I'll be reading the DR book tonight and over the weekend. Definitely need to re-read the detachment thread.
I'm just not comfortable yet with the notion that if I go dark she will "sniff around." Maybe going dark isn't the same as detaching. But it's almost like she has spent the last couple of months trying to get ME to be the one to D. Like she doesn't have the guts so she'll make me miserable until I do. Doesn't detaching just make her think it's going her way? "Great, he's getting it, I'm almost free!" Something like that.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
I'm also curious about MC. What is the purpose of attending right now? Is she committed to making this R work? Does she have remorse for the A? What are your objectives?
The MC was something she agreed to very early on, as a way of "trying to make it work." I spent most of the first few sessions trying to get her to say "I am committed to making this work" and got nothing. Thus far, 2 months into it, minimal remorse, no commitment. And one night with OM in the meantime.
My objective is to keep the peace. At times I feel like MC (who W really likes) is getting through to her and helping her feel "safe" with me so that the fog starts to lift. At the moment it's just something we're both doing, probably so that we each feel like we haven't given up? I have no idea.
Last night I was tempted to do a 180 and tell MC that I'm done.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
I'll be reading the DR book tonight and over the weekend. Definitely need to re-read the detachment thread.
I'm just not comfortable yet with the notion that if I go dark she will "sniff around." Maybe going dark isn't the same as detaching. But it's almost like she has spent the last couple of months trying to get ME to be the one to D. Like she doesn't have the guts so she'll make me miserable until I do. Doesn't detaching just make her think it's going her way? "Great, he's getting it, I'm almost free!" Something like that.
No it doesn't. And you are right, you need to read the detachment thread because it is nothing like what you describe here. detachment <> going dark And those new to DBing even get going dark wrong. So look up both things. Read the book. You are having he same struggle we all did at one time. "Because DBing feels like the wrong thing to do it must be." That thinking will kill you. As Amoafwl said, you've done all the pressure and pursuit.....where has that gotten you?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I'm struggling to understand what she'll see that she hasn't already seen.
I will guarantee you that she will NOT come back to be in the same marriage you had. And frankly, why would YOU want that? THAT marriage ended with her in the arms of another man! So why would things be different this time? What would be different about YOU?
Originally Posted by burned
I mean, if I start going skydiving, she's gonna call BS. I hate flying. I can lift weights, that'll put me back to where I was when she met me. But back then I was 20. I can reconnect with my hobbies, but I was spending all of my time on hobbies rather than spending time with her.
It all seems to want to backfire.
It would backfire, because it's centered around HER. GAL isnt for her....it's for YOU. The point isnt to 'go skydiving' because it's different from what you would want to do. The point is to prove to yourself that you dont NEED her. That you can live a happy and successful life with or without her. To regain that self-worth, self-esteem, self-respect...Maybe something like going skydiving would have positive impacts to YOU showing YOU that you can overcome your fears. I dont know.
The point is that you should take this time to sort out what you need from life....not figuring out how to be what you think she needs in life.
Hmmmmmmmmm................I GET YOU! Stop, look and read(listen) lol. Like me, when I was where you are now. I was looking for the right words to say. There isnt any right words. There is only the right actions. All I have read from you are actions to try and get your W back. Those actions WON'T work. I'm telling you this from experience. Last year I went skydiving for the first time. When I went I didn't tell my W where I was going. You know why, because I went for myself. My W didnt find out I went skydiving until we reconned. I start doing things to make me happy. Key word, "ME". I wasnt doing anything of the things I was doing to make my wife happy.
After, about 3 weeks of being on this forum, I had a wake up. Im spending all this time trying to make my W happy and I'm not happy. Why in the world would my W wont to come back and be in a relationship with me if I'm not happy. So I decided I needed to let go of the negativity and work on positivity. Did it happen over night, NO! I started smiling and laughing and being civil around my W and around every other person in my life. At first she thought I was being weird, she told me I was being weird, but her words didnt affect me, because I was working on me for me. I kept smiling and being positive. One thing about human nature, its hard to be negative with a person that is being psoitive and it's hard to be mean to a person that's smiling. I kept going. My changes were for me and not her. She slowly started letting down her guard. I took all the pressure off of her. I never brought up relationship, marriage or talked about love around her.
At first, I kept begging her to go to counseling and she kept saying, no. So I stopped.(all the begging and asking was before I start working on me). After about a month of her seeing my changes (I was consistent). See asked me to go counseling. I set up our first session. She back out that first session. I didnt get mad or upset. I validated and told her let me know whe she was ready. Right after I made that comment, she told me to reschedule. (It made no sense to me to go to counseling with her if she didnt want to go) MC is best when both participants wants to try, until then, IC is better suited IMO.
You are on a roller coaster. We know. You want your W and M back, we know! We also know, what doesnt work, because we have tried it. Please learn from our mistakes and take a different path, I didnt listen at first, to all the great advice I got around here, but once I did, my sitch and life started to turn around.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Thanks Joe. I'll just keep trying. I have two problems, though. First, S. She sees me once a week for about an hour and a half. Hard to show her much. Second, I kind of like who I am already. Not sure why she doesn't. There's room for improvement, sure, but I'm a decent guy. She even admits that. Just for some reason she doesn't want to be with me. Doesn't feel "safe."
Struggling today. Saw W last night for dinner and it went well until the very end. She said "This was a win, take it!" I got sad because seeing her for an hour to talk about BS over dinner just doesn't cut it for me. She saw me being sad and went straight to the "pressure" garbage. Sheesh, I can't be a robot, I'm human, I can't exactly hide how I feel. Then she asked me about my IC earlier that day, she is always curious about what I talk about in IC, and I took the bait. Next thing you know she's angry at me for being honest. Says I can't force her to feel safe around me.
This "safety" thing. Is it complete guano? Sounds to me like the perfect way to just kick the can down the road. "I don't feel safe with you." I'm sitting here smiling, telling you I'm here for you, offering to look after the dog for the weekend. But you don't feel safe?
Pretty close to giving up. She's got a wall up and she isn't going to let me through. I hate to imagine what her next excuse will be, once she feels "safe." There are a lot of words in the dictionary. She'll just patiently freeze me out.
I mean I seriously don't know what to change about myself except to just vanish.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
First, remember this is a marathon, not a sprint. These things do not happen over night. You are going to have to be patient if you want to avoid D. If you want to give up that is always in your power to do. There isn't a lot of things LBSs have control over, but they do control if and when they decide to give up and file themselves. And many of the vets here have done just that.
Second, I can already see one thing you can change. SHOWING your emotions. That is what detachment is about. So many get detachment wrong. It isn't going dark, ignoring, not being there. It is not reacting emotionally to what she says and does! You say you aren't a robot. That's right, no one is telling you to not feel how you feel, but what we are telling you is NOT show how you feel around her.
And this is where S helps you! If you read this forum you will see an interesting dynamic. The posters that aren't physically separated from their spouses complain that this is too difficult having to see and be around their WAS all the time. The ones that are S complain that they don't have with their WAS to show them the changes they've made. Those still living together think those that are separated have it easier and vice-versa.
The truth is they are both right. Their are aspects of DBing that are easier when you are still living under the same roof, and aspects that are easier when you are physically separated. The problem on both sides is that they are still too focused on their spouse! You will never be successful if your DBing efforts are for her! You have to do them for yourself.
Here is the most interesting thing. When the LBS here lets' go, starts DBing for themselves and doesn't care if their WAS notices, cares, or even wants to comeback, that when the WAS suddenly gets interested in what the LBS is doing. in what is different. In why he or she isn't reacting to me the way they used to. Whether that is in texts, in person, on the phone, through lawyers, etc. So focus on YOU, not her.
Another change you can make, and this IS part of detachment, is to stop reacting to her. Make it a goal to NOT argue. Read the validation thread. Learn how to validate her feelings. This will diffuse a lot of arguments. My guess is that you get defensive. She says: "I don't feel safe." Your response is: " I'm sitting here smiling, telling you I'm here for you, offering to look after the dog for the weekend. But you don't feel safe?" Maybe not verbally, but in face expressions and body language. STOP. Just say, something like "I understand why you might feel that way". Validate her feeling! You may not agree with her feeling but it is HER feeling.
burned, there is a lot of hope in your sitch. It may not feel that way to you but there are a lot of folks on this board that wish the dynamics of their sitch were more like yours. You have so swallow your pride, let go of you ego, and start doing what works. The people on this board that have struggled the most with DBing are the ones that get an attitude because of their pride and ego. "I am NOT going to let that go unchallenged!" "It isn't in my nature to allow her to say or do that!" "I have always had balls, spoke my mind and I am not about to change that now!" Those are the people that are assuring their D. If you want to avoid D then you realize that ego will kill you. This doesn't mean you become a doormat, but it means that you control yourself. A lack of self-control will thwart your DBing efforts every time,
It is like sandi's last rule says, DO not slip back and undo weeks and months of progress. We see that happen on this board all the time.Patience. Consistency. Time. You have to let the process work. Impatience and inconsistency will lead you in the opposite direction every time.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
