WW- Equalzr's saga pt 2. WW's & MLC'er advice plz

[equalzr]

Thanks Lane.

Im trying to hold it together, but im devastated even though ive known it was coming for a long time. She just went so far that i dont think she believed there was any coming back. She even made the comments a few months back that "she didnt deserve forgiveness" when speaking of God.

I couldnt help myself but to question her today when i found out. She held firm in not wanting a divorce for a long time, then wavering the last few months, and then this, so i wanted to know what made the decision for her. She told me that there had been no changes. I know not to listen to anything she says at this point, but man to think of all the changes ive made since this began, and addressing all of her issues with me, all of them. W refuses to say A ever had anything to do with it. Ive been taking a step back since finding DB, but it seems no matter what i did, there was no changing the course she was on. Being p****d and standoffish initially didnt help us, trying to change and please her made things better on the surface but didnt change things, and so far DB'ing has made things seem like im acting funny towards her even though i try to keep it pleasant around her i think she took it as a personal slight rather than me taking care of myself and bettering myself.

Now that i think back about it, i really think once i found out the details of the A and confirmed everything, that was the beginning of her changing her stance on this. I dont know if she felt she could drag it out until our S finishes school, or if she thought she had me as a plan b as long as i didnt know the details or couldnt prove anything. I do know that once i found out how deep the A was, she pretty much changed immediately.

Thanks for the prayer ill need them. You see this train coming from a long way away but it still catches you by surprise when its in your face. Ill do my best to GAL here in the next few days and beyond.

[LANE777]

How are you doing today equal? Hope your holding up! Just checking in on you.

[neffer]

I´m sorry equalzr. Just keep DB. You are making changes for you, it doesn´t matter what she says. Keep DB, GAL and detach. It´s hard but you need to get her respect back. But you can´t control her. Just keep moving forward.

Keep strong equalzr. You can do it.

[equalzr]

Lane thanks for asking.

Im trying to keep moving along. Unfortunately ive taken a few steps back and started slipping back into depression from this whole ordeal. The last 2 years have been very taxing on me emotionally and physically. Ive started searching for a faith based/christian counselor. No sooner than i started sleeping a little better and eating better (lost 20 lbs), this happens and sets me back.

Ill now start figuring out what direction i want to take with the BD. I dont want a D, but it looks like its happening whether i want it or not. Ill try to finish reading the DR book within the next few days and go from there.

Thanks Neffer! Ill do.

You guys are definitely helping me out big time.

[LANE777]

Equalzr,
Hey there my friend. Hope your night is going okay. I am glad you're trying. Its so normal to be depressed and feel down and out. 2 years is a marathon!!! Its hard to face the day and be the happy person you truly want to be. Keep the faith and know that heaven is on your side. And now that you've lost 20LBS. I call that my "back on the market diet"...all jokes aside. Just know you're a very strong person. You've been in the fire. For some reason, I feel that everything will be better for you soon. I think Ive said that before to you. You're W is a different person. The W you once new is in a sense "dead"... she's gone... The one that filed on you isn't the one you knew. So,thats a big pill to swallow. You were doing the right thing the whole time...remember that. You weren't the one out making poor choices on a daily basis. You weren't the one causing so much hurt and pain. You were the strong one doing all the right things for your family.
Its nice that you have some support on here. Keep coming back and update us.
Its time for you to flip the switch and move forward with yourself. No more doing time. Your now free...not exactly how you wanted ...but now you can choose what happens. Good luck equalizer! You Will Be Okay!

[equalzr]

It was an up and down weekend. I spent a lot of time just hanging out with my S, and also quite a bit of time working on future career endeavors.

Ths week i get to look for more lawyers and get as much advice as possible. The W wants to handle everything without lawyers, but im not sure how well that will work. Shes still under the impression we can live together and finish raising our S until he is done with school. Other than that, because i was a stay at home dad for the most part, she wants to cut me out of any equity in the house, any of her pension or investments, or anything else basically. Sounds like this is becoming a common theme for H's who paid for everything while W finished school and then the W takes over and they switch roles. I really rhought we were a partnership. Guess i was wrong.

This really [censored] that i dont even have a choice in this. Financial issues and an impending D are really weighing on me. I also have to get started looking for a new place too. The idea of sharing my S is killing me. Hes my life, and i want hkm with me everyday. Ive given everything to him and W over the years.

I want to get started taking classes asap. I just want to dive into it so i have something to occupy my mind for quite a bit, and better myself at the same time.

[uk82]

Your pain is palpable. And totally understandable of course. The selfishness which you see from the WAS in these situations is flabbergasting. You ARE the better person. You have done ALL you can do for your family. Just remember this. You have somehow got to remember who you were before the M. This is what I am trying to do. Go back 12 years and rediscover myself. It is hard. So hard. But you can do it.

[SteveLW]

It was an up and down weekend. I spent a lot of time just hanging out with my S, and also quite a bit of time working on future career endeavors.

Ths week i get to look for more lawyers and get as much advice as possible. The W wants to handle everything without lawyers, but im not sure how well that will work. Shes still under the impression we can live together and finish raising our S until he is done with school. Other than that, because i was a stay at home dad for the most part, she wants to cut me out of any equity in the house, any of her pension or investments, or anything else basically. Sounds like this is becoming a common theme for H's who paid for everything while W finished school and then the W takes over and they switch roles. I really rhought we were a partnership. Guess i was wrong.

This really [censored] that i dont even have a choice in this. Financial issues and an impending D are really weighing on me. I also have to get started looking for a new place too. The idea of sharing my S is killing me. Hes my life, and i want hkm with me everyday. Ive given everything to him and W over the years.

I want to get started taking classes asap. I just want to dive into it so i have something to occupy my mind for quite a bit, and better myself at the same time.

They all want to handle it without lawyers. That only works in 1% of Ds. Don't fall for it. You are about to go through a legal process and you need legal advice.

My W wanted the same. One of the huge wakeup calls to her was my contacting a lawyer. Reality is the only thing that snaps them out of it. The reality that D isn't an easy push of a button can sometimes be that reality.

[equalzr]

Thanks Steve and uk82.

I needed that advice from both of you. Im contacting more lawyers this week. It really is a mentally exhausting process. Knowing that there is nothing i can do is a tough pill to swallow. Dont get me wrong, im going to continue db'ing and making sure i do more 180's which i should have imemented even more of a while back. Regardless of all that is happening, i think these will make me a better person in the end.

[equalzr]

I let my self get sucked into a debate with the W today unfortunately. I dont know why i let it continue to happen. Started out sbout oir S and eventually came back around to me and me being the cause of a lot of problems. For whatever reason, whether i was the bread winner or stay at home parent, i never contributed as much as her according to her. Ive never understood this, i thought we were a team but i guess not in her mind???

Im starting individual counseling again this week. I really need to get in and begin healing/repairing. Im hoping i can begin to rebuild my confidence and hope to learn how to cope with whats going on better. Id really like to begin puttimg some order back in my life. Everything feels like its in dissaray right now. There is no rhyme or rhythym, so im not being as productive as i can be. I dont have any time to waste, so i need order, goals, and motivation. First two might be easier than the last one until i kick this depression thing once and for good.

I never want to feel this helpess again in my life, and that will be my motivation going forward. Ill use that to drive me. I still cant believe my M is where its at today. I dont even understand the point of getting married if you dont plan on being committed. Still having a hard time that my W thinks its ok to have an A, and continue to make me sound like a bad guy. I never asked for any recognition for what ive done, because im supppsed to do it, but its amazing how people have selective memories when they are trying to make themselves feel good.