Read the detachment thread. You are confusing detached with checked out. You both were checked out before, not detached.
Also google self differentiation in marriage. That's what you are shooting for. Derachment isn't ignoring her. It's not being focused on her. It's not reacting emotionally to what she says and does. It's being present (notice the opposite of checked out), but not following her around, hounding her, and looking like a puppy dog trying to win her approval.
Go read my first 2 or 3 threads. You'll see Istruggled with the same thing.
Once you're not focused like a laser on her, and once you're not reacting emotionally to what she says and does, and you can have light, fun conversation and some non- sexual touch affection without expectations, then by all means start sprinkling some of that in.
Do what works. Stop anything that doesn't.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Read the detachment thread. You are confusing detached with checked out. You both were checked out before, not detached.
Also google self differentiation in marriage. That's what you are shooting for. Derachment isn't ignoring her. It's not being focused on her. It's not reacting emotionally to what she says and does. It's being present (notice the opposite of checked out), but not following her around, hounding her, and looking like a puppy dog trying to win her approval.
Go read my first 2 or 3 threads. You'll see Istruggled with the same thing.
Once you're not focused like a laser on her, and once you're not reacting emotionally to what she says and does, and you can have light, fun conversation and some non- sexual touch affection without expectations, then by all means start sprinkling some of that in.
Do what works. Stop anything that doesn't.
Thanks man. Can you link those threads?
Well I'm definitely not hounding her or vying for any affection from her. I haven't reacted to anything she's said in the past week, cause she hasn't really said anything. Neither of us have. We're both communicating about pertinent things, but nothing meaningful. Which again, was her big reason for the bomb.
Again, I honestly think she is just building up the courage, and getting validation from others to proceed with the D. Not much I can do about that. When she complained about me being 'super nice' a few days after BD, I immediately stopped. But, even in those days, I wasn't hounding her or trying to have meaningful conversations. I was just being nice and accomodating. Maybe I should have kept that up, to show her it wasn't just an act, it was something I'm capable of changing?
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Hi T. I have been reading your sitch. There is no need to show her anything. You make your changes for yourself. So she might see those changes but it depens on her and her mind state. You can’t do nothing about that except keeping DB.
Take your time reading and posting T. Remember it’s a marathon. Use your time to move forward.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
It’s good T, it’s good for her. She has to figure out her feelings, it is always a good signal. But it’s up to her. You go on with detaching and GAL. You have your own travel to make.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Neffer: Ya, may be good or bad. She may still be on the fence, or may be looking for more validation to proceed with it. Guess it shouldn't matter to me.
She went to my sister in laws to hang out today. From everything I've heard, the sister in law is firmly in the 'save the marriage' corner. So again, not sure why W continues to want to talk to people who are 'against' what she's up to. But I know, it's none of my business anyway! lol
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Well good news everyone, I've decided that I will file on Monday.
I had plans tonight at 7pm. W took our son to sister in laws (about a 30 minute drive) at 3pm. Around 8:30 she started texting asking if I can come pick him up when I'm done with what i had going on because she's been drinking all day (like every day). So an hour later I drive the whole way out there. When I get there her and son are walking to a house party down the street (some guy we both sort of know). I take son home, she walks down to the party.
My son was bored out of his [censored] mind for hours while she sat there getting too drunk to drive. This was the 3rd Saturday in a row this happened.
I could care less if she bangs every dude in town, and drinks herself into mental health. But being mentally unfit to care for our son is a 100% deal breaker.
I know, I probably shouldn't have drove out to get him, but I'm not going have her drive him home after drinking all day, nor will I have him sit there any longer, bored to death.
She sent a text thanking me for getting him. I didn't reply. She'll probably sleep over at my brothers tonight. My next words to her will be 'congrats, you get what you want. I'm filing Monday morning'.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Don't make decisions out of anger. It sounds petty and passive aggressive to say the "congrats..." thing. I wouldn't do that. Sleep on things, think things through. I'm not saying you shouldn't file if that's really what you want to do, but don't be an a-hole about it. You can always withdraw the filing anyway. But if you do file, tell her with poise, tact and politesse.
She's obviously got some issues she's trying to work out. Yes, it's not cool that she did that around your son. But it doesn't mean that she is a horrible person.
You are angry, and you have every right to be, but don't let that anger control you. You may feel completely differently by tomorrow morning or Monday. Breathe.
M: 40 W: 37 T: 20 MR: 13 S13, S9, S4 BD: 1/29/18 Sep: 4/23/18 (I moved out) 8/24/18 I come home, she moves out
If you want to get out of the hole, drop the shovel.
Don't make decisions out of anger. It sounds petty and passive aggressive to say the "congrats..." thing. I wouldn't do that. Sleep on things, think things through. I'm not saying you shouldn't file if that's really what you want to do, but don't be an a-hole about it. You can always withdraw the filing anyway. But if you do file, tell her with poise, tact and politesse.
She's obviously got some issues she's trying to work out. Yes, it's not cool that she did that around your son. But it doesn't mean that she is a horrible person.
You are angry, and you have every right to be, but don't let that anger control you. You may feel completely differently by tomorrow morning or Monday. Breathe.
Thanks. You may be right. But I just can't tolerate that anymore. Like i said, yesterday wasn't an isolated incident.
i'm no psychiatrist, but I was always told that alcohol is a depressant, and if you're already depressed, drinking for 12 hours probably isn't wise. And forcing an 8 year old to sit there while you do it is the height of selfishness. On the other hand, at least she was smart enough to not get behind the wheel.
You know, people here talk about 'the fog' WAS's are in. It's hard to believe anyone can't see or doesn't care about the damage they're doing to themselves, their families, etc. Well, one important detail I purposefully left out of my threads pertaining to her. She has a Masters Degree in Family & Marriage Therapy. So for people wondering why their spouses can't see it, my spouse is a very highly respected professional in that very field, and she can't see it. Ugh
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
