I have never commented before, hopefully I am doing this correct! I am new here, BD, love you but not in love with you Sep 2017, then a bunch of back and forth mind changes from his end, until finding he was having an affair Dec 2017. (I was pregnant with our first child at the time.) I am 31, husband is 30, married almost 3 years, together almost 9. Right now we are in a limbo state I would say, I am trying the 180, giving him all his freedom and space. I am hoping we come back together, but he has been so back and forth I am really just trying to GET AWESOME and be happy and enjoy any time we are around one another (not much). Just reading this thread you have given me so much inspiration. I will have to go back and see how you got to this place of success. I am so happy to see that it can happen! Any words of wisdom from your end are GREATLY appreciated. I just posted for my first time on the forum, not sure it has shown up yet. But again, thanks for the quote about getting awesome, I think I may need to write that down and read it every single morning!
kech, sorry you are here. I am glad my sitch can offer some hope. While no two are exactly alike, any sitch can turnaround.
I will offer my advice and perspective in your thread, but thank you for your kind words. This forum is invaluable.I wouldn't be where I am today without finding this and getting advice, other perspectives, but most of the all blunt 2x4s.DO NOT SHY AWAY FROM THE 2x4s! The posters that struggle the most are the ones that are overly sensitive to be told what they are doing wrong.
See you in your thread soon.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So it has been a couple of weeks since I updated on my sitch. So I thought I'd give one since I've been thinking about a few things lately.
First, things continue to progress. I shouldn't even say progress, things have settled in and continue to be MR 2.0. W and I continue to be a team on most things. There is some stress as our old house has been on the market for 40 days now, with a couple of prospective buyers over that time that have grown cold. But even through that stress we are progressing and working together on things.
Last week we decided to go to an amusement park on Friday (since it is a holiday weekend for those of us in the US). D really wanted to go and take a friend. Since we hadn't done anything as a family except moving this summer, I thought it would be a good idea so i took the day off from work to support and go. Thursday night my W started talking about not going. That she had a lot to do around the house (unpacking takes a while!) and that we shouldn't spend the extra money since she doesn't ride the rides. (I'm a coaster nut! so I couldn't wait to get on the rides.)
I maintained that we needed to do something as a family, so she agreed to go. We had a great time too! We spent a lot of good time together. She didn't seem to mind waiting while I stood in ride for rides. And in general it was a really good day.
Interesting in the last week I've felt old anxieties arising. Things that used to make me snap in the past. I am trying to remember a specific example, but nothing comes to mind. But I've been dealing with this by repeating to myself in my head (and sometimes under my breath) "180! 180! 180!". This technique has helped me when I feel that I am about go back on one of the my positive changes since BD. I also try to always keep sandi rule #37 in mind! "37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes"
Overall, MR 2.0 is going great. W and I have had lots of good discussions about parenting and future plans, etc. She seems much happier than she did 10 months ago. We continue to flirt and have fun! I really think this is what starts to be missed in most MRs, fun. Everything becomes business, and duty, and there really isn't anything fun being done.
On R with D, things are better, but also I'm seeing a very troubling trend. She is very manipulative. When she wants something she is sweet is punch, and after she get it she resorts back to being surly and short and disrespectful. I've been calling her out on that. I know some of this is typical teenaged girl stuff, as well as the D and father dynamic, but she even does this to her mother. Last week she wanted a friend go come over for the end of summer. We had orientation at the school so we were going to be meeting this friends parents at the school that night, but with our move we are now 20 minutes from the school, and the friend lives 20 minutes further than that.
So she comes to my W and says "Can friend come over on Thursday?" My W says, sure. D is all happy. Comes back an hour later and says "So what time can we pick up friend on Thursday?" HUH? When she was called out on it she claimed that my W knew that inherent in the "can friend come over" question was that she had to go pick her up. I've been pretty insistent since the move that her friends are welcome over as long as they can get there, that W is not a shuttle service. So we struck a deal that she'd cut the grass and in lieu of her usual commission her friend getting picked up on Thursday was her commission. She agreed. But both W and I expresses our dismay at her lack of forthrightness.
Anyway, so that's the update. Mostly positive. Just a little warring within myself to maintain my changes. And some struggles, all be it much more minor than in the past, with D.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I�m happy for you and your family Steve. Just remember that teenagers have that kind of selfishness. Good for you on avoiding those mind triggers. People often say that MLCs are somekind of regression to the teenager life...be grateful to have only a teen on the family...;-)
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Steve, my D15 is exactly like that. It's like they learn it at school. A partial question turns into a misunderstood obligation. I like the "I have a ride home.." that turns into the "Can you come to get me?" They want what they want and don't consider the effect on others.
My W obliges these requests too much but sometimes gets pissed. Big difference at my house now is W is understanding when I express an issue with D15s discourtesies.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
