ambivalent WW - detach? -- Part II

[burned]

But Steve your words are like rain in the desert. I don't know how you can stay that confident.

[burned]

So I just need to remind myself: it FEELS counterintuitive, like I'm losing her. But she will feel safer when she knows that I am not going to latch onto her and expect more from her than she is able/willing to give. And my actions showing her that are that I am essentially ignoring her unless she contacts me.

And I am going to trust all the people on this forum who keep telling me over and over that for some weird reason that will actually intrigue her.

It's a leap of faith.

[SteveLW]

But Steve your words are like rain in the desert. I don't know how you can stay that confident.

Because I've seen it work. Read black8's thread. Went his own way, came back begging us to forgive him because his sitch went so awry. (Now, DBing doesn't guarantee it either, but the failure rate goes from 99.9% to ~50% depending on the sitch.)

burned, roller-coaster of emotions is real. It isn't surprising that you were riding high on Saturday and now in the pit of despair. It happens. Go back to the principles: GAL, 180s, detach and work on being the best burned that you can be.

[burned]

Steve, this was from a different thread (Ballast's, I think):

First very few WAWs or WWs just suddenly say "I WANT TO R!" That's not the way it usually goes... ... Slowly she started to do the things that someone that has recommitted to the MR would do. Even as late as April, when the MC asked point-blank if she had decided to stay in the marriage, she wasn't as forceful in her answer as I would have preferred. But again. all of her actions were towards that. (Action over words, always.)

What are some of the "things that someone that has recommitted to the MR"? Can you provide any specific examples, just so I don't kid myself? Thanks!

[SteveLW]

In my case:

- She quit hiding her phone usage.
- She wasn't afraid of me unlocking her phone, let alone touching it.
- She stopped all efforts at looking for a job and an apartment.
- She no longer talked about being on her own.
- She started making plans for future things.
- She started taking an interest in the house again.
- She came to bed when I went to bed.
- She prayed with me.
- She did all of the homework that the MC assigned.
- She resumed her house search (we had been looking for a new house for about 3 years prior to BD, but she stopped about 6 months before BD)
- She started having sex with me again.
- We started doing a weekly date.
- We started laughing together, joking around, flirting, and generally just enjoying each other's company again.

This is not exhaustive. There were others, but these are off the top of my head. These started slowly at first, some she was against but then slowly opened up to.

[burned]

This is why I'm so confused. For me, some of those never went away, and others show up sporadically. It's impossible to determine where I'm at. And it changes (although only in a positive direction since I started detaching as best as I could).

And all of that was just by GAL/180/detachment?

In my sitch (and I know I'm either mind reading or just doing wishful thinking), it almost feels like she's waiting to be able to do some of those things as soon as she feels safe. Like, she is hurting BECAUSE she would want to do those things if she didn't see them as being such a huge risk of being engulfed again.

Please hit me with the 2x4 now.

[SteveLW]

This is why I'm so confused. For me, some of those never went away, and others show up sporadically. It's impossible to determine where I'm at. And it changes (although only in a positive direction since I started detaching as best as I could).

And all of that was just by GAL/180/detachment?

In my sitch (and I know I'm either mind reading or just doing wishful thinking), it almost feels like she's waiting to be able to do some of those things as soon as she feels safe. Like, she is hurting BECAUSE she would want to do those things if she didn't see them as being such a huge risk of being engulfed again.

Please hit me with the 2x4 now.

Yes. When I let go, GAL, 180'd and detached was when I started seeing signs of her wanting to come back. When I pleaded, begged, cried, pouted, pursued, and pressured she always went the other direction.

burned you have to do what works in your sitch. There is no one size fits all. I also did things called talk and touch charges from a non-DBing program. If she had reacted poorly to those I would have stopped. (You can google those too.) But again, we were in an in-house separation still sleeping in the same bed. Everyone's sitches are different.

[MoveFrwd]

How do you go from being completely dependent, then even more desperate after having had your heart trampled on, to being hopeless after being kicked out of the relationship that made life worth living... to all of a sudden being so cool that you don't give a hoot what people think of your shirts?

What actions show that? Skydiving and pottery classes? Alone. With almost no joy. Man wasn't made to be alone.

Burned.....breathe. Breathe. Please. Just relax for a minute.

This process is a marathon. That’s not a joke. This isn’t a puzzle you solve in a day. It’s a nonlinear exercise in slowly pulling back the onion layer by later. Some days are good, some terrible and some in the middle. That’s normal. That’s ok. You’ll take 3 steps forward and then 7 backwards. It’s ok. Two days ago you were saying how you were a terrific guy and don’t have anything to improve...now your world is incredibly bleak and you don’t even know where to start! This is a long and hard process of self awareness and self discovery.

Ok. So. What should you DO.

1). Read. Learn. Listen. Absorb. Basically you need a PLAN and some GOALS. What do you want in your life? What is important to you? What do you need to change? What about you is already awesome? And so on.

2) practice. Practice. Practice. What do you need to change? Maybe it’s being more patient. Maybe it’s learning who you are. Maybe it’s losig weight. Whatever it is, you just start doing it. Step by step. Progressing towards your goals and your plans.

That’s pretty much it. Right now you have so much pressure on yourself and your W to reconcile. It might happen. It might not. Do you want that to define YOU? Right now, you’re letting it. Can you see a life where you are happy without reconciling? What does that look like?

Nobody said anything about being ALONE. In fact, I think right now is a great time to immerse yourself in the world. What organizations can you join? What clubs? What outreach can you do? What friends can you reconnect with? What new travels do you want to take? What skills or hobbies do you want to learn?

You can do it. Not overnight. Not in a week. But day by day and step by step. Set small goals - what do you want to accomplish TODAY or THIS WEEK? What do you want to do before Labor Day? Before the end of the year. And so on.

[SteveLW]

amoafwl is a DB wizard! Listen to his advice.

burned, the posters we see struggle the most are the ones that do GAL the worst. I asked a poster last week, that struggles mightily, what his plans were for that night. His answer:

"Being bored out of my mind...."

And he wonders why he struggles so much! Don't be like that be busy. Stay active. The more you do that the easier it will be to detach.

[burned]

Can you see a life where you are happy without reconciling? What does that look like?

I think my problem is that I can't. And that speaks to Steve's comment, too.

Being a loyal husband, having a faithful companion by my side, was such an important aspect of my identity that I feel lost without it. I know there are other ways to define myself. But that one was really crucial. Hence my predicament.

I'm happy when everything around me is stable. She was always the one coming up with ideas, and I only enjoyed them because it was quality time with her. I just worked behind the scenes to remove all the obstacles to make things happen. And for the most part they did.

The thought of doing "something" just for the sake of doing something is just so foreign to me. Sure, I'd gladly try something new. If she were there with me to make it fun. Other than that, I can't even drag myself to the library. There's a voice inside me screaming, what's the point?

My goal for this week was to stop thinking about her so much and concentrate at work. I did not meet that goal. One goal I did meet was that I didn't text her at all. She was the only person to initiate contact. For the most part I responded politely but tersely. Will she be curious? Will she think I'm angry at her? If she asks, I will tell her there isn't anything wrong. I'll be lying, and we'll both know it. Missed that goal.

I know tomorrow will be a better day. I just don't feel it.