I mean, I googled "stuff to do" and found lists of things that don't sound appealing at all. Not sure why I'm so negative. I just don't see myself as the kind of person to run out and learn how to breakdance. If I did, it would be to intrigue her, meaning it would be for the wrong reason and it would backfire. She knows I'm not like that.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Oh! Here I am realizing that it always really bummed her out when she would suggest trying something new and I would usually say, "That doesn't sound appealing, what's wrong with all the things we already do?" I know there's some insight in this realization but...
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
I seriously think you need to be in IC on top of, or maybe even in place of, MC.
People that can't move past their MR, or their EX, are the people that end up in dark places. Addiction, self-loathing, "if I can't have you no one can" places. IC is necessary to work through all of this to avoid those kinds of places.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Have been in IC since January, before BD. We're working on the same kinds of things: who are you without her, live your life despite the pain, etc. It's slow going.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Yes, my identity was tied to her. We were a team, together for life. I was the provider. She was the vitality. It worked fine until OM showed up. At least, it was working for me. Obviously not for her. Never saw any of this coming. Like, seriously, I saw the problems to some extent, but I didn't see the possibility of A. Ever.
Most of us here never saw it coming. We had no warning, no preparation time, no chance to make things better. One day we think things are just fine and the next we're confused and the next swimming in a dark, black lake of despair. My XW told me 6 months before BD (in tears) that I needed to take care of myself because if anything ever happened to me she would not be able to keep on living. So what happened between that and BD day? Not a damned thing. SHE was the only thing that changed, all else was as it had been for years and years and years. Oh sure we can look at ourselves and tweak things (do 180's) but someone else just mentioned in another thread that if you didn't do A, B and C in the marriage then she would have left because of X, Y and Z. This is about HER, not you.
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This would be so much easier to recover from if my entire concept of who she was, wasn't shattered by that kind of deceit.
I don't know my XW anymore. The woman I spent 25 years with and thought I knew better than myself is gone and has been replaced by someone utterly alien to me but in the same body. She's not mean or angry or anything, just totally different. A different personality. Maybe it was a decade of anti-depressants that did it, or menopause, or invasion of the body snatchers. I don't know, and I never will. The point I'm making is it happens and the best we can do is rise above it and become the best people we can.
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The world is really not a very nice place. Then it ends.
I used to be a lot more negative when I was married. Used to let the smallest things eat at me. Got aggravated about everything. BD, S and D set me free in a way. I suddenly realized that all that little crap I was so worried about didn't matter, and that the big things that did matter were fleeting and could be stolen away without warning. So now I find joy where I can, and I don't sweat the little aggravations. I take time to do fun things for myself instead of working myself to death. I go out of my way to spend time with my kids even if they don't reciprocate, and I don't resent them for it because I know they are busy with their lives too. I take what I can get and I don't worry about what I can't get out of life. The world isn't a "nice" place or "mean" place, it is simply the backdrop to your life. Your life is what you fashion it into. I never got my old life back. Am I mad? Do I resent it? No, I enjoyed my old life and look back on it with fondness. But it ended and I built a new, different life. Fun in completely different ways. Fulfilling. Sometimes downright thrilling. Like I said before, this isn't the end of your life. It's the end of a chapter. Time to turn the page and write a new chapter. You can fill it with anger and pessimism, or you can fill it with hopes and dreams and awesome things. It's totally up to you.
Have been in IC since January, before BD. We're working on the same kinds of things: who are you without her, live your life despite the pain, etc. It's slow going.
Ah ok. Remember, ICs are like cups of coffee. Some are better than others. Do not be afraid to change ICs if this one isn't getting it done.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I mean, I googled "stuff to do" and found lists of things that don't sound appealing at all. Not sure why I'm so negative. I just don't see myself as the kind of person to run out and learn how to breakdance. If I did, it would be to intrigue her, meaning it would be for the wrong reason and it would backfire. She knows I'm not like that.
Here's the problem with GAL. You'll hate it at first. You will make every excuse you can not to do it. You have to FORCE yourself to do it. DRAG yourself out of the house, MAKE yourself put one foot in front of the other and go do something. The more you do it the less agonizing it is, then one day you won't even realize it until later, but you actually enjoyed yourself. You'll find yourself looking forward to GAL activities.
Look, I'll tell you straight up that while I feel bad that you are hurting, I'm getting very tired of your negative, pessimistic, defeatist attitude about EVERYTHING. YOU HAVE GOT TO STOP THIS ASAP. You think you're hurting worse than any of the rest of us did? You are wrong. You think your situation is special or unique? You are wrong. LISTEN TO US and QUIT making excuses.
To Amoafwl's last post I will repeat what I said above:
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People that can't move past their MR, or their EX, are the people that end up in dark places. Addiction, self-loathing, "if I can't have you no one can" places. IC is necessary to work through all of this to avoid those kinds of places.
Please do not settle for an IC that can't help you avoid that.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Well last night was a disaster so I guess I'm going to have to double down on my detachment and GAL. This is rough, guys. Feels like I got the wind kicked out of me. But thanks for the encouragement.
I think what I'm hearing from the last 2 posts is that I need to start living my life as if she is just 100% gone. I know that only then will the detachment start "working" in the sense that I'll feel better either way, and she may or may not come back.
It's just a crappy place to be in life, as I'm sure everyone else has experienced. I'll just keep trying to put one foot in front of the other. Maybe go out and do some pub trivia tonight, by myself. No one can stop me except me.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
