Hi everyone. Been reading hundreds of threads on here and elsewhere the last few weeks. Finally decided I should just post my story and hopefully get some advice.
So a little background. Married for 11 years. I’m 43, she’s 37, and we have the coolest 7 year old son.
Our relationship has always been a little rocky. Never any abuse, infidelity, or even huge blowup fights. Since we’ve been married, we’ve each put ourselves though college, had our son, gotten career jobs, and basically have slowly drifted apart and became ‘roommates’. Our time together is usually limited because I work daylight, and she works a lot of evenings. Weekends are spent doing things with our son, and/or hanging at mutual friends house.
Over the past year or two, while things have seemed ok (we do a lot of things as a family, no fights, etc), the emotional connection and intimacy has nosedived. We bought a beautiful house a few years ago, and between our son being ‘scared’ to sleep alone, getting a dog that was crazy at night, and my W being much more of a night owl than me, we started sleeping separately. Our sex life has been nonexistent, and the more I would complain about the lack of sex, the more she complained about lack of communication. Round and round we went. I take full responsibility for not always meeting her needs, and often putting my needs and activities above hers. I don't think on the surface I fall into the 'nice guy' category. But I do often cave to her on issues.
Anyway, a few weeks ago she very calmly asked me to ‘talk’, and said that she hasn’t been happy for a long time, and wants to divorce. After the initial shock, I told her that I know we’ve had issues, but we’ve never really tried to address them, or even seriously discuss them. I said I think we should at least try to save our marriage. She basically said there’s nothing to save, we’ve drifted too far apart, we’re too different, etc. She stressed there is nobody else, and wants to be amicable about it.
A few days go by and I, not finding this site yet, am trying my best to hold it together for 2 or 3 days. Very nice, accommodating, watching our S so she can go have ‘girl talk’ with our mutual friends, etc. She then told me that all of that is just pissing her off, cause she knows it’s not the ‘real me’, and there’s nothing I can say or do to influence her in any direction.
For the last week I’ve worked hard to give her space and time. I haven’t initiated any R talk, haven’t really even bothered her with anything. I haven’t been mean, but just giving her space. After another weekend of her having ‘girl talk’ with girls I know and trust, I was told that she has just completely checked out, doesn’t see any reason to even try working on the marriage, and isn’t in love with me anymore. She even commented that the only way she’ll ever be happy is by leaving me, and she hates the thought of hurting me. Nobody in 'the loop' can figure out a catalyst for any of this. Just a few weeks ago we were talking about birth control, vacations, etc
Obviously I’ve gone through all the stages (shock, sadness, anger, etc). I’m furious that she would do this, furious she never discussed it with me seriously, and furious at myself for being too dumb to realize or address the issues a year ago. I love her, and think that these things can be fixed. I can’t stand the thought of divorce. But I also hate sitting here in limbo, feeling like she’s just building up the confidence and justification to file the divorce.
I have ordered DR, but haven’t gotten it yet. I have no real idea what to do, how to act, what to think, etc. I've read Sandi's 37 rules and think I'm doing most of them. I’ve really just been spending the evenings playing with our son, and going about my business. She spends her evenings watching TV and playing around on her phone (facebook, etc). I just don’t know if I should continue to avoid all M talk, if I should be the one to push things along towards divorce/separation, if I should be nice, distant, etc.
Sorry this was so long, and thanks in advance for any advice.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Yes and no. I mean, she's always on it, and keeps it with her nearly all the time. But she knows I know the code to get in, and doesn't seem to 'hide' it from me.
I honestly don't believe there's anyone else. I could be wrong, but I trust that for now. I'm not big on 'snooping', but I haven't seen or heard of anything that points to that.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Ok, I saw that because she is likely in an EA. The catalyst for a W to finally drop the bomb is usually the fact that there is someone else. Even if this EA has no chance of a PA, the fact that she has crossed the line into emotional intimacy with someone else often times awakens a desire for close personal connection with someone. And she doesn't see that as possibility with you.
Have you tried the code to her phone lately? One of the first signs that my W was in an EA was that suddenly her code on her phone and other accounts got changed.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Ok, I saw that because she is likely in an EA. The catalyst for a W to finally drop the bomb is usually the fact that there is someone else. Even if this EA has no chance of a PA, the fact that she has crossed the line into emotional intimacy with someone else often times awakens a desire for close personal connection with someone. And she doesn't see that as possibility with you.
Have you tried the code to her phone lately? One of the first signs that my W was in an EA was that suddenly her code on her phone and other accounts got changed.
Obviously that was my first suspicion too, and I haven't ruled it out. I mean seriously, all of the 'red flags' are definitely present, but I can only go with what I know for now. And honestly, and I'm probably wrong, but I don't really see it mattering all that much either way. If there isn't anyone now, there will be soon I'm sure. And if there is, there isn't anything I can do about it.
Yes, I'm not proud of it, but I have. Code is the same. Nothing from any guys at all (of course conversations could be deleted). Just some texts to friends, family, and female coworkers about how much she's struggling with all of this, thanking them for their support, etc.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Ok, I saw that because she is likely in an EA. The catalyst for a W to finally drop the bomb is usually the fact that there is someone else. Even if this EA has no chance of a PA, the fact that she has crossed the line into emotional intimacy with someone else often times awakens a desire for close personal connection with someone. And she doesn't see that as possibility with you.
Have you tried the code to her phone lately? One of the first signs that my W was in an EA was that suddenly her code on her phone and other accounts got changed.
Obviously that was my first suspicion too, and I haven't ruled it out. I mean seriously, all of the 'red flags' are definitely present, but I can only go with what I know for now. And honestly, and I'm probably wrong, but I don't really see it mattering all that much either way. If there isn't anyone now, there will be soon I'm sure. And if there is, there isn't anything I can do about it.
Yes, I'm not proud of it, but I have. Code is the same. Nothing from any guys at all (of course conversations could be deleted). Just some texts to friends, family, and female coworkers about how much she's struggling with all of this, thanking them for their support, etc.
Actually I am very happy about your attitude on this. It is very healthy, and a very good way to look at it. You're right, it doesn't matter for what you need to be doing.
And your last point is a good one. My W was installing apps,using them, then uninstalling them. I found it by looking at her Google Activity log. (Yeah I was a bad snooper.)
So how has your GAL been going?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
nothing to be ashamed of by snooping. I call it gathering intel. You need to be informed to make sound decisions.
Get out of her way when talks about how she has to leave you. Just say OK. Don't argue or reason.
She's getting out for "girl talk" or whatever that could be - which could be a number of things.
Go do you for a bit - GAL. Call your buddies and head out to the bar, play some pool. go fishing. Don't have to talk about your sitch with them either unless you want to.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Ok, I saw that because she is likely in an EA. The catalyst for a W to finally drop the bomb is usually the fact that there is someone else. Even if this EA has no chance of a PA, the fact that she has crossed the line into emotional intimacy with someone else often times awakens a desire for close personal connection with someone. And she doesn't see that as possibility with you.
Have you tried the code to her phone lately? One of the first signs that my W was in an EA was that suddenly her code on her phone and other accounts got changed.
Obviously that was my first suspicion too, and I haven't ruled it out. I mean seriously, all of the 'red flags' are definitely present, but I can only go with what I know for now. And honestly, and I'm probably wrong, but I don't really see it mattering all that much either way. If there isn't anyone now, there will be soon I'm sure. And if there is, there isn't anything I can do about it.
Yes, I'm not proud of it, but I have. Code is the same. Nothing from any guys at all (of course conversations could be deleted). Just some texts to friends, family, and female coworkers about how much she's struggling with all of this, thanking them for their support, etc.
Actually I am very happy about your attitude on this. It is very healthy, and a very good way to look at it. You're right, it doesn't matter for what you need to be doing.
And your last point is a good one. My W was installing apps,using them, then uninstalling them. I found it by looking at her Google Activity log. (Yeah I was a bad snooper.)
So how has your GAL been going?
Lol thanks. Not saying its not on my mind, but I cant concern myself with that now. I think a more likely issue is friends from work who are also divorced women.
I also think a big thing is that because of her job, she feels very 'empowered' and confident now. Maybe shes looking for more indepenence? She also has a history of being real emotional, and sometimes acting without thinking everything through, but shes definitely putting a lot of thought into this. I also think overall depression may be a factor too, but im no psychiatrist.
Aside from pulling back from her to give her space, im not sure what else to do really. I already workout everyday, have continued hobbies, went out this weekend without her, etc. Not that she minded. Lol
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
