Yes but I think that when you are faced with only seeing your kids half the time you usually would, when you do have them it is sacred time and I’d rather not palm them off! Maybe I’m just too raw and new to this at the moment.
I am not saying don't spend time with your kids, but don't let the WAW/WW dictate your social life to you. "I'm going out tonight so you can't!" Bologna! I am going out to, ring the sitter. (I tried to use the UK vernacular there!)
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I'm just going to take a moment here and say that sometimes WAS's have VERY serious mental issues behind their behavior and personally I think that something like this is not pursuit, it's genuine concern for her well-being. Now you do have to be careful that it's not just some ploy to get attention that you're catering to, but if you genuinely think she's suicidal or such then don't sit back. There was a guy on here many years ago whose WAS left him and continued to spin out of control, a classic case of her leaving because she thought he was the problem only to find that SHE was the problem. He came back after being gone a while and reported that she had killed herself. There was another man here whose wife called and ranted and raved that she was going to kill herself and she was going to come over to his house. He felt it was an attention grab but he did EXACTLY the right thing, called the police and they met her in front of his house and hospitalized her. What I'm saying is don't try to fix her yourself, but don't ignore warning signs and be ready to call for help if you think it's needed.
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She answered, and all I did was just ask if she was okay. She said yes, why?
That's an odd response from her.
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At this point, I'm expecting anything from her coming home and saying she wants to R, to wants to D, to she had an A last night.
You missed the most likely outcome of all- she won't say a word and will act like it never happened. WAS's do stuff like this ALL THE TIME- cry, say they want to talk and then just seemingly forget about it. Don't ask her if she wants to talk about "last night", if she brings it up then it's fine to listen and validate but don't be surprised if she says nothing.
Well, all she really said was that all of this got to her, she was angry and upset, and that this is hard, and she didn't want to have our S see her like that (even though he was in bed already). She thanked me for taking care of things, and said she felt bad about putting us in that position, and that she didn't want to do it again. I simply said you're welcome, and that I understood. I didn't even question where she was.
We did talk about R a little when she said she didn't want us to be enemies, and she felt like that's where we've been this week. I told her that I didn't want to be her enemy, I never have and never will. I told her I'm still fighting for our marriage, and being her enemy won't help with that. I also told her I'd realized a bit more about where she is coming from in all of this, that we have to be independent and not rely on each other for happiness, and that she doesn't need to feel like she's my mother. She also said she doesn't know if she can trust who I am, and I suggested starting small with something to rebuild her trust in me. She didn't answer, but said she'd think on it since she was feeling bad (she ate something that didn't agree with her, especially since she's had her gall bladder removed).
I was able to touch her without her recoiling. Just small stuff like a squeeze of her hand, rubbing her shoulder, etc. while she was in pain from her stomach and even somewhat after the pain had subsided. She also sat on the couch with me during dinner, which is something she's completely avoided this week. Perhaps it was me getting her medicine, etc. that helped her see I'm not her enemy that caused this. I know it doesn't mean anything, really, but it's at least giving me a little hope since it's better than what has been going on for this week. I know I'm not supposed to focus on her too much, but regardless, I still want my W. As such, I'm still looking for signs of hope, but also trying to detach in case she decides she doesn't want me.
I also saw that she's still job hunting, which her job now has been a major point of contention between us. I know it doesn't mean anything, but still find it odd.
S and I are still going to my friend's house to help with his project today. I ended up getting in touch with an old friend through another friend, and he has invited us over to his house tonight, so depending on when we finish the project, I may be taking him up on it. Plus, his S and mine can hang out together (they're about a year apart).
The enemies thing is manipulation. As you detach she is feeling a loss of control and she doesn't like it. That's why when you started discussing R she fell back to the "I dont trust you stance. " Classic pursuit distance dynamic.
Keep doing what you've been doing.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Go back into your last post and think about the actions and words that worked and what didn't work.
When you made a suggestion of starting small, she had no response. Maybe she will eventually, but for now, that doesn't seem to have worked.
Saying you're fighting for the marriage and don't want to be enemies let's her know she still has you right where she wants you. And by that I mean you are the backup plan.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Well, this morning was a bit different. After I made my earlier post, somehow we ended up on a discussion about R (I can't even really remember how). I definitely pulled a 180, and told her that I didn't want to be with someone who didn't want me, told her that if we were separating I wanted Something to stay here since it's less upheaval for him and her schedule is so jacked up. I then told her that I didn't want to separate, but I understood why she would feel like she needed to, so if that's really what she wanted, to go ahead and pack her stuff and leave today. I told her I was done not being a man, that I am a strong and independent person, and I don't need her validation. I want her in my life to enhance my happiness, not be there source of it, nor do I want to be the source of hers. I told her in no uncertain terms that I'd be fine without her, even though I'd miss her. I also showed more empathy to her about understanding how my actions had affected her, so much so that she got pretty weepy as I expressed what I was going to do to correct my behavior, for her or for someone else. It all seemed to get through a bit... She's still here for now, at least. I think it really took her by surprise since it's not been like me to tell her where the door is in the past. She said she's still unsure what she wants to do, but I feel like it maybe broke through the wall a bit.
Maybe. But now you have to show het through action too. So be hot happy no matter what she says or does. Show her that you mean it and that they weren't just words.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Oh, for sure. S and I went and did the project with my friend and are home now. She's getting ready to go meet a mutual friend for a girl's night. I've been pleasant with her since I got here, even joked a bit and got her to smile, and have made it known that S and I are doing pizza and movies/video games tonight... I even told her to have fun while she was out. One thing she's brought up is feeling guilty for doing something for herself, feeling like she had to keep me happy all the time... I'm showing her that I'm strong and confident enough in my own skin to handle her going out without me.
Well, it turned out that the girls night was a spend the night deal. NBD to me, and I know how naive this may sound, but I really do believe that she was spending the night with our mutual friend. When she told S and me that before she left last night, I told her to have fun and we'd see her today.
I woke up to a text coming through from her this morning. She sent a link to a family friendly improv acting show, followed with a message that read "we should take S to see this". I know it probably doesn't mean anything, but I found it a little odd that she said "we" should, or really that she even shared it at all. I mean, why wouldn't she just file it away in her list of things to do with S and just exclude me altogether if she wants out so bad? Again, I'm not putting much stock into it, just found it odd.
Last night was pretty great with S. We hung out and had a good time. I have to say, I felt oddly at peace pretty much all day yesterday after doing the 180 I did with her yesterday morning. I've had this strange feeling like I'm being an adult while she's being a child, and she's slowly starting to realize that and wants to start being an adult again. Like she is maybe coming out of the fog a bit. I have absolutely no basis for this feeling, however, but I just can't shake it.
I did have one bout of an anxiety attack last night. S and I were watching a movie, and one character in particular was feeling underappreciated by her husband (Rosita in the movie "Sing" for those who have seen it). It instantly made me think of W, and my past behavior, and I felt guilty and sorry for her all in the same moment. I really wished W was here right then so I could relate those feelings to her and let her know how much of an a** I felt like, and how much I truly get things from her perspective. I know it probably wouldn't have helped me in any way to do so, but it's how I felt.
I still feel mostly at peace this morning, but I can feel a bit of anxiety trying to creep back in. It's not so much fear of what will happen to me if she decides to leave, but more that I'll miss her if she does, and it'll hurt. I just have to keep reminding myself that it will be what it is, and I can't change that.
