ambivalent WW - detach?

[SteveLW]

So I stop the pursuit. I start becoming someone I didn't used to be. She starts becoming someone I no longer recognize. Then why would there even need to be reconciliation? We'd be off on our own separate ways. I don't see how this ends well.

Do I cancel MC?

lots say don't bother with MC. I say give it try. If she is close enough to Ring, then that might be the catalyst that pushes over the line.

Or she is just doing it to say you tried. It can be difficult to tell.

[AnotherStander]

So I stop the pursuit. I start becoming someone I didn't used to be. She starts becoming someone I no longer recognize. Then why would there even need to be reconciliation? We'd be off on our own separate ways. I don't see how this ends well.

Are you always like this? By that I mean no matter what someone says to you, you try to pick it apart and call it worthless and bogus and not applicable to you? Because this may very well be a reason you find yourself here. If you are a consistently negative person who listens to respond rather than listening to HEAR and LEARN then that is something you really need to work on, because you are sabotaging yourself. But to answer your question, you are working towards being strong, independent, healthy, attractive, self-sufficient. Be more alpha and less beta. Then STAY that way whether you reconcile or not, because you have been far too codependent on your W. If you can successfully do that then your W may very well be attracted back to you and even want to recon. And even if she doesn't you'll be so busy being awesome that you won't care. THAT is how it ends well.

Do I cancel MC? And even if I don't, what the hell do we talk about there?

No as long as your W is willing then it's OK to keep going. Just don't expect it to change anything. Have zero expectations. As far as what you talk about, that's what the C is for. They will walk you through that.

[burned]

Yeah, I was iffy about it until Saturday when I asked her if she wanted to keep doing it. I said I don't want it to feel like pressure to her. My impression was that she genuinely believes that it is helping but isn't ready to jump in head first. If anything, it's keeping us connected. The hard-liners are probably against this, and I don't want to imply that they're wrong, but I'm trying to explore the subtleties of my own situation.

I do think that we are making progress toward Ring. I agree that it might be the catalyst. She always feels better after airing some of her grievances during MC. It gives me an opportunity to practice my new validation skills. And she usually "feels" better afterward. At this point, she likes the MC and she has never missed a session, so I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt and say that if it's all for show, she's putting on a really good show.

Today she thanked me profusely for taking care of the dog and cleaning her before dropping her off. I said the house looks nice (that's all I said about the house). Then I said, bye, see you on Wednesday (for MC).

I'm trying as hard as I can not to let me hopes get in the way of clear-headed thinking. But the DR book says to look for signs that something is working, and I saw signs. In the grand scheme of things, I'm not trying to get someone who already lives with her new boyfriend to come back and talk to me. My sitch is less extreme. But I know it reflects my own neediness when I say that all I really want at this point is to be home with her. We can work out the details later.

Or I'm delusional.

[SteveLW]

Not delusional, as long as you don't get your expectations up, as AS said. Continue doing what works, stop doing what doesn't.

[burned]

AS, I hear you loud and clear. It's a good description of me (somewhat pessimistic, listening to respond rather than hearing and learning). This weekend I read NMMNG and "I Hear You," a book about validation. Gonna try out some of these new skills.

[burned]

Re-reading this entire thread. People want what they can't have. Right now she can't have OM because OM's W insists on NC w/ my W. So, my W is probably missing OM more than she misses me.

And I'm making it difficult for her to miss me, and clearly she doesn't want me when I tell her she can have me.

I'll just keep trying. It's not a fun way to live, I'll say that. The uncertainty is hard to stomach. And when I GAL I'm out seeing happy couples and it makes it worse.

[SteveLW]

Yep, we've all been there. You must do the opposite of what you think you should do. That is DBing. And why it is so hard for most people.

[burned]

Stuck on the ring thing. Part of me feels like if I hadn't been wearing it, she would have seen that as a reason for HER to lose hope, too. Or at least, permission to distance herself further.

The part I don't get is that she is always wearing her rings on the 1-2 days per week when I see her in person. So, overanalyzing it, but to me it means she's still in it, maybe.

[SteveLW]

The way I see it. You are married. Therefore you should wear your ring. The day you are no longer married, then take it off.

The problem is that LBSs try to use wearing or not wearing their ring to manipulate their WAS. Again, the wrong motivation! You wear it until you are not longer married. That is my opinion. I never even considered not wearing my ring, no matter what she did with hers.

[burned]

That's how I look at it, too. I'm just trying to figure out what it means that it even crossed her mind that I might not be wearing it, and that she might be able to make an assumption about what it would mean. And what that assumption would be.

And yeah we're "married" but that's paperwork. Right now it doesn't feel like we're anything.

TOO MUCH FOCUS ON HER.

But I'm sad, tired, and there's nothing going tonight in the small town where I live.