You need to forget the OM. He is a symptom, not a cause. We all fall into that trap, but really if it wasn't THAT OM it would be another.
That is very true, but he still deserves something I'd say....
Anyway, in the last 15 min W's talking up a storm about her weekend, son's upcoming school stuff, foods she ate over the weekend, etc, etc. Most we've spoke in 3 weeks. I know it means nothing except that maybe she's comfortable speaking to me as a 'friend'.
She did say that we need to have a serious discussion about all of this, maybe this weekend.
Edit: She's still talking. Now asking me 'tips' for her upcoming girls fantasy football league. I'm thinking I should pull back a little. Fortunately it's almost by bedtime!
Last edited by Terapin; 08/21/1812:14 AM.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Terapin, are you seeing an IC? I don't recall seeing that you were, and if not, I think it might be a good idea. Anger, frustration, sadness and everything else that goes along with it is natural during such a stressful situation. Going to an IC can help you in the short term and you probably have your own issues to work on a bit as well in the long term. Your impatience, aggressiveness and temper shine through in your posts, and they seem to be big parts of your personality - perhaps just exacerbated by your sitch, or perhaps there already, I don't know. Either way, you would do well, as would your son and W, eventual recon or not, to get a handle on these aspects of yourself.
Also, stop worrying about what friends and family think of the sitch. In your anger at your W you are latching on to anything that will validate that anger.
As Steve says, forget the OM. The real issues are the ones between you and your W and each of your own individual issues.
M: 40 W: 37 T: 20 MR: 13 S13, S9, S4 BD: 1/29/18 Sep: 4/23/18 (I moved out) 8/24/18 I come home, she moves out
If you want to get out of the hole, drop the shovel.
Terapin, are you seeing an IC? I don't recall seeing that you were, and if not, I think it might be a good idea. Anger, frustration, sadness and everything else that goes along with it is natural during such a stressful situation. Going to an IC can help you in the short term and you probably have your own issues to work on a bit as well in the long term. Your impatience, aggressiveness and temper shine through in your posts, and they seem to be big parts of your personality - perhaps just exacerbated by your sitch, or perhaps there already, I don't know. Either way, you would do well, as would your son and W, eventual recon or not, to get a handle on these aspects of yourself.
Also, stop worrying about what friends and family think of the sitch. In your anger at your W you are latching on to anything that will validate that anger.
As Steve says, forget the OM. The real issues are the ones between you and your W and each of your own individual issues.
Thanks, and you're right.
No I'm not seeing an IC. It would be very difficult and awkward to do. As I said earlier, my W is a professional therapist. She personally knows, works with, or has worked with probably 90% of counselors in our county. So finding one that she doesn't know would be hard. I could always ask her for a referral to someone she doesn't know, but I don't think that's a good move.
Yes, like I said, I'm pretty impatient and do have somewhat of a temper. Not violently in any way ever, but things seem to get under my skin rather easily, especially recently.
I don't care about what friends think or say. Family is a bit of a different story, as we rely on them heavily for babysitting.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Well after being chatty cathy last night, she hasn't said much of anything so far today. Guess some days will be 'good', and some 'bad'. Weird. i haven't initiated much talk, and will go back to detaching
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
I found out yesterday that our mutual 'friends' that have been involved with this since the beginning, haven't been 100% honest with me about things. W is mad at them for exposing her and distorting some facts. When all this EA stuff came out (friends told me), I obviously believed them. And to be honest, they were mostly correct. But, I do realize now that they did kind of inflate the 'truth', place all the blame on W, in order to protect the OM (and themselves).
I know that maybe doesn't make sense, but the OM is a friend and employee of our mutual friends.
W had mentioned, and i know she's sad that everyone has turned their backs on her. The only relationship comment I made yesterday was this: "just wanted to say that whatever happens for us, we're not enemies, and ultimately I'm on your side as far as friends/family go. They don't matter to me at all at this point".
That was probably lame, and since she lied, (somewhat) cheated, and wants to 'fire' me as her H, it was dumb to say. But I also think she needs to know that whatever happens (reconcile or divorce), we'll always be a 'team' as far as our son.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Not seeing why this thing with the friends matters? No matter who inflated what to protect whom, your W willing engaged in this EA with OM. Period. End of story.
She has plenty of blame to shoulder for that. At any point she could have said "This is wrong, I am married, and I am committed to my H in all of his imperfections." DO NOT ALLOW THIS TO ABSOLVE HER OF ANY BLAME.
yes, what you said was terrible thing to say. Have we discussed NGS? Do you know what that is? Have you heard of the book No More Mr. Nice Guy.
T, if you think you can nice her back you will be sorely mistaken. The key to getting her back is to reattract her.And you do that by earning her respect....not by nice guying her back.
Last edited by Steve85; 08/22/1812:36 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Not seeing why this thing with the friends matters? No matter who inflated what to protect whom, your W willing engaged in this EA with OM. Period. End of story.
She has plenty of blame to shoulder for that. At any point she could have said "This is wrong, I am married, and I am committed to my H in all of his imperfections." DO NOT ALLOW THIS TO ABSOLVE HER OF ANY BLAME.
yes, what you said was terrible thing to say. Have we discussed NGS? Do you know what that is? Have you heard of the book No More Mr. Nice Guy.
T, if you think you can nice her back you will be sorely mistaken. The key to getting her back is to reattract her.And you do that by earning her respect....not by nice guying her back.
I agree w you. I really do.
In regards to the friends, when this all blew up, they told me all kinds of stuff. W obviously denied most of it, and repeatedly said not to believe everything u hear. But i did. Now i come to learn that while what she did was 100% inappropriate, some of it wasnt true. And by me not even hearing her out or believing anything she said (rightfully so at the time), any wedge between us had to increase.
Im not and will not absolve her from anything. And she isnt absolving herself either. Whether shes sincere about accepting blame i dont know yet. But she seems to be.
As far as ngs, im somewhat familiar. But i dont think me being too nice was ever the problem. Maybe in some aspects, but i dont think i was ever a pushover w anything. Our problems, according to her, were communication, support, intimacy, etc. So, while i completely agree w DBing, honestly a 180 would be to at least show some emotion, support, etc. Right?
Trust me, im not over this, nor am i letting her off the hook. It was a dumb thing to say. I guess i just wanted her to know that i dont care about other peoples stories and opinions. Whatever happens is between us.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
NGS isn't about being too nice. It is about using niceness to try to get your way. To manipulate people. "If I am nice to her then she will have sex with me" types of things. I highly suggest reading the book.
Just curious......how do you know what these friends told you was not true?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
NGS isn't about being too nice. It is about using niceness to try to get your way. To manipulate people. "If I am nice to her then she will have sex with me" types of things. I highly suggest reading the book.
Just curious......how do you know what these friends told you was not true?
Ha, maybe i should read it. Again i guess my point of the comment was to tell her im not putting full weight into the rumor mill.
Our 'friends' knew her and this dork were starting to talk/text. They never told me though. W told me, and our friends told her that shes just liking the attention from OM. But when it all blew up, they told me she 100% pursued him, and he had nothing to do w it. So, how could she be enjoying attention, if OM wasnt giving her any?
Friends are mad now cause shes never apologized to them. I know for a fact (yes, checked phone) that W did text them all an apology, and took responsibility for her part. She told them shes mad because they inflated and bent the truth. Friend replied that they had to in order to protect their employee.
Thats what i know for sure. There are many other discrepancies, but idk whos telling the truth.
Again, not that it matters in the grand scheme. W is at fault. But friends really did a number on her, and me
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
