Yes, I made the silly mistake of the rings. W removed hers, the reinstated when I said about respect, then removed it again. Not been seen since. At that point I removed mine to ‘get even’. Should have stuck to my original gut feeling of keep it on out of respect. Maybe put it back on burned, or has the horse bolted?
This hollow scary feeling at the bottom of my sternum...is that because I don't know whether it's working or not, and I fear that it won't work? Because last time I felt this way and then had an interaction, it seemed to have worked. So why am I struggling with it again?
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
I guess detachment seemed all warm and fuzzy until I saw that I had been erased from "our" house. Now it's real and I'm having trouble stomaching it.
And here's another question: why do we do any of this? Would it be any more painful to just cut and run? If I'm supposed to be able to stand completely on my own regardless of W, then what difference does it make if I ever even knew her in the first place?
Last edited by burned; 08/13/1808:23 PM. Reason: added more
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
It’s a good question burned, one I have asked myself over and over. I note you have no children. This for me is the game changer. At the moment this is why I am hanging in there. My W has behaved so dispicably that I’m sure I would have walked by now if it wasn’t for them. Total lack of respect.
Right, no kids. There's really no specific reason to stay together except that I like her and for the most part we had a good marriage. There are a couple of specific problems that absolutely need to be worked out, and I've been working on them. For example, I am no longer depressed now that I am taking the right medication. And I am no longer "unavailable" emotionally because I had a wake-up call. Too little, too late. She is no longer attracted to me. She says we lost the "spark" which is her way of saying ILYBINILWY probably. So for the moment, to her, I'm a friendly person she used to sleep with. I am her ex in all but name.
To the extent that the A was a show of disrespect, sure. But lately she says she takes this matter very seriously, she still likes me a lot, and "I'm not trying to torture you, I just need to feel safe." Says the space is helping. "Not ready to let go yet." And "My resolve wavers whenever I'm with you." Something like that. Still willing to go to MC, still occasionally uses the term "us."
If I hadn't been to the house and seen how thoroughly she removed me from it, I'd probably still be feeling like things had improved slightly over the past 2 weeks, coinciding with the beginning of my DB actions. As of today, hope is dwindling.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Wow burned. You are still quoting her a lot. BELIEVE NOTHING SHE SAYS!
BELIEVE NOTHING SHE SAYS! BELIEVE NOTHING SHE SAYS! BELIEVE NOTHING SHE SAYS! BELIEVE NOTHING SHE SAYS! BELIEVE NOTHING SHE SAYS! BELIEVE NOTHING SHE SAYS!
Oh, and one more thing: BELIEVE NOTHING SHE SAYS!
What is she doing to show you anything different.
Notice:
Quote
"I'm not trying to torture you, I just need to feel safe." Says the space is helping. "Not ready to let go yet." And "My resolve wavers whenever I'm with you." Something like that. Still willing to go to MC, still occasionally uses the term "us."
Yet:
Quote
If I hadn't been to the house and seen how thoroughly she removed me from it
First quote: WORDS Last quote: ACTION
ACTION speaks louder than words. You are Plan B. The words are meant to keep you entrenched as such. Her ACTION tells you that you are not Plan A. Is that what you want?
There is still hope, but you have to get respect back first. So start doing things that command respect. Do not initiate contact. Do not engage in arguments. When she contacts you listen. You validate. If she texts you a question you answer it in as few words as possible. If she texts you information you do not text back.
GAL!! You should always be busy. That way if she ever says "can I come over tonight" You say: Nope sorry, I'm busy. No more details, just that you are busy.
"Can you watch the dog again this weekend?" Nope, sorry I am busy.
BE BUSY. All the time.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
The one action that stands out to me, which is different from usual, is her willingness to attend social events with people she has been avoiding out of fear of judgment (at least verbally, we'll see if she follows through).
If I'm busy all the time, how will we reconnect? Am I basically just avoiding her as much as possible until she gets frustrated and asks what's the problem?
Or is it that the message she should be getting is, "If you want me, you'll have to do better than that." I know it's GAL for ME, but is that what ends up happening?
Last edited by burned; 08/14/1802:16 PM. Reason: added more
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
