Davide...well the only control I truly have in life is me. given that reality and my experience with present W, I very well may close up shop on future relationships/women. it is just too easy for women to walk these days and when they walk, they are done. look at how many of us LBHs are on here, totally clueless to much of what Sandi talks about, but totally dedicated to the love and happiness of our wives and chlidren...and yet it matters not. i know I'm melodramatic, cynical right now...maybe time will change that. thing is I know I could one day meet someone new, start off super happy with them, but the fact that over a short period of time I've had two women I thought were the loves of my life both just walk away like our vows/commitment meant nothing to them...I'm sorry I just feel like from what I've gone through I'd just be waiting for a new relationship to blow up in my face like the others. definition of insanity to try again I worry.
that's not to say I have not learned a great deal. i just truly don't believe in our current generations that the 30+ year forever loves that our parents/grandparents had is attainable anymore. we are a take/selfish people, if something hurts me, doesn't give me what I want, it is not my problem, rather the other person who can't provide it and as such I'm fully within my right to go onto a dating site, social media site, bar, wherever to get my fulfillment...if it hurts other people so be it...my needs must be met first. this is MY LIFE. so many pro-divorce resources to enable walking away, even HBO shows that glorify it, lest we forget the Housewives shows that also glorify it, dating around, getting what ME needs.
I'm just ready to drop her and be on to the next chapter in my life. there has been lots of damage done to me. I need time to be alone, work, take care of myself and raise my D. the wounds I have from this won't "heal" cleanly, they will simply scar over. as I say I don't care if she ever regrets as I will do my best to continue her "dying" to me. i try to believe God has a reason for my life going this way. I truly do pray to him asking him to keep other women FROM me not bring them to me. I love women, being a faithful, loving husband, a loving father. Not once in my 10 years of marriage was I ever discontent or unhappy about being married even when the MR wasn't great...specifically because my expectation is that no MR is ever going to be consistently happy all the time...my trust given my experiences is just shot to H8LL which is why the pull to just shut myself down is strong right now.
Love this post ballast. Love it. This sums up my feelings exactly. My W is only 6 years younger than I but we seem to have totally different values especially when it comes to M. She is absorbed with social media and reality TV. I cannot help but feel that these evil things have added further influence to my sitch and adding weight to the grass is greener viewpoint. Not to mention ‘normalising’ D as if it is nothing and it’s just something people do.
So so sad. I cannot save this and I cannot protect my children from this behaviour. I will just need to be strong and continue being the best dad I can be. I am also thinking my trust in the female species could well be damaged for life after this.
Your emotions are understandably raw at this point. You seem to be taking the right steps to heal yourself. I think that closing yourself off from further relationships is probably the right move for now, but in the long term it is cutting off your nose to spite your face. You are right that there are no guarantees and this could happen again, but a) hopefully you approach a new relationship from a healthier position with more skills, b) if you are more centered and sure of yourself you are likely to attract similar people. When you don't need someone to complete you but rather someone to share the happiness and joy that is already in your life I think relationships are more likely to work. Also, I think that living with that uncertainty and opening yourself up to be vulnerable is a crucial piece in living a full life.
Uk82, it sounds like you are hurting. That said, I would be cautious against overgeneralizing about all females (they aren't a separate species) or all younger people. Look around these fora, the WAS are men, women, older, younger. People hurt people. It can happen to anyone, by anyone.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
davide, I "hope" I am taking the right steps. yes my emotions are raw, although I don't feel they are at the micro level specific to what W did or didn't do, but rather at the macro relationship in general level if that makes sense. you know the whole touching your hand on a hot stove...well did that once, gave it a second chance...like I say my friends/family are all for "the third time being the charm", I'm just...it's a terrible thing to love being a husband, father, family man and yet fail at it repeatedly...just the sober reality of where I am right now...
and yes this walk awayedness is not at all exclusive to women at all. many ladies on here are dealing with appalling behavior by their WAHs just as us men. i truly believe this a modern day problem across both genders. we have been conditioned to believe that OUR own personal happiness trumps all, to take all we need and give back nothing if it does not suit us. my aperture from the male side is simply when ladies walk, they are far less likely to walk back. there's that one video Michelle did where she talks about how far some men have changed themselves, improved themselves and the ladies who left never appreciate/reconsider their D decision. every single time I watch that video, frustrates the crap out of me and not just for my sitch...but I guess nothing can change that...
truly believe this a modern day problem across both genders. we have been conditioned to believe that OUR own personal happiness trumps all, to take all we need and give back nothing if it does not suit us.
And I attribute this to the removal of God from our society.
People have been striving for a Godless society for decades. They shouldn't be surprised when that is exactly what they get. Society preaches no consequences, no accountability and then are appalled when someone actually acts as if that were the case.
B, your W, and all WASs and WSs have been bombarded since they were old enough to remember with these messages. It is actually a wonder that it isn't more common than it is.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
steve...I don't know that God or the lack of God is the main cause. with technology advances, ladies now deservedly having careers at the highest levels...men and women just don't NEED each other like they did in history. ladies don't need a man to protect, shelter and provide for them. folks don't need 4-6 children to raise crops, run a household, etc. modern times have just evolved marriage to a not required experience anymore. the rub is that men and women still want to love, have companionship, a family, the vision of what their parents had or perhaps dd not have.
it will be sad if one day we get to a point where men and women come together for personal benefit/feel good, perhaps have some kids, but then just live separate lives in separate homes. we are a selfish people...heck look at us LBSs...we NEED, we DESERVE our MRs and WWs back! it's hard not to be hypocritical about ourselves when you think about it.
there just has to be value/satisfaction in the struggle that a marriage truly is to be successful. have we lost the ability to put in that level of time/effort/dedication/work, are we just too selfish to stick with it when it's just much easier to pull up any random flame from our past or a new interest on social media and start over and let what was once good...just burn? for many folks I guess it is
Having read these last post and feeling your pain and frustration I feel that getting S or D is way too easy now. It will not surprise you that I concur with Steve85 that this trend is due to the removal of God from our society. In our current world it is enforced that we should strive to be Happy. Strive for our own selfish gratification call happiness. When we pursue what we believe would make us happy we end up chasing things like obsession with money and success,materialism, drugs, sexual immortality, alcoholism and other forms of self gratifying methods.
Instead of striving to be happy we should strive to be holy. Putting God where He belongs- First! In Western culture popular opinion holds that high moral standards are foolish, demeaning, and narrow-minded human constructs—impossible to maintain and are contrary to happiness. This lie has been remarkably effective. We seem to have to choose between sinning to be happy and abstaining from happiness through self-deprivation. If we believe the lie that saying no to sin means saying no to happiness, then no amount of self-restraint will keep us from ultimately seeking happiness in sin. Holiness doesn’t mean abstaining from pleasure; holiness means recognizing Jesus as the source of life’s greatest pleasure.
Now look at past centuries where God and the church were the focal point. You can still experience it in small towns now. Back in the day when God was more accepted. You could go to a town and see that the tallest and most elegant structured building was the church. And you would be able to see the tall church roof from many focal points thru out the region. Where priorities were God and family. Where Sunday was a day to spend with God and family.
Fast forward to today. The tallest most elegant structures are owned by the big conglomerates. Banks, trust companies, Companies that promote money wealth and materialism with the mentality that you need to do your utmost to secure as much money and possessions for yourself to gain ultimate happiness.
I heard something recently that stuck to me . It said " the best things in life are NOT things !". When people are on their death bed I don't think they fret about the type of car or home or possessions they had. They think most of the people that mattered - the relationships they built- broke or mended.
This is where we must return our focus to God - putting Him and family rightfully in the top priority. Striving more to be holy and in turn we will become happy.
My 2 cents.
Blessings.
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
so received a text about the D process. W wanting it to be done like months ago. um this process will take awhile. as if our case is the only one. the more irrational I hear her, the more I know no matter how I've loved her in the past, the only option is to move on and get away. it would be interesting? to at least understand her mindset. how W seems to have gotten more angry as time as gone on. I don't need it, again just more of a curiosity. i wonder if within side of her does W really know what's going on...anyway
Ballast, our sitches are so very similar. My W has also gotten angrier and angrier and is currently refusing to speak with me. Even messages and emails are belligerent and just trying to pick a fight. She also thinks this will take ‘a few weeks’ and when I mention probably 6-12 months or more, she shakes her head and goes into a denial mode. It is going at a rate of knots. Just trying to stay out of her way and not antagonise which is hard as even breathing seems to rile her. Where is their head at and what is making them so angry?
uk...I don't even bother speculating on time, I mean I have no idea. as you say best to stay out of the way. and I only wonder on the how/why they are like that as it's so illogical to me. just keep your head down, save yourself, kids and move forward. as I've stated in a prior post their actions go a long way towards moving me down the detachment road.
