This is reassuring, because I don't feel it. I hope it's true. I also like what you said before about how she's probably thinking about me, even if she won't admit it. I know I'm supposed to DB for ME, but I'm new at it and it stings. When I think back on all the things I did wrong, I can see such a clear pattern. It's sad. Bad, to worse, to almost over.
Steve, can you link to your story? I'd like to read about how things went (or are going) for you.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
So I've been slacking at work and reading. It was incredibly painful seeing W last night. If I even blink too fast she can sense pursuit/pressure. She even said that my responses to her texts are too pushy. On the other hand, at the end when I go for a hug, she hugs and I get a little kiss, too. Reluctant? Probably. But it keeps me going. And there's the problem.
So I am going dark-er. We are separated anyway. This is what SHE asked for. I've spent a month and a half already TRYING to give her the physical and emotional space she wants, and mostly failing. Maybe absence makes the heart grow fonder, but I'm going to need to be way more absent. I think Amoafwl's advice is starting to sink in.
So I up my game. No contact unless she initiates. Extremely brief responses to her contacts. Won't even try to hug her. I swear, if the next time we get together and I hop in my car without hugging her goodbye, her head will spin.
But it's not about her head spinning. It's about protecting myself from that searing pain I always feel when I get home from a date, and pretty much the rest of the night, until I wake up feeling angry that I'm not making enough progress.
So this time it's for me.
Tomorrow W drops off the dog before leaving on a business trip for the weekend. "Have fun, see you at MC next week, bye!" Then she can spend the next 8 hours in the car wondering why I didn't do my usual "please let me hug you" baloney. She never liked how I handled the dog, always lying around the house rather than playing with her. Just wait until W sees pictures of all the fun I'll be having, outside of the house, with that dog.
MC on Wednesday, get-together with friends on Friday, so I will have some opportunities to see the results, if any. Doubtful. This one's very stubborn.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
What worries me is that after a few days of warm texts, she also went dark on me earlier this week. Coupled with the fact that she was planning on being out of town...
OM is back? I have no way of knowing.
This is my life now. I am a doormat.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
So I've been slacking at work and reading. It was incredibly painful seeing W last night. If I even blink too fast she can sense pursuit/pressure. She even said that my responses to her texts are too pushy. On the other hand, at the end when I go for a hug, she hugs and I get a little kiss, too. Reluctant? Probably. But it keeps me going. And there's the problem.
So I am going dark-er. We are separated anyway. This is what SHE asked for. I've spent a month and a half already TRYING to give her the physical and emotional space she wants, and mostly failing. Maybe absence makes the heart grow fonder, but I'm going to need to be way more absent. I think Amoafwl's advice is starting to sink in.
So I up my game. No contact unless she initiates. Extremely brief responses to her contacts. Won't even try to hug her. I swear, if the next time we get together and I hop in my car without hugging her goodbye, her head will spin.
But it's not about her head spinning. It's about protecting myself from that searing pain I always feel when I get home from a date, and pretty much the rest of the night, until I wake up feeling angry that I'm not making enough progress.
So this time it's for me.
So, the part I bolded above is good.
But then you blow it with the parts I bolded below.
Originally Posted by burned
Tomorrow W drops off the dog before leaving on a business trip for the weekend. "Have fun, see you at MC next week, bye!" Then she can spend the next 8 hours in the car wondering why I didn't do my usual "please let me hug you" baloney. She never liked how I handled the dog, always lying around the house rather than playing with her. Just wait until W sees pictures of all the fun I'll be having, outside of the house, with that dog.
MC on Wednesday, get-together with friends on Friday, so I will have some opportunities to see the results, if any. Doubtful. This one's very stubborn.
This process right now is about you becoming a better person and a better partner. Because you want to be that person. You are entirely too caught up in what your wife thinks or feels.
And you are setting yourself up for failure if you assume that you will see results this week in the form of a permanent change in your wife's attitude toward you.
Your goal should be consistent changes in yourself over time.
It will take your wife time to believe that your changes will stick. Just because she doesn't react positively doesn't mean it's not a good change.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
W came over to drop off the dog. I was nothing but positive and polite. Asked to stay for coffee. Coffee chats were one of the few things she enjoyed before S. I asked if she wanted to continue MC, in case she felt that it was pursuit. She said yes, of course, it's the most helpful thing right now. Don't you? I said yes. We were holding hands at the time, which she is OK with. She turns over my hand to see if I'm still wearing my ring! Very unusual for her to be curious/concerned about something like that.
I told her about a birthday party my friends are planning for me on Friday. She said, oh, isn't that when we were supposed to get together? I said, yeah, well, that's when they are available, so there you go. Detached. She says, oh, ok. Well...then can I go too? Holy cow. These are our closest friends, whom she has consistently pushed away since BD when I ran to them for support and threw her under the bus. I said I'll ask if she can go. I can't emphasize how much of a change this represents.
Dropping off the dog at the house before she gets back. She said, I hope you don't go through my stuff. I said, nope, not interested, I'll spend as little time at the house as possible because it hurts me to be there. She says OK, because I'm not hiding anything but it's about space and boundaries and safety. I know, don't believe anything she says. But I was reading her body language too, and my impression is that she hasn't ruled out the possibility of restoring trust at some point down the line.
DB'ing for a week and here we are. What is this voodoo?
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Wishful thinking maybe. The good feelings wore off over the course of the day.
Sent photos of the dog, which she liked. Proof that I was actually interacting w/ dog. Also the dog hadn't had a bath in a while so I did that. W will find a clean, happy dog upon her return.
On that note, dropping off the dog at the house, found that W has removed pretty much every trace of my ever having lived there. Now feeling very sad. Not sure how to handle this, but at least I am able to resist the temptation to interrogate her about it. Also not sure what it means, in light of the improvement I noted on Saturday morning.
No clue, but struggling. Some moments I think she misses me and won't say it. Other moments it feels like she's just trying to erase me completely.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
It means that you don't live there anymore. When my W and I were dating, she didn't have any traces of me in her apartment. It wasn't until we got married and bought a house that pictures of us went on the walls, etc.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
