Good post equal..Glad to see your making a plan for your self. I'm with you when you say you don't ever want to feel this helpless ever again. The WW is such a different mindset. I also can't believe its happened to me. I've found its very common though. But still never did I think it would ever happen. I just wanted to touch base and tell you to keep pushing and taking care of yourself and your S. Time will start to pick up now that you're focusing on other things. I'm on my phone so typing is not my forte. Keep us posted!
ME 47 W 38 M17 T20 Separated 5/20/18 D-bomb 7/9/2018 Nothing Filed 4 kids ages 6, 10, 14, 15
I went to ic this week, and it really helped validate some of my feelings. I went and worked with the counselor my W and I went to when this whole thing was in the beginning stages...or what i thought was possibly the beginning of it. The counselor confired most of my feelings from our sessions together that my W didnt seem genuine about improving our M(i know, it was obvious). Counselor was shocked by all the events that have happened since then.
Even though my feelings were validated, ive found myself getting really angry ever since the session. Im going to continue ic for a bit to help deal with all of the issues i know have going on since W became a WW. On top of the hurt, im starting to deal with anger, resenment, and feelings of disgust. The whole thing disgusts me in so many ways, and ive started to find myself being repulsed by my W at times. I know its time to deal with these issues because i dont want them to start changing me from the inside out in a negative way.
Nothing has changed on the front with my W. Shes still M.I.A a lot of the time. She is the epitome of "all about me" and "its time to take care of me". Still no consideratuon to how anyone else is affected by all of this, but i know to expect that.
My S and I continue to remain close throughout all of this. W has been a little kinder to him lately and has spent a little bit of time with him here and there, so thats good although she dissapears for 7-8 hour stretches into the late night that are unaccounted for. I feel bad for him because i wouldnt want my mother out there running the streets or whatever late nights and nobody has a clue whats going in. That part makes me pretty sad for him, and she was an awesome mom up until this, and overall shes still probably a good mom. She did set the bar pretty high for herself though.
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
Yesterday i went for a run with my S. It definitely helped burn off some of the negative energy i have. I got cleaned up and ran some errands and went book shoppong. Found a good book about success, motivation, and daily goals. I spent my evening with my S and did a little reading as well (including DR).
Today i feel completely overwhelmed by my situation. Missed an opportunity to work out this a.m. so that probably didnt help. Im struggling with making decisions for my S with my W even though we are heading down separate paths for now. This is all new. Im supposed to keep "us" in mind (financially), but still have to keep it in the back of my mind that there will be no us to consider.
W still is heading down the same path @ 100mph so there is no change there. I will cut length of conversations even shorter from now on for my sanity. Its obviously not about us anymore so I need to keep myself as first priority.
Im going to work on my 180's more going forward. There are some areas that i can stand to improve and this is a good start. Procrastinating being number 1. Matter of fact im going to take care of something right now...
Last edited by equalzr; 08/19/1807:06 PM.
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
Ive been embracing letting go. Thats the plan going forward.
The W was around the house for a bit and somehow managed to ask a question about me and things that i did in the relationship in the past. Something relatively insignificant that probably happened 16-17 years ago(think having an attitude etc). It seems that she still likes to bring up things that she was hurt by or held resentment about throughout the years, some bigger than others. I did a good job of keeping answers short for the most part and validated her feelings. It really takes a concentrated efgort but im getting better.
What do WW's get out of it, does it fuel their justification? Does it make them feel better about themselves? Do they really want to talk rationally about it(obviously not, and i wont go there either anymore)? Why do they want to bring up those questions when they dont want R anymore? I need Sandi here for that one!
I become more bitter as each and every day goes by. Meaning that im upset by what she did obviously, but im becoming more and more disgusted by her actions and remorse. I just dont get it at all. Ill visit my ic again soon so i can continue dealing with these feelings.
Last edited by equalzr; 08/21/1802:06 AM.
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
I put together a full week of activities to keep me busy when im not working or taking care of responsibilities at home. Keeping my mind and body busy is a full time job at this point. Within the last week Ive accepted that the marriage i had is DEAD. I do know that the anxiety because of the uncertainty of my future was/is becoming too much. Im glad that ive started seeing an ic again, and the rest ive decided to hand over to God.
I still have no clue how someone can do this to their H and child, and go on with life as if nothing has happened. My feelings have changed over time, and our S seems to keep drifting further away from her as well. She spends a lot of time away from home, spends her time at home in the bedroom messaging OM, and spends a good chunk of her time with S nitpicking him.
Im still in shock and disbelief over this whole ordeal. This doesnt even seem like real life at times.
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
What do WW's get out of it, does it fuel their justification? Does it make them feel better about themselves? Do they really want to talk rationally about it(obviously not, and i wont go there either anymore)? Why do they want to bring up those questions when they dont want R anymore? I need Sandi here for that one!
Yes they use it to justify their actions. Soothe their guilt. "See! It was your fault!" And part of the reason they bring it up because no matter how much they insist that they are sure about not wanting to R, I don't think they are ever sure.
I read another anti-divorce expert that told the story of a woman that went so far as to accuse her LBH of sexual abusing their D! It was a false accusation. At the final D hearing she told him "I know we will end up back together someday." HUH? She cheated on her H, tried to get him thrown out of the house with a false accusation, but then still said that to him as the D was being finalized.
They always want you there for a Plan B. If they can guilt you into being there waiting ("We wouldn't have this problem if you hadn't -fill in the blank_!") then they will. You are known quantity. When the rest of their world falls down around them (and it will eventually) they think they can always go back to you to pick up the pieces.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
That's a crazy story Steve. My W basically strung me along (before i could prove A), while she built a long term relationship with OM. Shes so deep in that R now i dont think theres any turning back.
She must really feal justification through those comments/accusations. They come up like clockwork if you spend any time around her. For the most part ive been really good at not falling into those convos and just validating her feelings when needed. I realize its not the time to "state my case" as to defending myself or making things better etc.
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
Im getting closer to going back to school. That is a major step in the right direction. Im also spending a ton of time reading self help/motivational books, and im just about finished with DR book.
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
Got a text message from my W. It was completely out of the blue, and i cant think of anything that would have solicited it. That said, she said it had suddenly hit her how bad she had hurt me and that she was genuinely sorry for that. She said some other things about the past etc as well and that she didnt mean for this to happen.
I think at first i was really appreciative of it, then i started feeling like this was more about her feelings than mine. Saying she didnt mean for this to happen is a complete cop out imo. She had plenty of opportunities to change this, and she also could have...well maybe.... not started having an affair start with or not even opened that door up???
In the end, it pi***d me off. Maybe im reading it wrong, but in the end its still about her and her feelings and needs. She had a husband who went through the fire trying to save M and she just threw it all away. I know better to expect it but damn what type of souless person cant admit they F'd up? Not only thst, but they continue to hurt their family and lie to them.
Sorry, im just blowing off steam. Im upset. Ill update this once i clear my head. I wont let her keep messing with my emotions after this. I wont do it.
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
