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This is not a bad thing. It let's her miss you. Could you detach properly if you woke up in your new place and there were pictures of the two of you everywhere?

LBSs are some of the most sensitive people in the world. I was there. Scrutinizing every action and word. Worse, scrutinizing the absence of actions and words. Just take a step back, breathe, and don't read into anything. No expectations. Detach and GAL. Keep the 180s you've instituted. Be the best burned you can be. Do this when she sees you and do it when she doesn't. You have to understand that if you only detach and GAL and 180 for her benefit it will not work. WASs have a sixth sense about being manipulated. Make these changes FOR REAL, FOR YOU. She will either embrace them or reject them, you cannot control that.


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I mean, she did say the other day that HER detachment has helped her feel better about herself without me. Which, I'm told, is part of the process, for her to be able to stand on her own so that she doesn't fear returning to a suffocating M in which we feel dependent on each other.

So at what point does she start missing me? I know, that means I'm focusing on the wrong thing. But it's hard to sustain my efforts to detach/180/GAL when I feel so discouraged.

Edit: saw Steve's reply AFTER I wrote this, so... smile

Last edited by burned; 08/13/18 01:10 PM. Reason: added more

H: 35 W: 33
M: 11 T: 13

4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1")
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8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
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Originally Posted by Steve85
Could you detach properly if you woke up in your new place and there were pictures of the two of you everywhere?


Good point! As a matter of fact, I've taken just about everything that reminds me of her and stashed it in a drawer. Her walk-through of my apartment on Saturday did not reveal a single indicator that I was obsessing about her, which I wasn't anyway.

Was that right before she checked for my ring? Hmm...

Also interesting was that there were SOME things still hanging around. And all of the photos and other things that were taken down were stacked in little piles here and there. Like, not buried. Just resting.

Last edited by burned; 08/13/18 01:18 PM. Reason: added more

H: 35 W: 33
M: 11 T: 13

4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1")
6/23/18: I moved out
8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
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I've mentioned my EX-GF Kayla a lot on here. She was a girl I dated, and fell hard for. We broke up. We reconnected after she was in a relationship with someone else, as friends.

I was her Plan B. Her BF was a loser and an abusive jerk. When she felt I was pulling away, she'd do something to reel me back in.

The problem was that she found another Plan A before she reverted to Plan B. When I realized that I was always going to be Plan B, I started to detach. The best way I knew to do that was to remove all vestiges of her. One of my favorite pictures of myself (I was a long-haired rocker!) had her the periphery. I actually resorted to cutting her out of that photo.

burned yes yoj already know that you are too focused on her. You will never properly detach that way. Move the focus off of her and squarely onto yourself.


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Originally Posted by burned
Sent photos of the dog, which she liked. Proof that I was actually interacting w/ dog.

This feels like pursuit. As I mentioned before...why not just return the dog clean, happy and tired? Why are you trying to 'prove' something to her? While she may have liked the pictures, it feels like the opposite of 'going dark' as we talked about. Its putting your changes front and center into her view, and it wont come across as genuine.

Originally Posted by burned
On that note, dropping off the dog at the house, found that W has removed pretty much every trace of my ever having lived there. Now feeling very sad. Not sure how to handle this, but at least I am able to resist the temptation to interrogate her about it. Also not sure what it means, in light of the improvement I noted on Saturday

Who knows what it means. It could be that she doesnt want to see your face and happy times because it makes her sad. Or it means she isnt interested in you. Or it means she doesnt like having pictures hanging. There are so many interpretations and no way to know which is correct. I wouldnt put in any effort trying to figure out it out because it doesnt matter.

Originally Posted by burned
No clue, but struggling. Some moments I think she misses me and won't say it. Other moments it feels like she's just trying to erase me completely.

So youre saying that you are struggling because you are wrapped up in what she is thinking/feeling. Maybe it's time to pay more attention and put more focus onto what YOU are thinking/feeling/doing/etc....

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Originally Posted by Amoafwl
Maybe it's time to pay more attention and put more focus onto what YOU are thinking/feeling/doing/etc....


You are very patient with me, just calmly repeating. I really do appreciate it even if it's taking me time to get with it. smile


H: 35 W: 33
M: 11 T: 13

4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1")
6/23/18: I moved out
8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
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Originally Posted by burned
Originally Posted by Amoafwl
Maybe it's time to pay more attention and put more focus onto what YOU are thinking/feeling/doing/etc....


You are very patient with me, just calmly repeating. I really do appreciate it even if it's taking me time to get with it. smile


We've all been there.


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Originally Posted by burned
Originally Posted by Amoafwl
Maybe it's time to pay more attention and put more focus onto what YOU are thinking/feeling/doing/etc....


You are very patient with me, just calmly repeating. I really do appreciate it even if it's taking me time to get with it. smile

Eventually you will realize that focusing on her only hurts you. It's like touching a stove. I can tell you it's hot, but you may need to hurt yourself a few times to really start to have that message sink in smile

But you can see in the above example. You are feeling bad because you are trying to gauge where SHE is in this process. You are giving HER the power to control your emotions. Detachment is about regaining that control for yourself. Why should YOU feel bad because of how SHE is or is not feeling or what she is or isnt doing?

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Originally Posted by Amoafwl
Why should YOU feel bad because of how SHE is or is not feeling or what she is or isn't doing?


She's my W and I love her. But yeah, I get what you mean. And like you keep saying, our "last M" ended with her in the arms of a man whose existence on this planet is unwarranted.


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Burned, your W told you it's taken her 2 years to get to this point, right? Please understand what you're up against. She's lost all love and respect for you, and she lost it a long time ago. You're not going to get it back in a week or month. It's going to take a year or more. Settle in, we don't call this a marathon for nothing.

Your behavior right now is NOT detachment. It's "pretend" detachment. You are doing everything as tricks to get her back, and as such, it is all pursuit. That's OK, we were all there. But it is NOT going to bring her back. She will not be interested in recon until you well and truly do detach. That means no hand-holding, no texting pics of the dog, no constantly doing her favors. Like Steve said, you're Plan B. You'll never be A again unless you quit being B.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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