Incoming II (Or how I'm getting myself back)

[ovrrnbw]

C'est la vie! The negatives seem to outweigh the positives bc one happened much more quickly than the other.

Positive progress will come slowly.

In time, the constant thoughts of her may pass. Keep working.

[Phoenix9]

I think the pain decreases when you give up hope. Thats when it gets easier.
I think giving up hope for reconciliation is necessary for detachment.

I think it takes time to get to that state. In the beginning those of us with hearts are really just acting as if, because this is loss. You have to grieve. Its part of the process.

Difficult afternoon, especially after reading the difficult posting about letting go of hope.



Hope is why I came here. But the reason why I need to do this is because I need to work on ME first. Right? Is hope hurting me more than helping?

Also, got a potential test from her. She sent me a message about a tattoo idea of me and D4 surrounded by the state of WA. I live in the state and a lot of R still happened there.

Not answering.

Going to have a good cry now.

[Phoenix9]

Back. Few tears but no gasping and crying. Very sad though. I hate Fridays and Saturdays. I know she's with OM and it's wrenching me apart.

That's the whole reason why I'm so torn. I can't believe at how these seven months progressed and I'm afraid of what the future might bring.

I'm going to need more help. This pain is becoming too much. But I don't know what to do...

This has been one of the worst days of this entire ordeal. I have never felt so hopeless.

P.S. Need advice. W asking me to drive W's mom back into the city tomorrow. All three of us. I want to go, but I don't want to if all she is going to do is text OM off and on during the drive in and out of the city. Family time be damned. I don't want to go if she doesn't stop texting OM. But how could i tell her? She'll just tell me to F off and all of the goodwill built up the last two weeks will have gone to crap again.

[bhappy2]

Difficult afternoon, especially after reading the difficult posting about letting go of hope.
Hope is why I came here. But the reason why I need to do this is because I need to work on ME first. Right? Is hope hurting me more than helping?

No, hope is not hurting you at all, you need that hope in order to work on yourself. Saving your marraige would only be a bonus right now. Sorry you are going through this but it does get easier as time goes on.

Also, got a potential test from her. She sent me a message about a tattoo idea of me and D4 surrounded by the state of WA. I live in the state and a lot of R still happened there.

Is the tattoo for her or you... Prob best to not get a tattoo right now, give yourself time to see things more clearly.

Going to have a good cry now.

If this is what you need to do then do it, but do not sit there all night thinking your sorrow will change the way she feels. It will not help at all, so cry it out... then get busy living. What GAL activities do you have planned for tomorrow? You came here for advice, you were told it would be hard work. Are you doing the work? If so, how... tell us...

[Phoenix9]

Hey there,

Not crying in front of her anymore. It’s been two months. I cry in secret. Hence the reason she feels she can let a little loose.

Tattoo suggestion was of just my D4 and I. No mention of W. Didn’t respond, no plans at this time.

Housework likely for GAL. Driving W’s mom back to the city as well. Will push to do it solo.

This is hard work, I’ll admit. But feelings are non different now then what they were 7 months ago.

Giving her lots of space is what I’ve been doing. But God, do I miss her.

[JujuB]

Feelings are temporary. 7 months is not a long time. It is painful!!! Watching your spouse engage in a relationship with someone else is just so so so painful. But you cant control her behavior. All you can control is yourself and your actions and reaponses when someone is not treating you right.

Who do you want to be? What type of person would you respect if you were watching this scenario played out on TV?

If your best friend or grown up child had a spouse doing this to them, what would your advise be to them?

I do not think you should drive her mother. Maybe offer to watch child instead so child does not have to go on a long car ride. Right now put yourself and your child first. If being in a car with her while she texts OM makes YOU uncomfortable, then do not put yourself in that position. Be kind to yourself. No one deserves that type of treatment. It is cruel as i said before. And you do have control in what you accept for yourself. No one is going to respect you, unless you respect yourself first. Love yourself and be good to yourself. Do what makes you feel proud and good. Put yourself in the scenarios that you would want for your child or beat friend.

You have more control then you realize right now and yiu are doing great.

[Phoenix9]

Feelings are temporary. 7 months is not a long time. It is painful!!! Watching your spouse engage in a relationship with someone else is just so so so painful. But you cant control her behavior. All you can control is yourself and your actions and reaponses when someone is not treating you right.

Who do you want to be? What type of person would you respect if you were watching this scenario played out on TV?

If your best friend or grown up child had a spouse doing this to them, what would your advise be to them?

I do not think you should drive her mother. Maybe offer to watch child instead so child does not have to go on a long car ride. Right now put yourself and your child first. If being in a car with her while she texts OM makes YOU uncomfortable, then do not put yourself in that position. Be kind to yourself. No one deserves that type of treatment. It is cruel as i said before. And you do have control in what you accept for yourself. No one is going to respect you, unless you respect yourself first. Love yourself and be good to yourself. Do what makes you feel proud and good. Put yourself in the scenarios that you would want for your child or beat friend.

You have more control then you realize right now and yiu are doing great.

Thank you very much. Hearing some reassurance from those who have been on this journey before is really helping.

That's a complex question, JujuB, If you were to ask me this last year, I'd have said "I'd leave her and move on!". Same thing with the best friend. However, I'm understanding the part of "But I love him/her!" and it's not a crazy as it sounds (though if they stay despite being abused, I'd have pushed more towards getting out).

I'm seeing that W is going to a MLC that led her being a WAW (words of wisdom from V, I hope she is doing ok.) and her actions show a considerable shift in her identity. The shift is triggering a lot of growth in her. She is doing things that I never thought possible. She is driving herself everywhere, she is experiencing a lot of music events, and...she is doing this A thing with him. So I'm proud of her for making those changes, but obviously my heart breaks at the A part. She is also struggling to maintain control of the constant parts of her life. Like her jobs (losing control), like her parenting (she parents but is getting to the point where she is starting to make me feel guilty for being out of the house three days per week), and with this place being the catalyst, she is going to struggle to control me. The struggle is already happening and it's going to ramp up in intensity.

I will make that plan this afternoon. I have plans to get ready for the week and planning on finally joining a gym.

Lost another two pounds.

Rafting was fun yesterday. I'm going to have to do it again.

Onward.

[JujuB]

I dont believe in MLC. i dont think its truly recognized as an actual disorder. I think its just a term we give when we cant understand why people are behaving irresponsibly or selfishly. Be careful not to project your beliefs onto hers.

People used to always talk about the fog of the wayward. (If your wife was having an affair and gaslighting snd lying shes a wayward Spouses that left cause they were being abused or were cheated on are referred to as walkaways)

I dont think the wayward is in a fog. I think they are doing what they want to do. They are putting their happiness ahead of their committment and kids. I think the LBS is usually the one in the fog. Usually when the spouse is having an affair, they need to gaslight. And deceive in order to justify their actions to everyone. This puts the LBS in a huge state of disorientation and fog. They blame themselves for all the imperfections, that are pretty universal in marriage... gaining weight, not being appreciatice, not doing their share of the house work, loss of intimacy. LBS blame themselves a lot..

Once the fog is lifted, theybrealize their spouse was just as flawed. But the difference is one was committed and the other was not.

Its really the dedication to committment and loyalty hat makes a marriage work.

Thats my thought anyway.

[Phoenix9]

I’m still reading the DB/DR books but I need to ask...

What is the definition of a WW? V categorized W as a WAW, which made more sense considering her actions leading up to and the S.

W is staying home. I’m waking D4 and W’s mom to the city and going grocery shopping. I’m planning on dragging it out so my contact with W is minimal.

[bhappy2]

Not crying in front of her anymore. It’s been two months. I cry in secret. Hence the reason she feels she can let a little loose.

I hope you are not crying everyday, if you have not gone to see an IC I suggest you do so asap. The IC will guide you through the healing process.

Tattoo suggestion was of just my D4 and I. No mention of W. Didn’t respond, no plans at this time.

Yes, no tattoo's during this emotional time in your life, you need time to see things more clearly.

Housework likely for GAL. Driving W’s mom back to the city as well. Will push to do it solo.

Housework is not GAL, after the housework you need to get out of the house, go to a book store buy a coffee and sit down and read. Go excercise, run, walk, weights...etc.

This is hard work, I’ll admit. But feelings are non different now then what they were 7 months ago.

This sitch is still very new, sometmes it takes years for the WAW to come back if they do... you are now preparing for life without her, its all up to you. My suggestion is to make yourself the person only a fool would leave.

Giving her lots of space is what I’ve been doing. But God, do I miss her.

This is normal, try not to let her know how much you miss her, that would be pressure and pursuit... let go in order to get her back...