I dunno, Steve... I saw action that suggested we were headed toward R, but then at the drop of a hat, she turned tail and we are where we are now.
I do know she feels guilty about all of this, but it's not seemingly slowing her down any. The fact that she started talking about moving possibly the week of my birthday makes it feel like she's in complete "IDGAF" mode.
I have been trying to be cool this whole week during the in house separation, but then she escalates things this way.
I know she is, but this feels more like a parachute drop than a roller coaster.
I definitely feel like I'm not figuring out how to detach. I also feel like the space I'm giving her, combined with the 180's I've done, also combined with the GAL I'm trying to do isn't really working. She made a comment about not knowing where I was last night. She said that she only brought it up so she'd know what to tell our S when he asked where I was and when I was coming home. When I proceeded to tell her, she said that it's none of her business, and that I'm either not telling her because I just don't want her to know or that I'm just doing it so she'll ask.
I also feel like the space I'm giving her, combined with the 180's I've done, also combined with the GAL I'm trying to do isn't really working.
C,
There are no magic bullets, actions or techniques that are going to turn this around for you. I am going to post below a post I read a year ago that finally made me understand what was going on. This was posted by Accuray on a posters thread.
Very sorry for what you've gone through here, it's heartbreaking. You've done some things very well and handled the initial situation as well as can be expected. More recently however you're falling into a very familiar pattern that leads to a long period of pain and limbo.
Being in this situation is like dying of thirst floating on a raft in a poison lake. Everyone will tell you not to drink the water, and why you shouldn't drink the water and what will happen to you if you drink the water. You can intellectually understand what they're saying, you "get it", you can convince yourself that you're not going to drink the water, but each night when you go to sleep and each morning when you wake up, you're thirsty as hell and the water is right there, so it's extremely easy to convince yourself that a little sip can't hurt. Despite the fact that you know you should not drink the water, you will just keep doing it because you keep convincing yourself it’s okay to do so because you're just dying of thirst.
So how do we bring that to your scenario? There is really only one prescription and that is to take the focus off of W entirely and focus only on you, your life, and what you want from it. Your learnings about what you need to improve about yourself are an asset you take with you, but everything else about W, what W is doing, what W is thinking, etc. needs to be entirely put aside.
You are not safe for her to approach until she feels you've let her go. That's a simple truth, but incredibly hard to accept.
Reaching out to W, making overtures, contacting W's family, talking to OM's W, snooping on W, this is all "drinking the poison water"
Why are you doing it? Why are you so obsessed with W? You were in a relationship with a woman who wasn't meeting your needs, who would irrationally blame you for anything that went wrong, and then cheated on you and lied to you. Why is that a prize worth making the focus of your waking attention?
The reason is that you are grasping to re-establish a feeling of control over your life.
When W dropped the bomb she ripped your sense of stability away from you. From your perspective you didn't do anything to deserve it, you couldn't stop it from happening, and you couldn't put things back together afterwards.
That would make anyone feel totally out of control, spinning down the drain, and that is a horrible feeling!
You are trying to analyze and understand everything so that you can build it into a rational model so that it will never, ever happen to you again. If I can avoid doing X, then Y will never happen. In addition, you want to unlock this puzzle, to deconstruct it so you can find the solution that will allow you to rebuild it. Finding that key would provide immense comfort.
Your brain has convinced itself that getting W back, or getting W to apologize and declare a desire to have you back is the very best and fastest way to restore your feeling of being in control.
With the benefit of time and distance, you'll realize that's what it's really all about, it's about regaining the ability to feel in control of your life and your future. It really has very little to do with W or who she is as a person, she's a lever to get you what you want, but that's really just an illusion.
You're dying of thirst (feeling out of control), and pursuing W is drinking the water out of the poison lake. You think it will satisfy your thirst each time you do it, but really it's just making you sicker.
We will tell you "don't drink the water!" Intellectually you'll agree, but the water is always there and logically it seems that drinking it is the shortest path to no longer being thirsty.
Instead, you need to paddle your ass to the shore, leave the raft behind, and get a drink somewhere else.
That's not code for having your own affair or finding a new woman to have a relationship with. It has to do with finding an authentic way to rebuild your feeling of being in control, controlling your own destiny and getting your mojo back.
If you take the focus off of W *completely* she will notice. That will give her space to breathe, and to think. That's the only way these things turn around -- the ONLY way.
Thanks, LH19... The story is correct, I do intellectually understand what to do, I just don't know how to start paddling. I know there are lots of ideas about old friends, hobbies, etc. to start focusing on and reconnecting with me, but none of them really seem to work for my sitch.
I have two people I can call true friends in my life. This is largely due to to A.) focusing so much time on my business the last two years and B.) the rest of my friends are mutual friends with my W, of which all of them have "chosen her side". The point is I don't really have any old friends to reconnect with, and I'm pretty well connected with the two I do have, though they're extremely busy with their own lives.
I earn about $2,500 per month. After doing the math on what it will cost me just to even support myself once physical separation begins, I'm really going to be struggling just to make ends meet. Also, my business is a handyman business, which means my income is variable. Since going into business for myself, I have been able to pay myself what I was making before I left my last job, but it has only been 6 months. I say all of this to say that hobbies or activities where I might make new friends aren't really affordable in the future, and as things stand right now, I have to start tucking away money for deposits, furniture, dishes, etc. for a new place.
I've been trying to read more, but my mind will not focus, and keeps wandering back to W and our MR. The same is true for TV/movies. Also, the few times I've tried to do these things, W comments that I'm being sulky, etc., though this will not happen anymore after physical separation.
I also live in a fairly rural area, so there's not a lot of recreational things to do where i might meet new people. I'm not religious, so no houses of worship, either. Can I do things alone? Sure, but the only thing I can really do is go out hiking, and that gets old fast, especially alone.
All of this on top of having to be the primary one to take care of our S each afternoon, make dinner, check schoolwork, etc. makes this all the more difficult.
I'm trying to come up with ways to do exactly what I'm being advised to do, but I keep hitting roadblocks at every turn. I know that doing these things will help me to let go and detach, but I keep drawing a blank on what I can do to fill my time.
I also feel like the space I'm giving her, combined with the 180's I've done, also combined with the GAL I'm trying to do isn't really working.
How is it not working?
If you mean it isn't working to immediately get her to change her mind about D, then you are right. But that doesn't mean it isn't working. All of that is FOR YOU as much as her.
1) She is going to either D you or stay. 2) You have to be okay with either outcome. 3) On your own you are incapable of being okay. 4) the space I'm giving her, combined with the 180's I've done, also combined with the GAL helps you learn how to be okay
crouton, we sound like broken records on this board, but if you are 'the space I'm giving her, combined with the 180's I've done, also combined with the GAL" to manipulate her IT WILL NEVER WORK. WASs are notorious for knowing why you are doing something, and if they detect you are doing it just to get them to change their mind they will dig in their heels.
BUT if you do it for yourself and yourself ONLY,eventually she will see that you are really changing, and you are really moving on, and you are really going to be okay NO MATTER WHAT. And sometimes (50% or less of the time) it also causes her wonder what changed and why and to become interested again.
"the space I'm giving her, combined with the 180's I've done, also combined with the GAL" ALWAYS works if done right and for the right reason because it will either get her to come back, or allow you to be okay even if she doesn't.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I am and have been doing it for me, not just to get her to stay, and not to manipulate. I know that doing things that way would either fail, or would cause her to leave shortly after. I also know that I would carry this baggage into a new R if I don't change for me. and then I'd be in the same cycle again with someone else.
As far as it working goes, I mean seeing baby steps that we could work this out. In the beginning, it was. I pulled back,she came closer. Did I backslide on occasion? Of course. But, we seemed to recover well. Then she starts talking future plans, moving into a new house, clean break, fresh start for us, etc., and when the house we found that we wanted fell through, she slammed on the brakes, threw it in reverse, and is now driving the opposite way.
The problem I'm having now is implementing more of the GAL, 180's, etc. due to finances and responsibilities, as well as location. I know I have to do these things because, as you said, it will either get her to come back, or it will help me be okay if she doesn't... I just can't figure out how.
Not really... I mean, I obviously want my W to come back, so, yeah, I'm looking for signs of that happening/not happening. But, I also have realized that I have to change, too, for my own emotional/mental health, whether I stay married to her or not.
I definitely feel like I'm not figuring out how to detach. I also feel like the space I'm giving her, combined with the 180's I've done, also combined with the GAL I'm trying to do isn't really working.
Crouton, we've said it a thousand times, it's in Michele's book, it's in Cadet's first post to you, it's all over these forums- YOU MUST BE PATIENT!!!!!! It is FAR too soon to know if it's "working". It took your W a long time to get to this point and she's not going to reverse course in a few weeks or months. This is a marathon, not a sprint. There is no magic trick to make it all go away and return things to "normal". You've got a long ways to go yet. Work on yourself. Get out and GAL. Become the spouse only a fool would leave. Lose the codependence. Become strong, independent, content, attractive. THEN she may look back. But not until then. Definitely not now when you are still super needy and desperate. Be patient, follow the techniques and trust that they will yield positive results down the road.
