IH, I don't know because you ended by saying "For whatever reason it is...she needs me in her life...if it's friendship then so be it." That seems counter to what you have been saying since the last meetup.
I guess I am confused. I know with Kayla in the past, she would call me (this was before texting) without anything to say. And this prompted me to start doing the same. This went on for a while. She had a new BF but when he wasn't around or not meeting her emotional needs etc, she'd call me.
"Hi."
"HI."
"WHat are you doing?"
"Nothing much, you?"
"Nothing."
Awkward silence.
"Steve!"
"What?"
"I don't know, I just miss you."
"Oh. Yeah, I miss you too."
"Oh I talked to so-and-so the other day, first time in a longtime....."
Enter mindless banter.
I occasionally made the same type of call.
One day I decided, I am not doing that anymore. First if she calls, I am not answering. If it was more of the above then she won't leave a message. If it is more important than the above she'll leave a message and either want me to call her back or leave the information she wanted to convey in the VM.
I am not calling her unless I have something pressing to ask her or tell her. I was done being the "I need someone to talk to about anything so I'll call Steve" guy.
I guess I wonder if you are at that point with her? Text like the one she sent conveyed info she wanted to send. No question, no query, nothing that required a response. SO why respond at all? Why indulge this "I need to text someone about Aretha......there is no one else.......so I'll text my consolation prize." In fact, as I look back this whole "we can be friends until we meet someone we REALLY like and want more with" is the same dynamic.
Anyway, IH just trying to give you a different perspective. I am often full of crap so ignore this completely if you want. But I have been mulling on AS's stance of you aren't or shouldn't DB her anymore. However, many of the concepts that DBing advocates applies to potentially new relationships too. And you and her are definitely that. Think about the girls that you met that were immediately overly clingy and needy. It turned you off didn't it? Now what if they were lovingly detached from the getgo? Suddenly your interest in them was higher. They weren't constantly calling,. texting, showing up at places you were at.
So if you felt compelled to respond, a simple "True." or something along those lines might have sufficed.
Anyway, I agree you shouldn't settle for the friendzone here.......but I think you shouldn't be in her friend zone as just a text buddy either. Just my two cents.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Good morning. I woke up to another text from WAW asking if I got my new car yet. I'll answer her later in the day but I sense she is preparing to ask to hang out tonight or tomorrow. I could be wrong but it's what I am sending is coming bad soon as I reply. I'll keep you guys updated.
Well Steve, I think you are confused because I myself was confused. As the day wore on yesterday I started to feel like I was being a jerk to her, for no reason really, by not replying at all. So I thought about it and determined that my REAL issue with her isn't the texting or the small talk...it's the meetups that were the annoying thing to me. They were going nowhere. So I decided that that's where I will focus my abstinence...on the meetups. That's what WAW wants most...to hang out...the texting she does is just to keep the reconnection we have alive so that those meetups can happen. But now I'm not going to be available for them as before. The meetups need to be in a romantic context. Say for instance this was a new girl and she texted me. I would answer her, but if I didn't see any romantic escalation with her she would drop to the bottom of the totem pole of priority for me. Meaning she wouldn't get immediate replies, she wouldn't get lengthy replies, smd she certainly wouldn't get a "friend" meet up. This is how I am handling WAW, the more she gives the more she'll get. Conversely the less she gives, the less she'll get.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
Damn spell check!! That second sentence should read "... it's what I am sensing is coming as soon as I reply."
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
In fact, as I look back this whole "we can be friends until we meet someone we REALLY like and want more with" is the same dynamic.
Yeah I kind of get that sense as well. I just don't think things are going to progress beyond the friendzone at this point. In situations like this I always think of the phrase "fortune favors the bold." If you sit back and allow the status quo then the status quo is what you get, but if you want something different you've got to hop in the driver's seat and take control.
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But I have been mulling on AS's stance of you aren't or shouldn't DB her anymore. However, many of the concepts that DBing advocates applies to potentially new relationships too.
To clarify, what I said was that he's not dealing with a WAS anymore. I completely agree that DB'ing techniques are for life, many of them never end. I use DB'ing techniques (validation in particular) with my GF, my kids and even people I work with. Here's what I was trying to say and may not have been clear on- this isn't a case of pulling back and giving her time and space and being a "friendly neighbor" to her, because she is no longer a WAS. I also don't believe simply going dark is going to accomplish anything towards bringing her closer. I do think this is a case of "state what you want". That's not something you do with a WAS, but it is something you do elsewhere in life. If it were me I would just tell her "I get the sense that you just want to be friends, but to be honest I am looking for a romantic relationship. If that's too much for you then I think it would be best if we parted ways so I can pursue that with someone else." If she says she's not interested in that, THEN go dark.
This is how I am handling WAW, the more she gives the more she'll get. Conversely the less she gives, the less she'll get.
Well again, "fortune favors the bold". My M made me very beta. Typical dinner convo would be "what do you want to eat tonight?" "I don't know, what do you want?" I'm not sure, what sounds good?" Etc. etc. Not anymore. When I go out with my GF I say "we're going to ride the bike over and have BBQ, OK?" I TELL her where we're going and if she doesn't like it then she needs to speak up. And not just about dinner, but about everything. And she said she LOVES it, she loves to have a man in control. Be aggressive and alpha. YOU make the moves. If she shoots you down then you blow her off and move on to someone more receptive. THAT is what being alpha is all about, you're not just putting all your eggs in one basket and sitting back indefinitely to see if any hatch. You tell her what you want and she has two choices, get on board or get left behind while someone else gets on board.
IH, I can understand that. But at some point the texting will become bothersome too. Just like my phone calls about nothing with Kayla. It was one of those things where I craved the contact so much, but after it was over it was completely unsatisfying. Kind of like when you are jonesing for a steak. So you order one and it is sub-par. You leave the restaurant disappointed because while you might be full, it wasn't what you were hoping for or expecting. In fact, you kind of wish you had just gone for a burger or something else instead.
That is the way it became with Kayla. The first few times her number came up on caller ID, and I didn't answer, I was anxious. But then as I waited to see if she left a message, and she didn't, I actually had a weirdly satisfied feeling. Like the sub-par nature of the conversation I just avoided was something I knew would have followed.....so then I went got a burger! LOL
When you get a text like that. THen respond, and she responds again. And the dust has settled, do you get that unsatisfied feeling? Maybe not yet but if this continues then eventually you will.
Also, let me ask you this, immediately after the D, would have been open to being a text buddy with her? Or would you have shut that down?
I am just spitballing here, but I feel for you man. I know you had your hopes up, as did all of us for you, and so far it seems like the sub-par steak.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hey guys, Yeah I can see how these texts would get cumbersome for me after time. When they do I will shut it down. Right now, for whatever reason, I just don't think on it too much. I guess right now my plan is to allow these texts as a means to keep the line of communication open so that I can be the alpha and push for the date the next time she wants to hang out. I figured if I ignored her yesterday, that would probably only induce silence. I need her to ask to hang out again at which time I will propose dinner and a band. I once read of a "false friendship" back when the bomb drop was relatively new to me and I was reading about saving my marriage...in fact it was around the time I found this site, ordered Michelle's book, and started my journey. That's kind of what I am doing here...fostering a false friendship as my "in." Then I exploit that slowly to push for dates. So basically this friendship is a guise, for me, to keep the lines of communication open for now until I reach the point where she rejects me. Then at that point I go dark and vanish...and she won't be wondering why, she'll know why.
Having said this I can feel it coming...she's going to try and initiate a meet up this weekend as soon as I reply to her car question. I could be wrong, but it's a feeling I have. So my date proposal may happen sooner here rather than later.
Last edited by ItHurts; 08/17/1804:20 PM.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
IDK, seems all so covert and manipulative. Is this what you would do with a new woman that showed some interest. Or would you just say "Hey, tonight XYZ band is playing at the State Theatre. Would you like to go see them, maybe catch a bite to eat before the show?"
Or would you wait for her to ask "can we hang out tonight?" before asking.
Obviously this is all uncharted territory for me. I've never divorced then years later tried for R. Maybe your approach is right and as I've said before now that I am older I am just more forward.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Well think of it like this. Right now WAW is really MY plan B. I'm seeing other ladies and having fun doing so. And let's face it...it is pretty obvious that R is not going to ever happen so for now I am entertaining her efforts to communicate solely so I have an in to push for a date...or maybe even a couple dates. If she wants to spend time with me it's going to be on my terms only. If she can't live up to that then she's going to have to accept that casual texts here and there is all she's getting. If she wants to see me bad enough...then she can go on a date with me...she had no other options at this point. It's put up or shut up time for her. Maybe I should say "put out" there LOL!
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
