ambivalent WW - detach? -- Part II

[AnotherStander]

Or is it that I just need to be so busy with my life that I don't have time for her?

Yes, exactly. Not cold or rude, just very busy living an awesome life.

Not pursuing for 48 hours is a new record, I'm sure she is aware.

That's a good start. But you've really got to take your focus off of her. Even when talking about detachment you're weighing her response to it (see above). It's far too soon to expect it to have any impact on her, you've got to stay detached for months and months until you REALLY ARE detached, and THEN it'll start to make a difference. Here's what I see right now- someone who is desperate to "follow the rules" of DB'ing and see immediate results. Someone who is needy and hurting and wants everything to "go back to normal". And if I see that then she does too, you just can't hide it. And that is not attractive. I understand why you are this way, we all were. What we're trying to tell you is there is no short game here and you need to quit looking for it. This is the long game.

As far as I understand, my assignment is validate, validate, validate. I don't know what she'll bring up, or what MC will ask us to talk about.

Right. Whatever she says, just listen intently, and repeat her feelings back to her and offer validation. Like if she says she felt like you stopped acting as an H- "It sounds like you felt lonely and alone in our M, I am sorry I made you feel that way." The idea is you don't agree/ disagree/ argue/ fight/ reason/ etc. You simply acknowledge her feelings and validate them, even if they sound crazy. Why? Because they are HER feelings and even if they make no sense that is how she feels right NOW and she just wants to be heard. Her feelings are always valid to her.

Validate, validate, validate. No expectations. No pursuit, no interrogations, and especially nothing that makes her feel obligated or guilty.

Right.

One month since NC with OM (presumably). Almost 2 months since S. I think this is about the time she might start missing me?

Nope. First of all you are ever-present, so she's not going to miss you. Hell you're going to MC with her! Second, she might grieve the loss of OM for 6 months or more. Again, there is no short game here.

Sorry, still focused on her

Exactly, and nothing is going to change until you stop that. And that is going to take a while. Keep doing what you're doing, but quit monitoring her and expecting immediate results. That leads to temperature checking which ALWAYS leads to disappointment if not another outright BD.

[burned]

Grieving loss of OM for 6 months...in fact in less than 1 month she will be back at school with him sitting somewhere in the same room. This is why I'm focused on the short game.

Does not bode well for me.

[AnotherStander]

This is a common mistake by those new to DBing. They think detachment = LRT = checking out of the MR. That isn't true.

Detachment means you do not react EMOTIONALLY to what she says and does.

Right. Real detachment is like the ultimate alpha behavior. I had a friend in college named Craig. Craig was not some big buff guy or anything, not even particularly good-looking. But damn he was cool. He oozed coolness. He was a pillar of confidence. I remember one time we were walking through a crowd and someone going the other way said "cool shirt man" and Craig responded "yes, it is." And the way he said it didn't sound rude, it sounded badass. Girls absolutely loved him. Why? Because he was so detached, aloof and unconcerned about them. He had an air of unobtainability, and therefore they wanted him. He wasn't rude or cold or anything, it was more like "I can take you or leave you, makes no difference to me because if not you, then someone else. Or no one else. I'm cool regardless." Right?

That is what we mean by detachment. You live your own life. You are strong, independent, confident, unconcerned about what others think about you. The complete opposite of desperate and needy. Your W comes back? OK you might be cool with it. She doesn't come back? That's OK too. Why? Because if not her, then someone else. Or no one else. It doesn't matter because you are awesome regardless. THAT is detachment.

[AnotherStander]

Grieving loss of OM for 6 months...in fact in less than 1 month she will be back at school with him sitting somewhere in the same room. This is why I'm focused on the short game.

There isn't one though. It's not an option. Your focus is in the wrong place.

Does not bode well for me.

I remember having those same thoughts. I was sad and depressed and desperate and needy because of it. Then I remember one day thinking "you know what, some people DO reconcile, and if they can, then why not me? I'd say my chances are just as good if not better than anyone else's." So from that point on I made a conscious choice to have HOPE. And that made all the difference. Whenever I started feeling down I reminded myself that recon was a very real possibility. Hope made everything easier and better and smoother. It made me happier and more content with life. Here's the ironic part, that hope allowed me to well and truly detach, and once I did I didn't care if I reconciled with her or not, because I had moved on.

Hope is powerful while negative thinking will eat you alive and ruin you. And hope versus negative thinking are CHOICES YOU MAKE. Make the right choices.

[burned]

Thanks AS! I think one of my main reasons for being here is just for encouragement as I head down an untraveled path fraught with danger.

I'll try to stay hopeful. It's easier on some days. I know that relative to other people on here, I've got a few things working in my favor. If they can do it, I should be able to do it, too.

Your description of the cool guy is so different from how I am now. Maybe the day before BD I was doing pretty well, feeling OK about myself, sure, not ecstatic with my life but content. Now, different story.

On the other hand, I was a lot more like that when I met W. Back then I was 20 and living with my parents. Different epoch. Can I bring it back? Let's find out.

[SteveLW]

Your description of the cool guy is so different from how I am now. Maybe the day before BD I was doing pretty well, feeling OK about myself, sure, not ecstatic with my life but content. Now, different story.

This proves that you were not differentiated enough in your MR. Your identity was to wrapped up in her and your MR. burned, you lost your identity, essentially. Never a good place to be. The world is an imperfect place. She could fall for someone else, she could have passed away tragically, etc. You were ill prepared for a life outside of your MR because that had become WHO you are/were.

Please google and study self-differentiation in marriage. It is an important concept.

[burned]

OK, I will google that now.

Yes, my identity was tied to her. We were a team, together for life. I was the provider. She was the vitality. It worked fine until OM showed up. At least, it was working for me. Obviously not for her. Never saw any of this coming. Like, seriously, I saw the problems to some extent, but I didn't see the possibility of A. Ever.

This would be so much easier to recover from if my entire concept of who she was, wasn't shattered by that kind of deceit.

The world is really not a very nice place. Then it ends.

[burned]

Read a few things about differentiation and all that.

Now I feel much, much worse.

Although I guess that's what all this DB is about. She already started differentiating a year ago. Suddenly I'm the one falling on my rear feeling like no one is there for me. And my only option, I suppose, is to pick myself up and dust myself off. Forget what she thinks, I have to do this for me.

But I still want her back.

Paradox.

[SteveLW]

Read a few things about differentiation and all that.

Now I feel much, much worse.

Why?

[burned]

Because it makes me realize how bad things were. That I'm a child in a grown-up's body and she was the only thing keeping me going. And somehow I felt fine that way. No wonder she is running.