her) then wouldn't it be time to do that?

The little things we take for granted with our partners seem to now become huge issues moving forward..

Help and advice greatly appreciated.

[Davide]

Congrats on the new job! That sounds awesome! That is a great step forward for getting on with your life.

What would happen if you cut your wife off your insurance? You are still living together, right? My first thought is to say cut her off and let her take care of herself, but I don't remember all the details of your sitch.

[SteveLW]

JS, is she your W? Is she part of the family right now? I would say move her over. If and when she moves forward with D (and I am thinking that is less and less likely with every day that passe) you can do a life changing event with HR and remove her.

[Dtrmned]

Legally can't cut her off of the health insurance.
With her issues and us still being legally married I just personally couldn't do that either morally, ethically or otherwise.

The new employer has a really good plan that is affordable for myself and the kids, not so much for the entire family, and it would require everyone to change doctor groups. Tough for my W to have to have a dr re-learn her history. We have had the same primary care doctor for 8 years.

She could Cobra for 18 months, and of course I believe "we" would be responsible up and until a D was ever filed and finalized. This would at least show her what her costs would be moving forward for that. I am not trying to stir the pot. Just trying to make the right decision and get some thoughts.

[Dtrmned]

My thoughts this morning are that I am just done with the BS.

The situation makes no sense to me. There are decisions that need to be made and my W's decision and following inaction is making things just needlessly difficult. Mostly all financially related.

Examples of just little things that would be so simple if we were either in a MR or S or D'd but in limbo make no sense:

Mentioned yesterday about the new job, but now I have the changeover in healthcare to handle and whether to add W to the new policy or just cobra her on the old policy. I haven't mentioned it to her yet. I was in too good of a mood last evening and wanted to enjoy the brief moment. I will let her know today or tomorrow on the new job. I am still contemplating the healthcare issue. This one to me seems to be a minefield that I don't know if I have to go through or not so feedback on this one is greatly appreciated!!

Kids need back to school clothes. Nothing really in our joint account, so that honor (and I do mean that) is left up to me, but W is wanting a lot more for them than I can afford. Then, do I make it a family day and take everyone shopping and to lunch? or do I just take the kids and do it? See where all this goes?

Fall activities (sports, band, etc.) for the kids require more money as well.

Not anything major, but some things needs fixed or replaced around the home. I hear the repeated (not constant but probably weekly) jab comments on these. Nothing direct, just the "ughh, this is annoying" thing followed by no direct question or anything.

If one of our kids go to a birthday party (there were several over the summer), there is a card and a gift. When school starts back it will be filled with more of the same followed by Football games, dances, etc.

I seem to be in a no win situation, especially if it involved our children. If I question the cost since I am seriously watching our budget, I am the bad buy. If I fund it with no question, my W thinks I have this huge stash of money and am hiding a bunch from her (She sees everyone of my checks, knows our bills, she COULD do the math, but refuses to actually see the bottom line). So I CAN'T win.

An unfortunate comparison would be to say that my W is more like a dependent now than my partner. She is waiting in line for her allowance and if she doesn't get what she wants, she feels slighted. If someone else in the family gets something, again, she feels like she deserves something since they got something. Childish.

I am not trying to react, overreact or read too much into each individual situation, but when you step back and see the big picture, it just doesn't make sense and everything is just so much more difficult.

I'm actually calm and focused this morning. I'm ok, just frustrated.

D texted me when I was about to head home last evening (had to work just a little late) and asked me to pick her something up for dinner. I called W to make sure she was ok with it and that she hadn't made anything. She was ok with it so I picked all of us something and we all had a quick but cordial and sometimes funny impromptu family dinner.

Watched a couple of programs with my W afterwards and it was pleasant.

Went up to go to bed and W had a brief moment where she didn't say anything but got frustrated with a drawer and then slammed it shut. She didn't say anything. I asked if she was ok and she said "yep, I'm great". I let it go at that point and just moved on.

On my GAL front, I spent about an hour talking with an old neighbor earlier this week, then yesterday had a couple of drinks a friend/business associate. It was nice not talking about my sitch too much and also good to just talk with a couple of guys outside of my home.

Sandi, Steve, AS and all....if you are out there can you give me your thoughts on what you think I should do moving forward? I feel like I am being forced into a corner and have to come out fighting in some way. I also don't want to be blindsided. I feel like an ostrich with my head in the sand denying everything above ground isn't happening. I know it is, but that is just how I feel. I also feel that if there was a shotgun pointed at my body that I couldn't see, I wouldn't even know that I am in danger. Is this normal? Am I just paranoid? Am I just postponing the inevitable? My W has done nothing to move this forward, neither has she done anything to come back to our MR either. The only positives I could say is that we are still in the same home, still sleep in the same bed, and for what I can determine, there is no PA going on. Other than that, it just seems to be a quiet cease fire.

[SteveLW]

So JS are you asking if you should go ahead and file for D? Your question is unclear to me.

[Dtrmned]

Steve, No. I know that it always my choice and is an option that I have mentioned that I am very much thinking on. I guess to be more specific in this question is that we seem to be "stuck" in this cease fire which feels like being stuck in a desert and you know if you walk either way you will eventually get to water, but instead you just sit in the middle of the desert dehydrating and dying in the land of indecision of which way to go. DB says never pursue. If I approach her in almost any way regarding anything outside of an immediate issue, it will most certainly be seen as pursuit. I don't want to create an R talk either. I know how that will end as well. It just seems that we are slowly but surely separating everything just piece by piece and that may just make it easier for her since the blows are smaller and spread way farther apart so she recovers before the next one comes. By the time she is ready to actually do something (if she is devious and has her plan together and forming or if she doesn't and just heads out into the world blindly) most of the stuff will be worked out. I know it would still be a shock to her with reality, but if she slowly but surely covers a lot of the smaller issues and stretches it out, it seems like it will be easier for her. I am not trying to make things difficult for her at the same time, I don't want to be a doormat and roll out the red carpet for the D as well.

Going through all of those thoughts makes me realize that my question is more of:

What, if anything, should I do differently right now, or am I just stuck in the desert?

[SteveLW]

So let's look at your options:

1) Do nothing. Continue to concentrate on being a great dad, detach, GAL, 180s, and being the best JS you can be.
2) File for D. This will certainly move things forward.
3) Start pressuring her to make a decision one way or another.

I don't think I am missing anything, but really those are your only three options as far as I can tell.

You've already said that 2 is not the route you want to take, so we can eliminate that one.

1 is where you are now and I can sense your patience wearing thin for that.

So it seems that 3 is the one your wrestling with.

So let's go with 3 for a minute. You really have 3 potential outcomes:

1) Nothing changes.
2) Your W agrees to work on R.
3) You get a D.

Obviously, 2 is the desired outcome. It is the one that you would be hoping for by pressuring her to make a decision. However, it is the least likely of the three. Why? Because you cannot talk, pressure, act, beg, discuss or do anything else to make her make that decision. She has to come to that decision herself. It requires time, patience, no pressure and no pursuit. It requires you focusing on you and your kids and leaving her alone to make her decision. She has to come to that decision on her own. I'd put this at a less than 1% chance of occurring.

So that leaves 1 and 3. Based on your W's history, 1 is most likely. Likely she will try to appease and deflect as much as possible to get back to the current status quo. She will even be willing to say things and agree things to try and make that happen. I'd say there is a 85% chance that this is the route it will go. Because 2 and 3 are work. And it appears that if anything she tries to avoid work.

3 is not likely based on the fact that it would require to do the most work. She'd have to get a job, look for a place to live, etc. As you've said before, she's shown no signs of movement on any of that. Plus this isn't what you want either, so more than likely you'd be content to let things slip back to 1 again as well, since 2 is so unlikely. I'd put the chance of this occurring at about 14.5%.

So really the question becomes, do you want to put energy in to the first #3 knowing it is likely to not result in anything different? In fact, you have a better chance of change, potentially the wrong kind, with #2 in the first list. But actually that is also the one that is second most likely to result in R behind only #1.

My advice is to double-down on #1. Really recommit to detaching and GAL. Being the best JS and dad you can be.

You brought up finances. Here is the problem. D exasperates financial difficulty, not makes it better. All of the things you listed will still be the case in D. Yes she won't be on your insurance anymore, but she will get alimony. If she gets any custody at all she will get child support. Financially #1 in the first list is your best option!

What you are really struggling with is the limbo "illusion of action" problem that we all struggled with. You feel stuck and need to do something. The problem is that anything you do will likely lead you further away from where you want to be than you are now.

The analogy you gave needs to be tweaked. You are in a desert and you have found a small puddle. One direction leads to a fresh water lake, the other just leads to miles and miles of of more desert. You could take a chance and head off into the direction you THINK the lake is in and chance being stranded completely without water. Or you can wait at your puddle, surviving until you have a clearer idea on which direction is best. I'd say choose the puddle until you are sure of the lake.