I'm still fine-tuning my patience in this process. But I am getting better and better at it. Keeping it brief and businesslike is getting noticed. I would hate to think that it's all in my head, but you all are seeing it a little more objectively. I'm keeping on keeping on. I'll note the mistakes I made from the conversation last night and apply them going forward.
There is a situation tonight in which she invited me to go with her to pick her mom up. She then explained the why (I didn't ask. I just said "I don't know right now".) and gave me reasoning of acting like a buffer between the two of them and D4. That part isn't making sense to me. That was never really an issue before and the three of them generally got along really well. Not over-analyzing, but it is making me think that she is sensing me actually pulling away. Which I am...it's not an act or a ploy or a game. I am pulling away. GAL is a major goal for me. And I'm making significant steps towards that.
Steve,
When I say she's cracking, I mean like she's coming down off her "high" of experiencing the awesome things she wanted to experience (music, OM, etc.). The summer is nearing its end and she got a big reality check from both of her jobs of underperforming. She has plans for another month of activities then the new school year begins. It may be a roller-coaster, but there are warning signs on the horizon. I don't know. I'm trying not to read too much into this, but since I came out and told her that "I agree with you that it's over", her behaviors are making subtle but noticeable changes (she wants to do stuff for me, asking about me coming home to "pick up her check", etc.). Like you said, it's a marathon, not a sprint. And after 7 months of being breathless and trying to catch up, I'm feeling like I got a "second wind". I'm starting to have more good moments than bad. I like these feelings.
Yep pain, I knew what you meant. But don't be surprised when she vacillates between being sure she wants a D and then acting like maybe she doesn't as much. She is on a roller-coaster ride too. And she will play off of you. Look up the pursuit-distance dynamic. Most of the time what happens is we see positive outcomes to our detachment, and think it is a greenlight for pursuit and pressure. Then the LBS undoes all their hard work in an instance. So my comment was more to encourage you to continue what you are doing, and don't let the signs of cracking deter you in continued detachment and distancing.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Yep pain, I knew what you meant. But don't be surprised when she vacillates between being sure she wants a D and then acting like maybe she doesn't as much. She is on a roller-coaster ride too. And she will play off of you. Look up the pursuit-distance dynamic. Most of the time what happens is we see positive outcomes to our detachment, and think it is a greenlight for pursuit and pressure. Then the LBS undoes all their hard work in an instance. So my comment was more to encourage you to continue what you are doing, and don't let the signs of cracking deter you in continued detachment and distancing.
Understood...and this is where the DETACH part comes into focus, correct?
And as far as pursuit from my end goes, I'm coasting. SHE will let me know. AFAIK, I'm GAL and preparing for life without her.
I don't understand what your W's reason is for you going with her. Any update there?
She says to have a buffer between D4 and W's mother and W while they shop for groceries. D4 apparently may misbehave or take attention away (I really don't know. And I don't know what other reasons) That has never been an issue before even before we split. D4 would do D4 stuff like ask for food we don't need and whatnot, but never to the point where it was a huge problem. D4 is well-behaved overall and understands that we can't always get what we want when we go to the store. W knows this too because she shops with D4 often as well.
To keep the distance, I may ask W to meet me at home and I'll stay with D4 while she goes to pick up her mom. Then when she comes back home I will leave back to my friend's house.
Reason I ask is that I want to continue to GAL and set boundaries without being passive aggressive.
Also, would the techniques I am applying to this situation...game like? I hate to think of it as me playing games with W (doesn't feel like it. Feels I'm truly working on DETACH and I'm seeing some results already) and don't like to think that I'm playing games, but I would like to know what this process truly is and continue to hone my strategy for fixing myself.
Sorry to sound a little needy, but I would like some advice on how to proceed tonight. I'm leaning towards staying home with D4 rather than accompany W to W's mom.
