So, last night, and the last couple of days, really, things have been civil, but succinct. It's been very businesslike.
Without pursuing your spouse, how did some of you move past this? I don't want to strike up conversation (that's pursuing), but I don't know that she's going to move past this point. It may just take time, I suppose, but it feels a little like she's digging her heals in.
She might. She might not. But the only way to move past it positively is for you to wait for her to move past it.
Are you familiar with the lighthouse analogy? You are the lighthouse. The lighthouse doesn't move. It stands in one place, shining it's light in all directions. Sometimes she sees it sometimes she doesn't. But sometime when she gets a glimpse of the light as it passes by, she'll wonder what is going on at the lighthouse. Eventually that wonder will get the best of her and she'll come to observe. Then on one of her trips to observe the notion may strike her to go into the lighthouse. And then it might lead her to actually going into the lighthouse at some point.
Baby steps. Over time. Requires patience. Be the patient lighthouse.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Forget for a moment how she sees you. How do you see yourself? Do you believe that you can't support yourself emotionally or financially? Is she right about that? Those would be my chief areas of inquiry right now. Keep the focus only on what you can control. You can get a (better) job -- employers are having a hard time even finding people right now, so there's demand out there. You can go to IC. You can continue to meditate, exercise and GAL. Speaking as someone who lived a lot of what you're living right now, you've got to flip the dynamic and quit focusing on her, her reaction to what you do, and how "things are going" with your relationship. Realize they are going very badly and let it go. She is hyper aware right now, constantly looking at you and your behavior for validation that you aren't your own man and are completely dependent on her. You will put of tells if you don't get your focus back on what you can control even when you think you're not. This is what makes in-home separation so hard -- you can't get much physical space, and she is seeing what she wants to see in you now. She is done with your marriage and, in her eyes, is just trying to soften your landing and ease her own guilt feelings at this point. See her for what she is -- a woman whose broken her vows in a myriad of ways who you wouldn't even want back right now unless she also changes and commits anew to your marriage -- and just focus on getting your own house in order. That's really all you can do. I can promise you that if you keep your focus on your R and her, your marriage will end. It probably will anyway, I hate to tell you. But realize you'll be fine eventually if you rebuild yourself; happier, indeed, than you've been in years and happier than you thought possible. And, if that's the case (and it is), why not start that process now? Seriously -- get going.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
I confronted her about the possibility of there being an OM. I told her all of the things I saw, and just asked if there was.
She told you that you repulse her, that she is done with you and wants out of the M, there's really nothing to gain about confronting her about an OM.
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She then went on to say that she felt disgusted by me, particularly that I smelled a pair of her panties while doing laundry and smelled sex on them. I had explained to her that it was mere coincidence, as I was bent over her hamper, and they passed right in front of my face.
That's a pretty serious violation of her privacy, and I highly doubt it was an accident. Her attitude right now is you're no longer married except on paper, so she feels it's her right to have an affair and that if she does it's none of your business. I'm not saying she's right (in fact it's wrong, she's clearly violating vows she made) but that's how she sees it. That's how WAS's think.
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She says she still feels like I'd either fall apart, commit suicide, or just make her life a living hell if she left, and she feels like that's the only thing keeping her from just going.
She clearly sees you as desperate and needy and that is completely unattractive. You've got to turn that around, but it's going to take a long time.
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I went and saw my doctor this morning. I got on some medication for anxiety/depression.
Good. Keep in mind it takes a while for A/D's to reach efficacy in your body, so be patient. You should feel better in about a week but it can take up to a month for the effects to reach full efficacy.
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What I know:
That is typical WAS behavior. It doesn't mean anything. You may recon or you may not, but none of that is any indication of which way you'll go.
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Goals: - Have her initiate conversation (non MR related) beyond just businesslike "good morning", "have a good day", etc.
- Have her invite me to do something (with our S, friends, or individually). This can be casual, like watch a show.
- Make her smile (joke, action, etc.) without pursuing her, kind of an in the moment thing during a discussion (with her or others while she's present).
-Touch each other (non-sexually) without her recoiling (hand at small of back while passing, touching a shoulder, etc.).
I agree with Davide, your "goals" (they're not really, they are excuses to pursue) are all W-focused and they all involve pursuit and pursuit is BAD. Your goals need to be things YOU have control over, and measurable. For example, if you need to lose weight then "lose weight" isn't a good goal but "lose 10 pounds" is. Set fitness goals, employment goals, appearance/clothing goals, friendship goals. Join meetup and get out there and meet new people, meeting 10 new people in the next month would be a fantastic goal. Reach out to old friends you haven't talked to in a while. Get together with family if you haven't in a while. Do some traveling. Start new hobbies. Dust off old ones. Get out. GAL.
As far as the goals, I was just going off of what I understood MWD to be explaining in DR under the "Know What You Want" chapter. The way she explains it, you're coming up with goals that are milestone markers of baby steps that your MR is headed in the right direction. That's what I meant by goals. Is this not something I should be looking for?
My plan I listed out is exactly what you're all telling me to do, at least I think so. If you have improvements to suggest, I'd love that... I need all the help I help I can get right now.
AS, I did want to respond to the panties thing. It really was coincidence. We have a front loading washer that sits about 2 feet off the floor. I was in front of it, emptying her hamper into it. I had to reach down into the bottom to get what was there out, and was just tossing things in the washer while I was bent over. As I pulled this pair out and was tossing them in, the smell was extremely strong, even though they were a foot from my face. I wasn't trying to violate her privacy, and never have wanted to do so our entire MR. I especially wouldn't want to during all this because I know the consequences of what would happen if I did. I totally understand what you're saying about how she's feeling, though, and I thank you for the 2x4 of perspective.
Well, just got informed she's going to look at apartments this weekend, and that she's appreciated the space this week. She also wants to sit and discuss "the plan" as soon as we're ready, but knows that things are still raw.
Spoke with W this morning. She said that her plan is to move close to her job (65+ miles away), and that the apartment hunting this weekend is to get a lay of the land, find out about costs, etc., though she's considering instead of a trip we had planned the week of September 26th to go see her brother in California, she may possibly cancel it and take that time to move. The sad part is, the 26th is my birthday.
Guys, I'm feeling pretty low right now. I'm scared, I'm hurt, and I'm so lonely.
Well, just got informed she's going to look at apartments this weekend, and that she's appreciated the space this week. She also wants to sit and discuss "the plan" as soon as we're ready, but knows that things are still raw.
FML.
Stop reacting to her words. This could be her blowing smoke. WASs are on their own roller-coaster. I just told another poster, they vacillate between weeks of inaction, and then sudden manic periods of "we have to get this done!"
When she say something assume that it is a lie until you see action suggesting otherwise. Trust me, she can read you like a book. If she says "I am going to look at apartments this weekend" and your attitude (not just your words) is "meh, I don't give to spits", the wind comes out of her sails. If she says "he also wants to sit and discuss "the plan" as soon as we're ready, but knows that things are still raw." just say (AND MEAN), "I am good whenever you are." Again, your 180 on this (instead of being sad, mopey, and acting as if it is still RAW) will likely take the wind out of her sails. Don't try to move it forward, but just tell her you are ready whenever. This puts the ball in her court. Don't make a suggestion "how about this Thursday?" That is what she is hoping you'll do. Just being all "cool, whenever" likely she'll never follow through on it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Spoke with W this morning. She said that her plan is to move close to her job (65+ miles away), and that the apartment hunting this weekend is to get a lay of the land, find out about costs, etc., though she's considering instead of a trip we had planned the week of September 26th to go see her brother in California, she may possibly cancel it and take that time to move. The sad part is, the 26th is my birthday.
Guys, I'm feeling pretty low right now. I'm scared, I'm hurt, and I'm so lonely.
Words.....that all she's done is talk. Wait until you see actual action. Do not help. Just listen and validate.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I am not proud of it.