And Steve, one of the first strategies my IC proposed after BD was to tell her, "Call me if/when you're ready to work on the M, and in the meantime I'll be doing my thing." Something along those lines.
It feels way more effective to simply "do your own thing"....what is the value in putting the pressure on her to make that decision?
I am trying to do my own thing now. The pressure ALWAYS backfires.
What do I do with this statement from W: "I can see how hard you're working to better yourself. And you've gotten really good at not pressuring me, for the most part."
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
I am trying to do my own thing now. The pressure ALWAYS backfires.
What do I do with this statement from W: "I can see how hard you're working to better yourself. And you've gotten really good at not pressuring me, for the most part."
Use that to motivate you to get better at not pressuring her FOR ALL OF THE PARTS!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Here's a question. Last night she clearly stated that D is not currently on the table. We are in agreement with MC that the S is for the purpose of improving the relationship, not necessarily as a precursor to D. When she was asked how she feels about working on the MR, she says, "I'm still here, aren't I?"
Well it's not a major victory, but hey, it's a ray of sunshine and you need to take what you can get! A lot of WAS's (mine included) never even give that much. Mine just kept saying "there is a 99.9% chance this will not work" when it came to MC and such. She just kept saying over and over again "I don't know why but I just don't want to try". She really never gave me any hope at all. I would have been thrilled to hear my XW say what your W is saying to you, ANY hope would have been welcome. But you do need to keep your expectations in check.
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It was either Amoafwl or AnotherStander who said that MC might be working against me.
Something I say a lot is that many WAS's agree to MC so they can check it off their "things I tried to save the M but just proved it really was over" list. In other words they don't expect it to work, don't want it to work, and don't want to even try, but by doing it it allows them to tell you and everyone else that they "tried everything". Of course it's crap, because just going and sitting there is NOT trying. But that's exactly what they do. And most MC's are nothing more than divorce facilitators, so eventually they will say "maybe you should consider separation" and then the WAS is ALL ABOUT MC! Oh yes indeed we need to try that! The MC is brilliant, this is a GREAT idea! So yeah, it often works against you. Not always, but most of the time when a WAS is involved. WAS's are already completely checked out, not just unhappy wives that need a little help.
If by "this will work" you mean that it will help you be okay no matter what your wife decides, then yes it absolutely will work. If by "this will work" means it will save your MR for sure, then you may be disappointed. There is no guarantee of that no matter what you do.
Pretty sure you said the same thing somewhere in my thread.
And yeah, the way I'm feeling right now, any kind of "okay" is fine with me. Can't live like this indefinitely. I know limbo is the gift of time but heck sometimes closure seems really tempting, even if it's "bad" closure.
What does "closure" mean to you?
Remember that she is operating based on feelings. Think about in September when you are 'sick of summer' and ready for it to be cooler.....well....come February, you have the opposite feeling. The point is that feelings change. So even if she says today that she doesnt love you and wants a divorce....who knows how she will feel tomorrow or in a week or in a month or in 15 years.
So getting her to say "I want to divorce you" doesnt really feel like 'closure'...
...eventually they will say "maybe you should consider separation" and then the WAS is ALL ABOUT MC! Oh yes indeed we need to try that! The MC is brilliant, this is a GREAT idea!
My experience, to a T.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
