Help Please!

[Terapin]

Terpain,

nothing to be ashamed of by snooping. I call it gathering intel. You need to be informed to make sound decisions.

Get out of her way when talks about how she has to leave you. Just say OK. Don't argue or reason.

She's getting out for "girl talk" or whatever that could be - which could be a number of things.

Go do you for a bit - GAL. Call your buddies and head out to the bar, play some pool. go fishing. Don't have to talk about your sitch with them either unless you want to.

Thanks. Yeah some of the things I read on there bothered me, but at least no sign of OM, yet.

So I should continue to avoid any relationship conversations for now? One thing I know is, she has been talking to a lot of people/women about this. But literally all of them are divorced, have been divorced, or are thinking of getting divorced. That's fine, but I wish she would get some insight from some happily married women. lol

At least two of her main confidants are apparently definitely telling her to try working it out. I don't know if she continues talking with them in hopes of them changing her mind, or her changing their minds....

I have something to do Saturday night that she won't be involved in. It's hard to 'go out' with our son, but maybe I can just go grab a bite to eat by myself or something for a little bit

[Terapin]

Dont know if this was good, bad, indifferent. We dont get much alone time cause of our son. Today i dropped him for a play date w kids down the street. Wife gets home, we say hi and chat for a few. I told her im going to the restaurant nearby to eat, and shes welcome to come. She said no, so i went. Should i have stayed in case she wanted to talk?

[Davide]

Terapin,

You are still too focused on her, which is normal at this point. You need to be doing things for yourself regardless of her. So definitely don't have relationship conversations unless she starts them, and even then I would listen and validate for the most part. You definitely shouldn't stay in. You should get out and lead your life. Go to a restaurant, find friends to hang out with. Exercise. Join a meetup group. Get out of your comfort zone. Obviously your GAL time is limited by your son, but make it a point to get out and do new things.

Hang in there. It is a rough ride, but you can make it through.

[uk82]

Definitely not! You did the right thing by going. I’m experiencing the same things, but much much nastier. And yes my W suddenly knows a hell of a lot of divorced women and men for that matter. Uouve made a great start I think. Mine was littered with all the usual mistakes.

[Terapin]

I swear I've read thousands of posts/threads on 4 or 5 different message boards in the last 2 weeks. The reason I chose this one to join/post is because the people here seem the most reasonable and level headed (not just: she's cheating, divorce her! Get a lawyer! Kiss her a.. to make things right!") So again, the replies I receive are appreciated more than you all know. But, and I don't want to insult anyone here, but I'm not much of a computer/message board guy. So I don't know how much or how little to post, what the etiquette is, etc. lol. I don't want to fill up the board with useless nonsense, so I will try to just post relevant info.

Davide: Ya, I definitely agree with you. The struggle I have with 'going out' is that one of her main problems with me is that I'm not 'supportive', 'emotionally engaged', 'I don't communicate', etc. Doing my 'own thing' may be counter-intuitive? I guess that's the dilemma for a lot of guys though?

UK: Thanks man. Sorry your stuff is so nasty. Yeah, odd how they all of the sudden know all kinds of divorced people. Actually, I swear, her and I literally know 5 couples right now going through or contemplating a divorce. Is this [censored] contagious?

[Terapin]

Davide: One thing, maybe you or someone else can help with.

My wife functions more on emotions, and I'm more analytical. So for me, a big part of me is now thinking along these lines: It's August. If we can get the house/yard together and ready to show by the end of the month, with a lot of luck we may get it sold by October. Maybe we can both find places, and get this all settled by November or December. The reason (to me) that that's important is because, if we piss around for a month or two, we're not going to be able to do anything in the middle of winter. which will be a nightmare.

So, am I nuts for thinking about bringing that up to her? I know that realistically, if we proceed with divorce, this is the best plan of attack for us financially. But should I just ride it out for now?

[Davide]

Terapin,

You need to be thinking about taking care of yourself, protecting yourself both emotionally and financially. If getting the house ready to sell quickly is important to you financially then perhaps you should do it. I didn't see that mentioned earlier in your sitch though, and it seems like you might be rushing things just to get some resolution. This is a long process and rushing through it won't actually help. Has your wife even talked about moving out? I don't think you can force her to leave the house until you are divorced. Is the house in your name or hers or both?

I think you are trying to get out ahead of things to try and control them. Let go of that. The sooner you realize that you can't control this situation the better off you will be. Obviously, take the steps to protect yourself, but give up the illusion of control.

[Terapin]

Terapin,

You need to be thinking about taking care of yourself, protecting yourself both emotionally and financially. If getting the house ready to sell quickly is important to you financially then perhaps you should do it. I didn't see that mentioned earlier in your sitch though, and it seems like you might be rushing things just to get some resolution. This is a long process and rushing through it won't actually help. Has your wife even talked about moving out? I don't think you can force her to leave the house until you are divorced. Is the house in your name or hers or both?

I think you are trying to get out ahead of things to try and control them. Let go of that. The sooner you realize that you can't control this situation the better off you will be. Obviously, take the steps to protect yourself, but give up the illusion of control.

Ya, I probably am rushing to a resolution. I feel like I can deal with most things, good or bad. But being in limbo is something that's driving me nuts.

No, she hasn't mentioned anything as far as that. Actually last week when she was telling me how miserable she's been, I (maybe foolishly) handed her a print out I made of household assets. She said something like 'i haven't even thought about this stuff yet'. Stuff like that leads me to believe she's still on the fence, but then she tells others that she doesn't love me. Very confusing. Like I said, I guess I'm just the type that would rather deal with something logically and immediately, rather than 'think about' stuff for weeks on end.

But you make good points. Thanks man

[Terapin]

Well not much communication today. Struggling a bit since it's our anniversary.

[Davide]

I can imagine an anniversary would be rough. Try to get out and do something fun, or hang out with some friends if you can. Don't let yourself just mope around the house. Hang in there. It will get better.