B, I have to say, first thank you for the kind words. Next, wow, that was so heartfelt that I felt tears welling in my eyes! That only the second time that's ever happened reading things on this board. As I said I am kind of stoic, so it is kind of strange for me to feel that emotion evoked from a stranger typing on the internet. That shows you how heartfelt your comments are! So thank you for that.
It is interesting in your long post, how you touched on so many points. Cory09 came here last night to discuss his pain at his D becoming final today. I started to type out a longer post related to some of the things you touched on and then realized that it wasn't going to help him, and I shortened it to more of a post of encouragement for him. But so much of what you said was on my mind. That there are those out there that take commitment so lightly. We've all been through the wedding. The preparation, going through the licensing process, arranging everything and then standing in front of a minister with a crowd of friends and family and swearing an oath to love, honor and cherish. Then after a few bumps in the road turning tail and running. (I used that exact phrase in my original post to Cory09.) As you point out that this has become so widespread is troubling.
B, I was getting ready to leave for work this morning and it hit me that my W would have bolted weeks ago, maybe months ago, if not for our Christian faith. Even with it she was ready to leave in January, though she didn't do a lot in the effort it would have taken. The point being that she kept coming back to not wanting to disappoint God and church. Her heart had already moved on from me, it just wasn't ready to move on from her faith. I think so much about others here that didn't have that, whose WAW (or spouse for the ladies) just up and left. I spent a lot of time in OrangeK's threads trying to help him, and my heart hurting for him. I cannot imagine going through sitches like ours without that bedrock of faith. OK struggles so mightily, grasping at things. Strange feelings that proceed court orders, and grasping at coping techniques, but having a hole through the middle of him due to a lack of spirituality. I am not trying to turn this religious at all, but I juxtapose OK and someone like LoneWlf. LW has leaned his entire weight on his faith.....and I see none of the same struggles in him that I see in others. Not that he doesn't struggle since we all do, but that his struggles are tempered in trusting God!
And the Ballast I see you. Not understanding (how could any of us) how you can be put through this twice, but trusting that God has a plan even in the midst of your pain. You are an inspiration, no question about it. Your strength and resolve are marvels, but again I attribute it to the fact that you see that you are part of a bigger plan!
As recently as this past weekend I had thoughts about whether or not I should have pursued R, or if D would be better for me in so many ways. As you said we all come here wanting to fight for our MR. And the personal growth we find is that R or D, we will overcome. Not just in words on a screen proclaiming that we are better, but by getting ourselves out of bed every morning resolved to make it the best day possible for ourselves, and for our kids. And whether we are struggling in R and all the things that go along with that, or whether we are struggling with D proceedings and all of the stress that goes along with that, we realize that our bedrock is the faith in a God that despite our struggles cares so much for us. Even for you who are not believers, you can take solace in knowing that He does care for you and that you are never alone because He is there.
Ballast, I need to go back into Cory's thread and remind him that D isn't the end. It is a step in the process. We don't know what the future holds, but we have seen R become a possibility many times after D. The beauty in this personal journey of growth of exactly what you said, the switch from trying to save our MR at all costs to saving ourselves and therefore getting ourselves in a position to decide if we even want that anymore. It is profound.
Thanks ballast, I appreciate you taking the time to share all of that with us.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
B - Let me offer you some hope. My daughters were 8 and 6 when my XW left. Both were old enough to understand what was going on and my oldest still struggles with it. My XW wedding dress too is hanging in the spare bedroom closest next to all of our family photos. I still live in the same house we shared as a family, were my daughters grew up, and where we know all the neighbors. So I get it.
It took me 6 months before I felt like I could relatively function again. Now almost 1.5 years later I am glad that I still live in our old family home, I am glad the we still have the same neighbors, I am glad that my daughters still get to live in it and I was fortunate enough to be able to keep it, I am glad that some of those memories still remain, I actually draw strength from it because it reminds me every day of what a week person she is, how selfish she is, and how she is a complete fool. It fuels me and it drives me every day to be the best man I can be.
Yes....sometimes this board can become painful and you see new people showing up every day but some how, some way you have pick yourself up off the ground, dust yourself, and start moving forward. Only you can do that for yourself, that is something the board can't do for you.
I am 1.5 years into my ordeal and for the most part my xw is a distant memory. My daughters are happy, enjoying sports, their friends, and while there was an adjustment period they are moving forward as well. I am now interacting with other women, using my dbing skills, confident, happy, and looking forward to finding a partner that wants to put the time in to grow a relationship. If you put in the time and work I guarantee you that you will come out of this stronger than ever!
Try to focus on the positives, try to not look in the rearview mirror, continue to focus on yourself and your kid, be thankful for all that you have, accept your old marriage is over, and realize that this is all a learning experience. You just have to believe that for whatever reason this is your path but something greater is waiting for you in time.
you say D is a forgone conclusion. Well, I say, prepare for the worst and hope for the best.
Don't worry about moving your daughter to a new home, you can make it fun and memorable for her - trust me!
Your W being stubborn could mean plenty in your favor b/c it would take a stubborn person a long time to back off of the bomb drop that is divorce.
What you have to keep in mind is that somewhere out there is a great woman who will treat you better than this. She exists and is real and you are capable of finding her.
Don't fear divorce, the marriage is already gone and what's dead may never die (Game of Thrones fans???). If the good lord helps you resurrect the MR, then great. If you get a divorce, oh well, it's just a formality at this point.
Stay strong.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
thank you Steve, J9, ovrrnbw for your support and encouragement.
nothing much to say that hasn't been said already. I was a loyal, loving husband, definitely imperfect, but fully committed to doing whatever I could to make our MR happy. W threw it all away for whatever reason, best I can guess affair/MLC who knows and not one single finger lifted nor word did she speak to do anything to save it. there was nothing more cherished in my whole than my W and our family, but soon that will be all gone.
it's funny to me Steve, I've never thought of D NOT being the end. I guess having not been on here as long I just have no experience with that even being possible. not saying I'm for or against W and me possibly coming back around in the future, but to me D has always been the final nail in the relationship coffin.
j9...thank you for your perspective. like i say my main issue with keeping the house would be how future ladies might get freaked out by it. maybe it's a moot point to worry about, if the right lady comes along and loves me she will understand the circumstances and rationale for why I kept it. the allure of a move away and a fresh start are equally compelling though.
ovrrnbw...one thing consistent in my W besides being stubborn is that she regularly regrets decisions that she makes. i don't truly care if she D's me if she ever regrets it, just want to be set free to go on. more basically I don't think W will ever have the ability emotionally to admit a mistake nor even second guess herself and seek forgiveness?...no way she ever asks for forgiveness that would shatter her sense of control, always being right, etc....
B - You have no idea what another woman would want or need. You do what is right for you.....it is something you should not worry about.
Truthfully it is better that you are going through this now when your D is 3 versus when they are truly old enough to understand and remember what it was like to have mommy and daddy under 1 roof.
It [censored] but try to keep it into perspective. It helped me.
B as I alluded to, the beauty is that if and when the opportunity to work towards R occurs YOU'LL get to choose if you want it or not. That is the beauty of being the lighthouse. You are their beaming your light, but you get to decide who you let in.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
j9 you know D is almost 4 now...a few nights ago when I put her down...paraphrasing exactly what she said but she did say "I wish we were a family"...she knows now. it was truly the most heartbreaking thing to hear...hurt WAY worse than BD to be honest. D knows more than W thinks even at such a young age...surprised me for sure.
steve...yep you are right...so much of mindset right now is just to close down to ladies completely and just raise my son. MANY lady friends are trying to convince me to not extrapolate my feelings out beyond my W. they say there are like a billion other women. to which I reply yes, but I do not get to fail 500,000 times. twice failed makes me hugely feel like damaged goods. i do truly pray to God to keep me from other women so as not to destroy them the way I've done the prior 2. i know that's fatalistic and crazy...i have many GFs fighting hard to keep my heart open to the possibility of a future relationship. third time is the charm has been their statement.
LH...as has been pointed out many times there nothing I can do to ensure that this never happens to me again other than my closing up shop on future relationships.
i have learned that life is unfair, bad things happen to good people, stuff happens that can't be explained, truth is/can be hard to accept. I have learned validation, empathy, the 5 LLs, the effects of depression/anxiety on MRs, I will survive, life will go on, my friends/family/God will not forsake me, commitments are not certain nor is the future....much more but that's the list off the top of my head.
That is a great perspective Ballast. Living in uncertainty is difficult, but ultimately, I hope, more rewarding than a false sense of control.
Also, while all of those things that you have learned can't guarantee that any future relationship will work, but they certainly can raise the odds. For example, my W may have walked away no matter what, but my emotional neediness certainly didn't help matters and probably contributed to the demise of the MR.
It's good to hear you talking this way. It gives me hope both for you and myself.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
