Can I really do this #5

[Dtrmned]

Getting ready for my business trip today for the week.

Weekend went well. Kids are getting ready for back to school and we did spend some time together and it was great!

Mood was lighter than usual around the home. W still struggling health wise (bunch of naps, pain, issues, etc.), but I kept busy doing my things and of course getting ready for this trip.

Took the kids back to school clothes shopping yesterday. W tagged along. It was a really good day. Everyone was casual, relaxed and enjoyed themselves. There was zero tension at all. W even did something kind of our of the ordinary. Bought her a bottle of water at one store as she was thirsty. She took a drink and offered it to me for a drink as well. I can't remember the last time we shared a drink. Weird, but I felt good as it just felt normal and right.

Did our thing the rest of the day and we had a casual evening, watched a show or two. She was a little more chatty and vocal with her thoughts and comments. Not reading anything into this at all, but did enjoy it.

Looking forward to the break, concentrating on work and the new challenges ahead. Also looking forward to the time apart and hoping that we both have a chance to reflect and think for the week. I will be busy and keep myself busy. I probably won't be on here much, maybe late in the evenings or so, but I don't know if I will post too much.

Kids and I are getting closer everyday and I love this. Focusing on them more and more and they are responding very positively.

This trip is offering a nice break for all of us. I need to not think about this too much, and will keep in touch with my kids and give my W her space as much as I can. There will be social events on the trip, but it is all work and this will keep my mind off everything and hopefully I can get some rest!

Nothing else really. I could let me mind wander and worry what she is going to do, but I am really not. Here or not, she would do what she is going to do anyway at this moment. I can only control myself and the more I can detach and give her the opportunity to see what life is like without me for a few days will be nice.

I enter each week with hope. I got the pleasure of having my family in the same home for another week. I would change a lot, but at present, that is all I can hope for. Working on everything else and this new challenge will help with the 180's, db'ing and GAL's so YEA! This is just another step in the path to a new me and there is no doubt as to why I am here, which is to keep my family together and hopefully my W and I find a path to someday begin working on a brand new, better, amazing and fulfilling MR.

[hongaku]

Keep DBing. Don't be surprised if she initiates episodes of testing behavior again. Just be steady in your reactions. Consistently show her you're a better you. Keep doing you and focus on the kids. Maybe she's coming around a little, maybe she isn't, but patience and consistency on your part will do nothing but good.

[Dtrmned]

Just journaling mostly.
Wrapping up my trip. I was busy the whole time, but now have a little free time until my flight first thing in the morning. I'm doing ok, but just thinking, I haven't spoken or communicated with my W since Monday. I have spoken/emailed/texted my kids and they are good. I miss all of them a lot. Trip was great. Met a lot of new people so that was good. Socially interacted in the evening as well and that was nice to be out for a bit. I even got hit on last evening by a woman half my age. Of course I didn't pursue or allow that at all, in fact I didn't even realize it until about 10 minutes into the conversation. A little boost to my ego as well as she was an attractive woman. Laughed it off and thought about my W stating that she has been asked out a lot. I know that if we do D that she would have zero issues in finding someone to take her out. With her other issues I have doubts about keeping anything long term for her though.

Other than that, just a little lonely. I still love my W. I will never give up. I hope that she had a chance to think and reflect a little while I was gone. Hopefully she will be happy to see me. Busy weekend with the kids lined up as well so looking forward to that. I haven't done much thinking since I've been so busy and that has been great!

No idea what awaits me when I return. I will just go in and go from there.

[Dtrmned]

Feel very anxious and nervous today.
Headed home. Haven't had any communication with my W for 4 days.
I want to go home take her in my arms and just hold her.
I know I can't but that is how I feel. I don't know if I am dreading going back to face what is happening more or just nervous as to the reception I will receive.
Regardless, I will take a deep breath prior to entering . I am genuinely happy to see everyone as I have missed them.
How do I act towards her?
The break was nice, but I have this pressing need again to do something. That feeling of inaction. Patience is the key, but is this time just letting her get herself in a better position to go? I can't mind read, but the waiting is sometimes unbearable. Good part of the week was that I was able to focus. Made some great connections. And realized that I am a likeable, friendly person with a lot to contribute. My self confidence got a big boost and I needed that!

Still. I need advice on what I do now.

I feel that it has gotten worse since I started DBing 5 months ago. Some small signs, but 1 step forward then 4 steps back.

I will not give up, but I am just at a stand still.

[LH19]

JS,

I have followed your situation and haven't commented much. Have you read the Last Resort Technique? This is what you should be implementing right now. If you have patience and can exude strength through this until she is out, I can almost guarantee you will get a shot at reconciliation.

The harder you try to hold on the longer it is going to take. Your W is going to get a slap in the face with reality when you are gone.

Can you drop the rope?

Just don't be surprised that when she comes crawling back you have completely moved on.

[sandi2]

I feel that it has gotten worse since I started DBing 5 months ago. Some small signs, but 1 step forward then 4 steps back.

So exactly which part of DBing do you attribute to things getting worse?

[ovrrnbw]

JS,

I have followed your situation and haven't commented much. Have you read the Last Resort Technique? This is what you should be implementing right now. If you have patience and can exude strength through this until she is out, I can almost guarantee you will get a shot at reconciliation.

The harder you try to hold on the longer it is going to take. Your W is going to get a slap in the face with reality when you are gone.

Can you drop the rope?

Just don't be surprised that when she comes crawling back you have completely moved on.

Just curious b/c I am no great DB'er, should he really be doing the LRT? She dropped the divorce, so maybe I think he shouldn't.

JS, do you think things have gotten worse b/c of DB'ing? Or could it be unrelated? Is DB'ing helping you personally? Or is your focus of DB'ing all about getting her back?

[Dtrmned]

Thanks for the input and questions everyone. I will try to address them all.
I may have worded it incorrectly, but I do not attribute to db'ing being ANY reason whatsoever about things getting worse other than being told that as you do this it will definitely get worse until it has a chance to get better. She will react, overreact, not react and/or do many many things that are unable to be explained or justified, or she will just do something that is in line with the decision she has made.
First, the weekend was actually really good. We connected ok and kind of just picked up where we left off,but the communication, for some reason, was a little more open and longer from her and some jovial responses and the like. NOTHING romantic or anything like that, but it was more communication about things other than the kids.
As far as the db'ing and me feeling like I am getting nowhere. I believe it goes back to the ongoing issue that I have in really detaching and not focusing DB on just getting her back. I know the odds are at best 50/50. I need to drop the rope and I do feel that last week helped. And I believe the weekend helped as well. Last evening she cooked a nice dinner. The kids ate a little earlier as they had a bunch to do, so it actually just ended up with my W and I having dinner. And it was pleasant.

My concerns: How do I know if she is truly gone and just playing me as long as she can to get into a better position or have her plans come together? I find it difficult to almost not read too much into everything. Just my nature, but I've always been the "tackle the issue, make a decision and move forward" guy. This is way different and along with the 180's for the relationship, this is majorly counterintuitive on my regular thought process.

Weird part is, I can see us working it out. I also see her just "playing along" until her exit door opens and she is gone saying "I told you I was gone, I don't know why you thought it would be different". Concerned that I am putting too much pressure on myself to hold my family and MR together and if it doesn't happen that it will crush me once again. I am doing all I can to ensure that no matter what happens, that I am ok. Even thought I wouldn't like the end result if we D (hence the reason I am here), I know that I will survive, become happy again and enjoy life. I just still believe that there is hope and I have faith that someday she will see that I am a spouse only a fool would leave and will refocus on rebuilding our MR into an amazingly better relationship.

I am working each day to drop the rope more. I'm still working out and continuing all of my 180's. Also working on my GAL more and more as well.

So to recap, I would love to know if I should be doing the LRT for sure! She filed, withdrew, but has consistently said over the last 6 months that D is going to happen and it is too late for our MR. I know not to believe anything she says, but still, it is there.

I don't blame DB'ing for anything getting worse. Just observing that we have become more distant (outside of the weekend) there is no intimacy whatsover (and I'm of course not referring to sex with isn't even close). She did have a few complaints about one of the kids and we chatted for several minutes. I validated her viewpoints and told her I would support whichever decision she made with regard to the situation. She seemed to drag on the conversation wanting to vent. Again, I truly listened and validated and also reiterated her points back to her and her choices.

I feel pressure on me everyday. New job is digging in so YEA! But now I have a changeover in healthcare and I don't know how to handle that. Do I just treat her as my W and we are good? Or do I let her Cobra the old plan so she can separate now? Our lease for the home is up in 6 months. I need to start making a plan. If we are in the middle of a D then, it will be much more difficult for all of us. If we both go sign a new lease together and still in limbo, there is that to deal with as well (same thing that happened here).

Working more on the financial recovery, Kids, GAL, 180's and I need to find a knife to cut this rope!!!

[sandi2]

My concerns: How do I know if she is truly gone and just playing me as long as she can to get into a better position or have her plans come together? I find it difficult to almost not read too much into everything.

Well, IDK that you can. Some women are very clever in their manipulations, and some are extremely good actresses. IMHO, a H can be fooled b/c he wants to believe that things are slowly getting better. Maybe the W throws just enough crumbs to keep him hanging on.

I find it difficult to almost not read too much into everything. Just my nature, but I've always been the "tackle the issue, make a decision and move forward" guy. This is way different and along with the 180's for the relationship, this is majorly counterintuitive on my regular thought process.

As I once said, you are your own worst enemy. I think you try to keep the peace and appease her the best you can. Therefore, you analyze everything she says & does, and you act according to whatever you read into it. It seems to me that we do this when relationships are not where they should be. If the other person is not open, truthful, kind or loving...….then we try to figure them out, and therefore, know how to interact with them.

So to recap, I would love to know if I should be doing the LRT for sure! She filed, withdrew, but has consistently said over the last 6 months that D is going to happen and it is too late for our MR. I know not to believe anything she says, but still, it is there.

Maybe I need a memory jog, but did she say she withdrew it in order to save the M? Did she say she did not want to divorce you? Did she say anything about reconciliation? Or, did she just withdraw it, due to other reasons? Has there been any difference in her personal relationship with you? Have you sensed any tension gone from her?

I feel that you are going to deal with it the way you see fit, rather than the suggestions you receive on the board. I'm not saying this in a sarcastic tone. Most of these subjects have been previously discussed, so I believe at this point you are going to fall in with however it goes with her. You have an ill W, and you are dedicated to taking care of her. Your life has centered around her for so long, you can't even get away long enough to GAL on a regular basis. I admire you in many ways, but I am concerned that you have lost part of the man you once were before she became ill. As for as the LRT, I think you feel that being withdrawn and quite is you applying the LRT. ((hugs)).

I am working each day to drop the rope more.

Just curious, how do you see "dropping the rope"?

But now I have a changeover in healthcare and I don't know how to handle that.

IMHO, you need to look at this from the point of health coverage benefits and out-of-pocket money. Don't look at it from the point of where your M stands.

[Dtrmned]

Sandi..Thanks for weighing in.

First, I am trying NOT to be my own worst enemy. I don't want to make a mistake and despite your belief, I do take the feedback from this board very seriously and it has affected past decisions (and they were correct as well) Also, very much trying to "let it play out" and practice patience. I think AnotherStander had told me that inaction was the right action for the time being. It just feels, at times, that I am feeding to her cake eating and just allowing her to ride the wave until she decides what she wants to do. Feels more like a doormat than anything as the entire family has their lives on hold waiting on her decision.

With that said, What does it mean for me to drop the rope? I believe that it means exactly what was explained to me a few times (I'm sure) on this board. I have to get to the point that I don't care if she comes back or not. I find this WAY easier said than done. This leads to your other point Sandi that part of my current life is just being her caregiver. Through everything else that has happened I have lost my identity. It is slowly coming back, and it is coming back more and more each day. This is where it gets difficult. Example, Sunday my W slept later than usual. Got up ate breakfast then went back to sleep at noon and didn't get up until 6pm. She ate dinner, then went to bed around 10pm and slept until she had to get up the next morning. So an unscheduled, total sleep day due to health issues. I know this is not my problem any longer, but I am human and so is she and there is that pesky "been together forever" and "we have kids together" stuff that goes along with it. I have a real issue inside my soul getting to that true not caring part of this.

W withdrew the petition for divorce for personal reasons. She did not want to work on our MR. Has(d) every intention at that time and as of this moment to eventually file for D. Says she just think it has run its course, she sees no future and is done. Regardless of the consequences.

Regarding the healthcare. it is an entirely totally different way that i would look at it whether my W was on the policy or not. If it would just be the kids and I, where we don't use it as much, we could open up to other options. With W involved, it is way costlier but the choice is easier (compare costs and whether she can use same Dr's and choose).

There is no tension lately as we haven't really had any discussions outside of the kids and house stuff. No R or finance questions or conversations at all. She is slightly more talkative and I can tell that some days she is more relaxed and others she is very intent on closing herself off to me.

Am I tired of this, yes.

I don't want to give up, I am just tired of feeling like a doormat, being taken advantage of, and I need to figure out how to focus more on everything else and again drop the rope to my W and our old MR.