WW- Equalzr's saga pt 2. WW's & MLC'er advice plz

[equalzr]

Starting a new thread for the ongoing saga.

Heres the original: Part 1

Im detaching, really trying to take care of myself and remove my emotions as much as possible. I do have some questions about detaching etc as ive read a lot of material and want to make sure i do it the right way.

1. Do I avoid going anywhere with W even if she invites? Do I extend an invitation to some things S and I are doing or completely shut her out since she doesnt want our M? (Im doing things by myself)

2. W basically goes on vacations w/ OM, and hangs out with him almost daily(lies about whereabouts) House seems to be hers so i cant throw her out, but Im not going to keep standing by while it goes on. Shes living a double life and her family or our S dont know the truth. Should i be filling them in? I am under the impression not to bring them into it? I kind of feel like shes getting off the hook because nobody knows what is really going on. She still looks perfect in everyones eyes, meanwhile shes doing her dirt, destroying her family, but getting praised from everyone around her about how good of a person she is. She has everyone fooled.

Im doing better keeping busy but it still plays over and over in the back of my mind like a bad nightmare. There is no change in W behavior since first thread. She did say she was going to file for the first time when I told her I refused to live in what she treats as an open marriage, which is a change because it went from not wanting a divorce and lying about improving M with MC, to W wasnt sure and finally to she plans on filing.

Im leaning towards doing a DB session. I need to iron out some specific details on how I interact and approach the situation from now on. Any advice is welcomed.

[equalzr]

Almost forgot, anniversary and bdays are coming up. Do I completely ignore them other than sayong happy _____? I know gifts are out and dinner etc is out.

[WillD78]

If you've looked at my sitch, I'm clearly not a pro at this, but regarding telling family, etc., I wouldn't do it for a number of reasons.

1. "The rules" say not to do it.

2. If you have any hope of reconciling, it's going to make it that much harder when your friends and family know all that your W has done.

3. This is my personal opinion: You're essentially letting her off the hook. You're breaking the seal, in a sense. She no longer needs to worry, if she does at all, what others will think of her if they find out the truth because they will now know the truth. That's my thinking anyway.

I, too, have an anniversary approaching. I personally do not plan to recognize it at all. There is nothing to celebrate, so it will be just another day.

Good luck, my friend!

[equalzr]

I agree with you Will. Im just making sure that i dont confuse detaching and being cold which are two different things. I try to make sure im not a jerk, but also dont want to give her the convenience of her H either. My W has been eating cake and probably ice cream too for a long time. There definitely isnt anything to celebrate.

[WillD78]

I struggle with this loving detachment thing, too, so I get it. But I don't think it's being a jerk to choose not to recognize an M that W is actively rebelling against.

[mtb1981]

I wouldn't acknowledge the anniversary. W may expect you to, but imo it will make her do some thinking if you don't...

[equalzr]

I struggle with this loving detachment thing, too, so I get it. But I don't think it's being a jerk to choose not to recognize an M that W is actively rebelling against.

Oh no, i mean by being cold in general. I try to stay polite, listen to what she has to say, have pleasant interaction, but i dont initiate conversations.

[ballast]

She goes on vacations with OM, hangs out with him daily and you have to ask about going places with her, Anniversary and birthday?!?!

Equalzr, MAN UP!! God I know it is hard and [censored] but if for sure you know what you are saying, you do NONE OF THAT!

[equalzr]

Well, found out today she filed last week. Guess thats that.

Yes she did me crappy at the end, but im still devastated.

[LANE777]

equalizer,
Hey man, are you okay? I feel for you. Someone once told me that you will always get an answer to your prayer no matter what. It might not be what you want but God know whats best. It has been hard for me to believe God would want us to have a broken family. However our Ws are have their free agency to choose. So they are the ones who will have consequences of their choices. So, You're a very strong person for putting up with your sitch for almost 2 years.
I am very surprised its been going on for so long. You won't want to hear this but I think its a good thing for her to move on out. I think it will be tough for you for a few days and then on and off again for a couple months. But I can honestly say that when my W abruptly left I was devastated for a couple of weeks. I didn't have any of these tools here on DB. I was a growing idiot pushing here further and further away. Now for you, she leaves and I think your past all the big mistakes we all made in the beginning . You can actually continue GAL. The hurt you feel will start to fade sooner than normal I believe. Go listen to Led Zeppelins "your time is gonna come" cause thats exactly whats going to happen.
I was thinking about all the women from my early days that did me a crappy at the end. A few of them got their pay back in a bad way. So thats what Im counting on for you and my self. Karma will come to her. Just sit back and enjoy the show. It might take a while...maybe years but trust me it will come. Who cares about the filing...seriously ...if pushes you to the next chapter in life. You and your boy will be so much happier in just a month and then a year you will look back on all this and wonder why you let it go for so long. Its okay to be devastated but only for a little while.
I will pray for your happiness and comfort...god will give you strength to get through this. I will be checking back on you soon bro.