No idea where to start. Have been lurking for a couple of weeks reading everything I could. Got my DR book in the mail today and by the time I paged through it it all sounded very familiar.
Here's my sitch. I'm 34, W is 33, married 11 years, no kids. W went back to school 9/17. I discovered EA/PA with married OM classmate and confronted 4/18. Raged and destroyed some furniture and precious items. The next day apologized and said I want to R. Things were good for a couple weeks, we both seemed to want to R. But she was still in contact with him due to school. I was NGS so I let things happen. For most of May I was doing everything wrong, pursuing big time and expecting her to suddenly say, OK, I am committed, let's make this work. Nope. She had been checked out for at least 2 years. "I'm sorry I hurt you" but not really remorseful and definitely not interested in hearing my hurt.
MC starting end of May. She has been cooperative but not exactly putting in much effort. "I'm trying. I'm not ready to let go." We both have been in IC since before this (I suspect her IC gave her the confidence to take action but that's my resentment).
June she asked to S (after resuming contact with OM, I suspect). Managed to delay S a couple weeks because she felt that I was suddenly very calm and "letting go" which I was since I was stunned. But I offered to move out. I know, NGS. But I had a place that I could rent month-to-month. Didn't want her to live elsewhere and see OM whenever. I had a feeling the S was so she could resume A and called her on it, she called my bluff, so be it. Confirmed she was seeing him via phone tracker, brought this up in MC, she denied, I showed her photos of their cars in front of the motel where the tracker had found them (traumatic for me, shouldn't have gone there, more flashbacks).
Then OM's wife found out mid-July and W now claims that she is NC w/ OM but who knows. Things got slightly better after that. Plan B is the only plan now, I guess. Until it isn't again.
S was coordinated by MC as a trial separation or healing separation or whatever. Daily "good morning" text, weekly dates, weekly MC. Dates mostly ended poorly (again, my fault). Most recent date last Thursday we argued, so I said fine, you want space, I give you space. Won't text unless you text first but I'm here if you need me.
Saturday she texts to ask how my day went. I did too much R talk and talk about books I read (I know, I know). Sunday she texts again to tell me she found a note I had written her in May that she liked and kept, and it made her "teary." I invited her to my place (I know, I know). She said no thanks but maybe later this week, tells me she is learning a new song for me on her musical instrument for my birthday (upcoming this month). But also felt like I was angry at her because I was being cold and blunt (trying DB). Next day, Monday, she sends a few cute texts spontaneously during the day, compliments my new shirt. I figure we're making progress.
Then, beginning yesterday, dead silence. Still participating in group text with her family, but no texts to me. Confirmed MC appt. (via group text w/ MC) but no text to me. Going on almost 48 hours with no contact which is a new record. Can't point that out because that would be pressure. This is the part that is really making me nervous. Is it a test? Or did I make a mistake and now she is afraid of whatever I am "plotting"?
Lots to say about MR but the main problem was that I was depressed and unavailable. MC recommended that I continue to say nice things to her to keep the relationship alive. Tried some DB over the weekend when I was feeling good about myself after spending time with friends. Now starting to doubt if I made the right decision.
Her main glitch in terms of not R is that she doesn't feel safe around me. Apparently feels safe when I am calm and vulnerable. Didn't feel safe when my behavior was irritable, critical, detached, and unpredictable. Not sure if trying to "lovingly detach" will perpetuate her concerns.
We have MC tonight and I'm nervous. Feel like I'm losing control, just when I was getting better at hardening my heart and GAL and rebuilding confidence that I could go on without her.
So, officially she is WW but she approaches the sitch as WAW and claims A is a symptom rather than a cause. Very stubborn but not quite as heartless as WWs are described here. Definitely ambivalent about staying/going but willing to at least try. She says "I'm not ready to let go yet." Says she would regret giving up if there was a chance that things could work. Says she definitely does not want to go back to the way things were when she was planning her exit.
No idea what else to put here but any advice would be appreciated. It's hard resisting the urge to text her, but in the past I would often say, "Why didn't you text me good morning," which is pressure, expectations, etc.
How do I handle myself tonight? And what other encouragement can y'all provide? Thanks! P.S. very nervous posting any of this publicly.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
I guess the fundamental question is, did I do something wrong? All I've done is just not pester her, which I thought would help. What's different all of a sudden? My goal is to have no expectations, to focus on me so that I can be better for whoever ends up wanting me.
I know it's all counterintuitive but I don't want to give her a reason to make a "final decision" and I have this really uncomfortable feeling like something bad is going to happen. Just anxiety. It [censored] because over the weekend I was feeling good about myself and telling myself her responses to my actions don't dictate my mood. Apparently they still do.
Last edited by burned; 08/08/1804:16 PM. Reason: added more
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
burned you are overreacting. DBing will invoke a lot of reactions. My W would constantly ask me if something was wrong. "Nope, there is nothing wrong." Couple hours later "is something wrong?" "Nope, everything is good."
Some go dark themselves. But trust me, she is thinking and wondering about you too. And that is what you want. Giving in and initiating texts will ruin that. All of us at one time thought detachment wouldn't work because we were distanct, unavailable, checked out, not present, etc in the MR. Detachment is none of those. Not initiating doesn't mean you aren't responsive. It just means you don't start the interaction, and you end it. "Thanks for texting, but I have to go for now." Etc.
48 hours is a drop in the bucket. There are posters here that have been NC with their WAWs for days, weeks, and even months!
DBing requires self-control, patience, and consistency. You struggle with any of those three then you will not be successful with DBing.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve, glad to see you've taken an interest in me. I'm probably a lot like Ballast (different sitch but just as nervous and wordy). My main obstacles are fear and impatience. But you vets have been giving me lots of good encouragement already without knowing it. I feel kinda bad coming on here and hearing about people who are NC for months and have been served. My sitch is pretty tame in comparison but I need to talk it out.
In the meantime she texted me to see if I wanted to meet up with our mutual friends next Friday. She is just really fence sitting, most days I get the impression that she wants things to work out but just hopeless that they won't because of fear that I won't be able to change. So there's a lot of both of us trying to reach out to each other and then recoiling in fear. Mainly I came here to try to fix what I broke between May and June (and into July when I was having trouble coping with the S).
So I'm doing my 180s and GAL and the worst that has happened is that it gave me something different to worry about (I can worry about anything, I'm good at it). I hope she will take notice, but I also hope she won't see it as more proof that I'm inconsistent.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Her main glitch in terms of not R is that she doesn't feel safe around me. Apparently feels safe when I am calm and vulnerable. Didn't feel safe when my behavior was irritable, critical, detached, and unpredictable. Not sure if trying to "lovingly detach" will perpetuate her concerns.
This is legitimate. I can see why she feels that way except for the detached part. How can you be as attached as before, you're living separately? Don't be irritable and critical, that will never win her back.
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We have MC tonight and I'm nervous. Feel like I'm losing control, just when I was getting better at hardening my heart and GAL and rebuilding confidence that I could go on without her.
Losing control over what, yourself? Get it back, it's within your reach.
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So, officially she is WW but she approaches the sitch as WAW and claims A is a symptom rather than a cause. Very stubborn but not quite as heartless as WWs are described here. Definitely ambivalent about staying/going but willing to at least try. She says "I'm not ready to let go yet." Says she would regret giving up if there was a chance that things could work. Says she definitely does not want to go back to the way things were when she was planning her exit.
She's right about it being a symptom IMO, but it is also a cause of great marital stress and no sane person would deny that. Things can be more than one "thing" at a time AKA the affair is a symptom of marital issues but it also causes more marital issues.
When she says she would regret giving up, you just validate. Don't try to reason with her or fix it for her.
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No idea what else to put here but any advice would be appreciated. It's hard resisting the urge to text her, but in the past I would often say, "Why didn't you text me good morning," which is pressure, expectations, etc.
How do I handle myself tonight? And what other encouragement can y'all provide? Thanks! P.S. very nervous posting any of this publicly.
Cut that stuff out, the pressure, the pursuit.
What is happening tonight.
As for her offer to meet with mutual friends, I would take that one. That means she is unafraid to be with you, in public, around people who know you.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
She is just really fence sitting, most days I get the impression that she wants things to work out but just hopeless that they won't because of fear that I won't be able to change.
This is interesting. Because I feel my W was a lot like this. I honestly believe that she used, looking back at hindsight, the threat of D to get me to institute changes that I hadn't been making otherwise. Maybe I am barking up the wrong tree on that.
However, the thing that fixes her "fear" is your consistency. Be consistent. Over time. She will eventually start embracing your changes.
This is my daily struggle in my own sitch. Is making sure I remain consistent in my changes since BD. Slipping back will destroy the R we are currently engaged in.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
