Steve, I seriously am looking for guidance here. Maybe I'm just being daft, but if I'm missing something, please help me understand it.
Also, Wyoung just posted a comment in his thread that I feel describes my W perfectly right now, and I guess I'm asking the same question he is:
Originally Posted by Wyoung
One thing I realized is that my wife is actually detaching from me. How she behaves is very similar to what detachment prescribes. She only talks to me about practical matters. She rarely initiates contact. She doesn't talk about MR. She is treating me like a friendly cashier.... What's the best response to this? Detach myself?
That's what I was referring to by saying that things weren't working... They started to, but then stopped, and I'm trying to figure out if there's anything more than what I have been doing to course correct. I obviously want to save my MR if possible, but I also know that may not be. That's why I'm asking for help with GAL ideas that fit the confines of my sitch. I know it's unhealthy for me to not GAL and reconnect with myself, and it's also the least likely way to draw my W back if she'll even come back. I went through all of this with my IC on Monday, but he didn't really have anything for me. I'm hoping that maybe some of you will, having gone or are going through the same thing in your sitch.
This isn't a cry to help me save my MR (though that would be nice if it did, obviously), but to help me save myself!
Crouton, we've said it a thousand times, it's in Michele's book, it's in Cadet's first post to you, it's all over these forums- YOU MUST BE PATIENT!!!!!! It is FAR too soon to know if it's "working". It took your W a long time to get to this point and she's not going to reverse course in a few weeks or months. This is a marathon, not a sprint. There is no magic trick to make it all go away and return things to "normal". You've got a long ways to go yet. Work on yourself. Get out and GAL. Become the spouse only a fool would leave. Lose the codependence. Become strong, independent, content, attractive. THEN she may look back. But not until then. Definitely not now when you are still super needy and desperate. Be patient, follow the techniques and trust that they will yield positive results down the road.
I totally hear you, AS, and I know that what you're saying is true... That's why I'm asking for help with GAL ideas, or ways to reconnect with myself that fit the confines of my sitch...
What did you do to detach? How did you make it happen? I can't figure it out for the life of me...
Well crouton, it is a process. It isn't like you do a, b and c and NOW you are detached.
The process is first to get busy . GAL. Stop being so available and especially having too much time to thwart your efforts. Then you have to limit contact. You do not initiate contact.When she does only respond to direct questions, but with as few words as possible. Answer yes or no question with a yes or no. If you talk to her listen intently, and validate.
Read the detachment thread. Read the validation thread.
Your goal is to get where her words and actions no longer affect you emotionally.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Well crouton, it is a process. It isn't like you do a, b and c and NOW you are detached.
The process is first to get busy . GAL. Stop being so available and especially having too much time to thwart your efforts. Then you have to limit contact. You do not initiate contact.When she does only respond to direct questions, but with as few words as possible. Answer yes or no question with a yes or no. If you talk to her listen intently, and validate.
Read the detachment thread. Read the validation thread.
Your goal is to get where her words and actions no longer affect you emotionally.
See, this is where I'm struggling. I haven't been available and have been GAL as much as I can, but I also am mostly trapped here during the week since I have to take care of my S, which then leads to making dinner and checking schoolwork. In the evenings, assuming she's not coming in at 8:30 or later from working late, we spend maybe an hour or so together as a "family", and usually, that's eating dinner while watching a show. There's very little communication going on. I will admit, when things were going good, I was communicating with her more, but only when she initiated it. The weekends are different in that she usually goes off and does something alone anyway. Part of me doing a 180 is that for the last two years, I was unavailable because I was working two jobs, so I'm trying to at least be freed up on the weekends, even if we're not spending time together... I can still spend time with my S.
Where I'm really confused is letting go emotionally. I can change my action all I want, but emotionally, I'm still invested. I think this is the largest contributing factor to my sitch at the moment. What worked for you guys in combination with GAL, etc., to emotionally detach?
I was just reading burned's original thread, and Amoafwl said something that I really need to latch onto in order to detach emotionally (emphasis mine):
Originally Posted by Amoafwl
Trust me....you are not going be happily reconciled with everything figured out in one month. Think about where you are right now....you are competing with some other married man for the affections of YOUR WIFE. To me, that isnt someone I would want to be in a relationship with. I want someone that wants me....I dont want someone that could be tempted by some other person wandering in and out of her life.
I do want her because I love her, but I shouldn't want her unless she chooses me.
crouton, we have a saying for newbies struggling with detachment: Fake it until you make it. Overly simplistic? Maybe. But really it is that simple. You have to just go through the motions until the motions go through you.
It is like smiling. Psychology experiments have proven that forcing yourself to smile when you are sad or angry will release serotonin in the brain and actually makes you feel better. The theory is that the muscles you move to smile are the same muscles you move when you are truly happy (a REAL smile) and it tricks the brain into releasing serotonin.
So smile when you are sad! When she says something that hurts, smile. When you are feeling down, smile. But above all let her words and actions roll off your back like water off of a duck.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks, Steve. This is just the hardest thing I've ever been through. On top of possibly losing the love of my life, I'm also staring at a financial mess and possibly my business going under to boot. Stress, on top of stress, on top of stress.
So, let me ask for some advice... since I'm usually the one at home in the evenings with our S during the week and can't go out, in terms of detaching and GAL, do I:
- Make enough dinner for her on nights when she's working late? - Make myself scarce when she gets home or spend it together as "a family" with our S (who is aware of what's happening, unfortunately)? - ????????? (is there anything else I can do?)
I know this week when I've made myself scarce, she's taken it as me just being mopey/sulky/angry and then feels like I'm neglecting our S (completely disregarding the fact I've been hanging out with him for a couple of hours already). I know I have to do what's best for me, obviously, but I would still like to maximize my chances with her.
Steve, I saw you mention self differentiation in burned's thread, so I Googled it. I came across this article, and I think I get more what my aim is in detaching. In fact, I think it's exactly what my W was trying to say when she told the MC in that dumpster fire of a session that she didn't know if I could make it on my own, and is possibly one of the reasons she's moving to separate rather than D. In fact, it might even explain why she said that the most likely outcome is D, but still implied that it's possible to R.
The takeaway for my sitch is that, with my W or someone else, I have to become independent. Multiple times, my W said she felt like my mother. I don't want that. Now, or ever again.
