And Steve, one of the first strategies my IC proposed after BD was to tell her, "Call me if/when you're ready to work on the M, and in the meantime I'll be doing my thing." Something along those lines.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
I hope so. Today it's mostly just grief. Went from being pretty darn good, right back to "I'm angry at you and I don't feel safe around you." Obviously BEING around me doesn't help her feel any safer, so...detach! And I will try to trust everyone here telling me that this will work. I honestly don't see how you can develop a feeling of safety with someone you never interact with, but I'll take the leap of faith.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
I'll just keep trying to put one foot in front of the other. Maybe go out and do some pub trivia tonight, by myself.
Awesome. I wonder if instead of going 'by yourself', you can plan to go out and join a random team.
I know it would be an incredible challenge.
Can you do it?
I honestly considered this. It would be extremely unusual behavior for me. Might be worth a shot. "Who needs an ace trivia teammate, good with science/geography/history, terrible at sports and pop culture?" Definitely a 180.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
I hope so. Today it's mostly just grief. Went from being pretty darn good, right back to "I'm angry at you and I don't feel safe around you." Obviously BEING around me doesn't help her feel any safer, so...detach! And I will try to trust everyone here telling me that this will work. I honestly don't see how you can develop a feeling of safety with someone you never interact with, but I'll take the leap of faith.
burned, I just had this same discussion with someone else.
If by "this will work" you mean that it will help you be okay no matter what your wife decides, then yes it absolutely will work. If by "this will work" means it will save your MR for sure, then you may be disappointed. There is no guarantee of that no matter what you do.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
If by "this will work" you mean that it will help you be okay no matter what your wife decides, then yes it absolutely will work. If by "this will work" means it will save your MR for sure, then you may be disappointed. There is no guarantee of that no matter what you do.
Pretty sure you said the same thing somewhere in my thread.
And yeah, the way I'm feeling right now, any kind of "okay" is fine with me. Can't live like this indefinitely. I know limbo is the gift of time but heck sometimes closure seems really tempting, even if it's "bad" closure.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Here's a question. Last night she clearly stated that D is not currently on the table. We are in agreement with MC that the S is for the purpose of improving the relationship, not necessarily as a precursor to D. When she was asked how she feels about working on the MR, she says, "I'm still here, aren't I?"
In swoops Steve with "DON'T BELIEVE ANYTHING SHE SAYS!" I know, Steve, I know.
So this is the "holding pattern" thing that MWD mentions in DR, right? Not sure why I'm asking, just to see how it affects the overall situation. Doesn't change what I need to do, but maybe it explains the difficulty I'm having with detachment? Just rambling here.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
burned, my W said the same thing. It is a redirection. Notice, she didn't commit to working on the MR. But she didn't say no to it either. Oh those tricky tricky WASs!
I am surprised the MC took that lack of an answer. Her still being there in no ways indicates she is willing to work on the MR.
The difficulty you are having with detachment is the same difficulty we all had. It is counter-intuitive. It sounds like being told "if someone throws a right hook at your face, lean into it!" But this is where you need to trust the process. Yes he has you in a holding patttern, that is the limbo that you are well aware of.
Sorry about the repeating myself. LOL I respond to too many threads sometimes.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
No, repetition is pretty much one of the only things that works on me. Drove W nuts, as I recall.
MC is being super cautious, and suggested that next week we should talk about a "status update." Great idea, give W a week to stew on it. Ugh. And Thursdays she sees her IC, which always results in more boundaries (a.k.a. walls), more anger, more "clarity," and less contact. So it was bad timing. Just now I tried to downplay it by saying, no, it's fine, I have the information I need. I can only imagine what she and her IC will dream up next.
So my understanding with the tricky WAS, certainly no commitment, no surprise there, but at least...not saying no, meaning...that works in my favor in the grand scheme?
Last edited by burned; 08/16/1807:57 PM. Reason: confused
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
