This is going to sound callous, but I’m not going to wait years. I deserve to be happy and deserve to fall in love. I have needs that need met and I don’t want I have to resort to prostitution to get it.
I have a time set. If the deadline passes, I am moving on. I’m not letting my indecisive W hold my love hostage.
Had a conversation with a stranger about my situation.
She said “Get rid of her and move on.”
Wonderful.
Someone please talk me out of saying something stupid. Please. I have been triggered by someone and it’s ramping up my anxiety to the point where I am going to say and act on instinct. Someone please calm me down. Please.
Talk you out of saying something stupid? Are you a goat or are you a man? Will you decide how to act for yourself? Can you think?
Some random stranger gives you advice and you're ready to do what? Put that ultimatum on your W? Good gracious...
You can set an ultimatum but maybe take some time and think it through. You've been DB'ing 2 weeks now? Give it some time.
Thank you for that splash of cold water/slap to the face. Really. I’m not giving out any ultimatums. I’m just trying to hange myself from acting on instinct. Saying and acting on instinct made things worse. I knew that if I made this ultimatum it would not go over well. Thank you for stopping me from doing something stupid.
P.S. what is a goat as far as my attitude (freak out) is concerned?
I didn't understand the goat analagy either. Are you saying if someone gets pissed enough cause their wife is sleeping with another man to have a natural reaction or to end things, that they are as simple minded as a goat?
There is no nobility or deepness to waiting for a cheating wife to stop cheating.
Pain. What are your boundaries for a marriage? You get to choose when this ends. If you need a time line so be it. You do not in any way sound callous for choosing not to wait for a woman that is disrespecting you.
Thats my thoughts anyhow. Once someone sleeps with another person outside of the marriage, there is no more marriage. You have to move on.
Piecing will only work if she desperatly wants it, and you are neutral. You guys are no where near that right now.
I agree with Juju in terms of not personally needing any timeline before ending a marriage over adultery. That said, I wouldn't issue an ultimatum until I was prepared to follow through. I wouldn't be waiting to see if she came around, I'd be waiting to get prepared legally and emotionally to walk out the door.
In fact, I wouldn't even give an ultimatum. No starting an R talk and stammer out an emotionally charged ultimatum that screams "please pick to keep the marriage, I need you!" I'd just walk out the door. If she chased after me and begged me to stay then I'd do some soul searching to see if it made sense to hear her out. If she didn't I wouldn't look back.
Always remember actions speak louder than words, and any R talks are telling her you're ok with this. I wrote a post on this once that got stickied somewhere. In the end though you can't expect her to let go of OM if you aren't able to let go of her. You can't control if she will ever do her part of that. All you can control is your part: Letting her go.
Last edited by Zues126; 08/13/1802:13 AM.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
And yes, this is different than what I was told a few years ago on these forums. In MWD's material she is surprisingly sparse on handling an ongoing affair. From what I've seen in my years on this forum I would be much firmer than I originally thought was appropriate. And while it is my sincere wish that somehow she repents, grows, atones, and you are able to salvage your M, that isn't always possible or even likely. All the more reason you HAVE to take care of yourself and let her go. In today's world all she has to do is tell her friends you were emotionally abusive and she was dying inside or something and she goes from being someone that destroys a marriage to a victim bravely fighting for survival that should be celebrated for the strength she is demonstrating. The entire world will validate her and make her feel important, liking every facebook post and cheering her courage while awarding her a medal of honor for bearing the hardships of single motherhood, all while having a string of new mystery men promising her endorphin rushes. Hard to come back from that. It stinks but there it is.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
In today's world all she has to do is tell her friends you were emotionally abusive and she was dying inside or something and she goes from being someone that destroys a marriage to a victim bravely fighting for survival that should be celebrated for the strength she is demonstrating. The entire world will validate her and make her feel important, liking every facebook post and cheering her courage while awarding her a medal of honor for bearing the hardships of single motherhood, all while having a string of new mystery men promising her endorphin rushes. Hard to come back from that. It stinks but there it is.
Bingo! This is a perfect summary of where my marriage stands at the moment, and the source of my anger about my sitch. I have also been frustrated by very few guidelines for those who want to save a marriage even if unfaithful spouse is engaged in exit affair. MWD's advice seems to be to just keep quiet about it and wait for it to end. That's what I tried for about a month and then couldn't take it any more and decided to stand up for myself. W and I are more distant than ever now. Wish there were more resources for how to handle a spouse having an exit affair. Popular opinion here seems to be to just detach and not allow any cake-eating.
Me:30 W:31 S:4 M:7 T:12 PA: 5/6/18 - ? W moved out 7/18
