The cycle doesn’t stop. Anxiety for an hour or so followed by a few hours of relief. Invasive thoughts of OM and W getting physically intimate...and it snowballs from there.
Just got out of evening prayers. I sat in the back with my eyes closed while the Imam recited the prayer. Just took his prayer and just tried to feel the higher power go through me. And I left feeling sadder. I hate Friday and Saturday nights. I am trying to GAL, but it's so hard. I can't get a OW because it justifies her with OM. She gets her needs met, and I can't. I'm trying to take the higher road. And I took the higher road all my life. As a child, as a college student, as a graduate student, even in some moments as a boyfriend and husband. And while things turn out pretty ok, those who cheated somehow make it in the end better than I do. Why? How is this fair?
And of course, I have to keep on doing what I'm doing. Because I don't know what else to do. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.
Guess you haven't read my thread? Or many on the site?
You could be divorced. You could have not spoken to your W in weeks, months, years. Your W could be "engaged" to another man. Your W could have moved out or on completely. Your W could have multiple OM. Your in laws could turn on you. W could get pregnant/std.
The list goes on.
Yours still has turns for the negative, I wouldn't doubt it for a second. Not that it won't have positives too.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Guess you haven't read my thread? Or many on the site?
Haven't read your story yet. I've been reading other threads and finding similarities to my situation
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
You could be divorced.
Nothing yet, though it's a definite possibility.
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
You could have not spoken to your W in weeks, months, years.
Slow, painful burn. She called 22 hours after last text message.
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Your W could be "engaged" to another man.
I don't know what's going on in their R. As far as I know, they could be making plans. Or he could just be her EA/PA f*ck buddy.
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Your W could have moved out or on completely.
She can't afford it. She's already trying to keep me from doing the same.
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Your W could have multiple OM.
I don't know that. She could
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Your in laws could turn on you.
FIL already went cold to me. MIL is cordial enough.
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
W could get pregnant/std.
She has HPV16.
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Yours still has turns for the negative, I wouldn't doubt it for a second. Not that it won't have positives too.
Why does it feel like the negatives are dominating the small positives? Even after 7 months of this separation? Six weeks since the in-house separation fell apart. Two weeks since I went full-force detach/GAL. GAL has been a steady work in progress for the last three months. 180s are in progress.
No matter how many A/D and Anti-Anxiety meds I take, how many counseling sessions I go to, how many times I pray, how many times I try to stay busy, and how many times I objectively say "It's over", she dominates my thoughts. Sometimes it's my physical needs not getting fulfilled, other times, it's emotional needs.
Two weeks and I feel like I made some progress...and then I feel the same as I did two weeks, two months ago...sad, hopeless, and desperate for the pain to cease. I can't so squat of suppressing the pain, I know. But I've endured so much already. How much more can I take?
I'm really trying. But it's always been really hard. It's not getting any easier. It's my mindset I know. But changing that is a monumental challenge in itself.
Marathon, not sprint... Marathon, not sprint... Marathon, not sprint...
I think the pain decreases when you give up hope. Thats when it gets easier. I think giving up hope for reconciliation is necessary for detachment.
I think it takes time to get to that state. In the beginning those of us with hearts are really just acting as if, because this is loss. You have to grieve. Its part of the process.
