ambivalent WW - detach? -- Part II

[burned]

Reading this thread from Zues:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2772942&page=3

Option A, since we are in MC, is to stick with it and see what happens. That's the long game, the marathon. It takes a lot out of me but that's only because I haven't done enough to GAL yet. Option B is to discuss in MC whether it makes sense to even do MC with someone who isn't committed to R. So, do I use MC to get to R, or do I wait for R to get to MC?

It goes back to what a bunch of you said earlier, which is that she won't do a whole lot of anything unless she starts feeling like she might lose me or that she wouldn't be able to have me. We fear loss and want what we can't have.

So I'm building up the courage to take action.

---

And just caught overrnbw's most recent comment. I do know what it feels like when someone wants to be with me. But then I get these temp checks and so forth. Like this morning. Hence Zues's thread, to clarify what counts and what doesn't. What I'm hearing is that a "good morning, how are you" every couple of days isn't nearly enough.

[SteveLW]

The problem with left behind spouses is we think we need to do something so we fall into the same trap as the WAS and do WHAT we FEEL at a given moment. This is how we end up looking back with regrets. The LBSs that struggle the most are the LBSs that feel like they have to act, and don't have the patience to sit back and wait. It is hard to see through the emotion to do the right thing. But almost assuredly acting out of emotion results in the opposite of what we want.

The most emotional and reactive of us end up hurting our sitches, but worse hurting ourselves. The regret of looking back with remorse for not having had the patience to NOT react causes them to look back with regret. "If only!" No one should have to live with "if only I hadn't done this...."

Most of the regretful posts I read here are because a poster jumped, reacted and said something or did something that they will now regret for the rest of their lives. Those that can use patience and self-control are those that can look back and say that they can rest in the knowledge that they did everything they could to save their MR, without regrets. Whetre or not the MR was actually saved.

So think carefully about Option B. And be ready for it to be your last MC session, and potentially the end of your contact with your W. Or you can stay the course a while longer and see if she comes around. I would just hate for you to look back with regrets.

[burned]

Steve, talk about good timing. I spent the whole afternoon/evening thinking about this. Re-read all of my underlined pages in DR. And I just reached that same conclusion.

My problem is that I’ve been listening to people who don’t know the details and have their opinions. They don’t know DB. I got myself psyched up to make a firm statement. Then I looked back on the small steps that have been happening. There isn’t MUCH progress but there’s some. Enough to want to keep trying, if I ignore just about everyone who says, “You’re suffering, stop letting her torture you.”

I’m going to do some more thinking. I think when I feel good enough about myself, I can handle the waiting. Thinking about OM is hard but that might pass. I can always use the “nuclear option” later if needed.

So I will keep up with GAL, stay as detached as I can, stay calm and positive, and so on.

The only thing that is tempting about putting my foot down is that I think maybe she is waiting for me to demonstrate that I have a spine. I remember noticing a small improvement when I told her about how I stood up to a person at work who was treating me poorly. Are there other ways I can show her that I am strong, independent, and able to defend her if needed?

Also, what is a while longer? I could probably handle another 4-6 months. But the last 2 months have been mostly stagnant.

[burned]

I should add that during our last talk about our sitch, she told me that maybe the best thing for me to do would be to just “let things be for a while.” I assume that means that rather than trying to fix it, she’s more comfortable with detachment. So my 180 would be to just act like I don’t care all that much about making progress. I do care about her, but I need to not care as much about getting my way on my terms in my time frame.

[burned]

Then just now she texts me about the smart thermostat back at “our” house and says, I’m trying to learn to take care of things myself. WTF. “Sorry to bother you.” I said no problem, glad to help you be more self-sufficient. She said thank you for helping.

She really is on her way out.

[burned]

Then she says she is frustrated, I say, I’m sorry, do you want to talk about it? She says no.

So I’ve spent 3 months in MC trying to figure out what her needs are and trying to get her to let me try to meet them. She felt that I was never supportive of her when she wanted to talk about feelings. So now I try to do better and she constantly rejects me and pushes me away. And in those 3 months I’ve gotten just about NOTHING from her in terms of commitment, reassurance, or even a single attempt to demonstrate trustworthiness. She went back to OM and then tried to lie about it to the MC until I forced the issue with photo evidence.

What’s the point?

[SteveLW]

Wow. A couple of texts from her and you're spinning out of control emotionally. This impulsiveness is what I was talking talking about in my last post. if you can't get a grip on your emotions then you'll end up fulfilling that which you fear most.

[burned]

Steve. Thank you for the reality check. It's true, my emotions do take control of me at times, and that is one of W's principal concerns. So now that we've identified that, time to work on it.

Step 1 is to avoid posting after beer.
Step 2 is to figure out how to learn emotional control. Is that something there are support groups for? And how would I find one?

I noticed that when I get "mad," not angry but productively animated, I start regaining a sense of personal control, making detachment a lot easier. In other words, knowing I can use Option B if I need to, and that I might have the confidence to do so, makes it easier to feel like I don't need to use Option B. Weird.

[SteveLW]

Can I suggest you stop drinking? At least until your sitch is resolved. Drinking inhibits reasoning, and you really need to be in full command of your reason until this all gets resolved.

[Davide]

Burned,

Are you in IC? If not, I would find an IC who does cognitive behavioral therapy. That can really help with managing emotions. I would make that a priority. There are some free resources online if you google "getselfhelp" which can also be helpful. Yoga, meditation, and controlled breathing are also great at-home tools for managing emotions.

Good luck.