Why should YOU feel bad because of how SHE is or is not feeling or what she is or isn't doing?
She's my W and I love her. But yeah, I get what you mean. And like you keep saying, our "last M" ended with her in the arms of a man whose existence on this planet is unwarranted.
Even your W shouldn't have so much control your emotional well-being. Think about it, what happens if she passes away? That one is immutable, you'd need to grieve and move on. Look up self-differentiation in marriage. Your identity should be yours, and not so intertwined with hers that if you and her are no longer together you do not have an identity.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So then seeing that I wear my ring, asking to go to the party, scheduling the other get-together. This is all about temp-checking, and I caved? Why would she fear losing me if I'm wearing my ring and still willing to go to MC.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
It's why I'm confused. She's not entirely WW, more like WAW but still with one foot in the door. She says she wants to R once she feels that I have addressed some of the concerns she has about the old MR. So I show her my consistent changes, we do MC, and things get better bit by bit. Or am I lying to myself?
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
What about burned. What does burned want? What are burned's conditions for R. If your conditions are simply "if she wants it" then you are short-changing yourself.
Think about what R looks like to you. Then work towards that. If it includes conditions she has to meet, then include them. "Before R we need to be living in the same place, sleeping in the same bed." "Before R, she has to agree to X, Y, and Z." (Maybe X is complete transparency, Y is no contact with OM, and Z is to stop nitpicking every little mistake you make. I'm spit balling here.)
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
My understanding was that living in the same place and sleeping in the same bed is part of R, not a precondition? I mean that would be a good start. Along with a willingness to put in some effort into making positive changes (which she is, mainly for herself), along with some actions that demonstrate trustworthiness (I have specific ones in mind).
But how do I even bring that up with her, when every time I talk about MR she runs?
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
You don't. You have your script ready for if and when she brings it up. burned she is in control of if she is ever open to R . That is a hard lesson for LBS to swallow but you have to understand that nothing you say or do can bring her back. She has to want to come back.
Been ready when they happens. But don't initiate. That pursuit and will send her fleeing.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So then seeing that I wear my ring, asking to go to the party, scheduling the other get-together. This is all about temp-checking, and I caved? Why would she fear losing me if I'm wearing my ring and still willing to go to MC.
She currently has zero fear of losing you. She knows she can snap her fingers and you'll eagerly come running. You're pursuing like crazy, even your attempts to detach are really pursuit. The thing is, a WAS does not find pursuit attractive. More often than not they are repulsed by it. You've got to stop the pursuit.
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What's confusing me is that she DOES seem half-interested in R. Is that just to keep me going as Plan B?
Yes.
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I mean, should I just flat out say, "I'm done with this, call me when you're ready to do some real work"?
NO!!!! You've GOT to pull back and give her time and space. Do you read Sandi's rules every day? Look at 26 again. Look at ALL of them again, you're violating most of them. Again not trying to beat you up because we all did it, but I'm trying to help you understand that while you think you are detaching, you are really just tricking yourself.
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And how can I have my own identity if she's always just lurking there in the shadows?
Woah! Surely you can't read that back to yourself and not see the glaring problem with that statement?
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It's why I'm confused. She's not entirely WW, more like WAW but still with one foot in the door. She says she wants to R once she feels that I have addressed some of the concerns she has about the old MR. So I show her my consistent changes, we do MC, and things get better bit by bit. Or am I lying to myself?
She's lying to you, it's her way of trying to help you accept this. She's dangling the carrot of hope out there so that you'll be more willing to accept S and D in the hopes that recon will come later. She may very well want to recon later, but right now she has no intentions of it, ever. She's just saying that to soften you up.
So I stop the pursuit. I start becoming someone I didn't used to be. She starts becoming someone I no longer recognize. Then why would there even need to be reconciliation? We'd be off on our own separate ways. I don't see how this ends well.
Do I cancel MC? And even if I don't, what the hell do we talk about there?
Last edited by burned; 08/13/1806:15 PM. Reason: added more
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
The way it feels right now is basically I am already S and just about D but without the official seal of approval.
And it sounds like pretty much anything I do will backfire, except try to tell myself that she is completely and entirely no longer a part of my life at all.
Last edited by burned; 08/13/1806:16 PM. Reason: added more
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
