Just starting! Need some emotional support!

[Stryk2]

Ovrrnbw,

Both of us have jobs where we are use to putting up walls to do our jobs and not go crazy with the dark side of our work. I think things will go south because she will put up a wall to protect herself. We are good at that. I don't see her responding positively.

As far as an affair, I believe it or is an emotional affair. We have a very tight schedule and we always know where each other are. If there was a physical affair, it would literally have to be at work, during work ours, in a place where hundreds of people are. I have no evidence of a physical affair and don't believe it made it that far. I do believe after the initial EA, she was open to others.

We have been in the same bed since the BD and have never been apart for more than a week when I go to training from time to time.. Our daughter also sleeps with us. I know, not smart but we dont have another bedroom for our daughter.

For almost the last 9 months, another supervisor at her work was on bed rest for a pregnancy. My wife took on that supervisors job as well and has been under a great deal of stress. I was understanding since she is going after another promotion. I believe this is where she fell out of love. When she got home, she was so tired and stressed along with the responsibility of our S future and taking care of a 3 yr old, there was no time for me.

Being in law enforcement, I was always aware of not bringing the job home. I became the opposite of controlling and let things roll. I guess I became a push over.


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Marina7,

In 2013, I promoted and went back to patrol. In 2015 I hurt my back in a struggle with a suspect and could no longer carry the weight of the SWAT gear. I get shots for pain now. In 2016 I promoted to Sgt. and volunteered to work gangs. The hardest assignment at the dept. I did this with the goal of getting out in time to have enough seniority to pick a shift with weekends off so I could make all my sons games since I missed so many growing up. In 2017 I put in for an admin desk job. She always likes to tell people i dont have to work hard anymore and she works harder. In law enforcement you don't want to have to push a black and white your whole career and as you promote up the chain, you work more desk jobs. I don't know if she expected me to stay SWAT and super cop forever.

As far as weight, I gained a little. My hair got grayer and my job got safer. Nothing drastic.

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So tonight at dinner our son wolfed his dinner down and left for a study group. My D was eating slow and we were laughing. My wife was starring into space. I didn't ask what was wrong or what she was thinking because I now know that is pursuit or temp testing. We shall see how tonight goes.

Thank you all for your time and advice. I really appreciate you all.

[Stryk2]

After putting i put our D to sleep. I returned to living room and W asked if I wanted to watch our favorite show. She got an alert from social media and she returned the message and didn't pick up her phone again during the show. After, she brushed her teeth and came to say and kiss me goodnight. I said goodnight and see you in the morning. No ILY from her and I didn't say it either.

She usually gets on her phone in bed before going to sleep. I put the dog away. I'm emotionally drained so i told her i would be coming to bed in a few. She put her phone on the charger and set her alarm. No phone activity from her tonight.

Now to read DR for a few minutes before I turn in. Since im just starting to read DR, im getting most of coaching from this sight. I appreciate all your help. No anxiety tonight which is fantastic! I'll update tomorrow night.

[Cadet]

Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.

[SteveLW]

Both of us have jobs where we are use to putting up walls to do our jobs and not go crazy with the dark side of our work. I think things will go south because she will put up a wall to protect herself. We are good at that. I don't see her responding positively.

As far as an affair, I believe it or is an emotional affair. We have a very tight schedule and we always know where each other are. If there was a physical affair, it would literally have to be at work, during work ours, in a place where hundreds of people are. I have no evidence of a physical affair and don't believe it made it that far. I do believe after the initial EA, she was open to others.

We have been in the same bed since the BD and have never been apart for more than a week when I go to training from time to time.. Our daughter also sleeps with us. I know, not smart but we dont have another bedroom for our daughter.

For almost the last 9 months, another supervisor at her work was on bed rest for a pregnancy. My wife took on that supervisors job as well and has been under a great deal of stress. I was understanding since she is going after another promotion. I believe this is where she fell out of love. When she got home, she was so tired and stressed along with the responsibility of our S future and taking care of a 3 yr old, there was no time for me.

Being in law enforcement, I was always aware of not bringing the job home. I became the opposite of controlling and let things roll. I guess I became a push over.


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Stryk, be careful assuming how she will react, how she will handle things. Remember, you never would have predicted that she would get involved with someone else, so you won't always know, based on the past, how she may or may not react. LBSs come here and we all assume our WAS is the exception to DBing and it will never work. Avoid that thinking. What we know for sure is that pressure and pursuit do not work, so really what other choice is there besides DBing?

Also, be careful about dismissing the possibility of a PA. Another common mistake by LBSs. It is called denial. "There is no way she could have had a PA because she didn't have time!" I like to quote a good friend of mind who several years ago had a PA. She said that women will go to extraordinary lengths to find ways to meet with their AP. She had met her AP in the parking lot of the grocery store and had quickies in the car. And then went home with the groceries. Her H would have thought, "no way could she have just cheated on me, she went to the grocery store and came home with bags of groceries". Where there is a will there is a way.

Also, you talk about when she fell out of love with you. As if this were a single big bang event. "On this day she was in love with me, and the next day she wasn't." That is not usually how these things work. It is a slow process over a long period of time. It was little subtle things here and there, over the years, that led you to where you are now. This is why it is IMPOSSIBLE to turn this around quickly. You can not fix overnight what took years for you to get into. The problem with LBSs, and the ones that DB the worst, are the ones that are too impatience to let the techniques and principles work. It is a marathon, not a sprint. You cannot talk your way out of what you acted your way into. You cannot turn around in weeks and months what it took years to get into.

So be patient.Don't over analyze. 180 on anything you need to change, detach emotionally from reacting to what she says or does, GAL!! Stay busy. Stay mysterious with what you are doing. But don't just sit at home every night with her analyzing the minutes that she uses her phoine. Let her go to get her back!

[MoveFrwd]

I returned to living room and W asked if I wanted to watch our favorite show.

This seems like a great time for a 180. Instead of plopping on the couch and watching TV...what kind of cool GAL activity could you start doing at night??

I get that you are likely worn out. But I feel like one night a week (at least as a start) would not be a significant drain on you. And it is SO important. What are you interested in doing?

[Stryk2]

I just made it to pages 70. Barely scratching the surface of what to do. Your advice is great to hear.

I dont think I'm in denial. I just said I don't have any evidence of a PA. She could be banging a co-worker in the broom closet at work for all I know. I just dont have any evidence of a OM other than emotionally. At this point at least.

I assumed spending time with her with no stress or conflict was a good thing. But assuming isn't great. I dont know any better regarding DR'ing. I've read so much about this subject but I will not try to group all the books together and just apply what i learn from DR'ing. I just haven't been able to read as much as i would like.

This morning, she left her door open as usual and I walked up and told her to have a great day babe. I'll see you tonight. The babe slipped out of habit. She seemed put off by it and said bye as I shut the door. I think this will speed up her moving on.

Tonight is our S football game. It will be a busy night. I usually take care of our D so my wife can concentrate on the game. With his pending scholarship offers, we are so worried about him getting injured.

So I dont know if 180 will work tonight. I really dont know what the 180 entails yet.

I know I'm probably contradicting myself a lot. I guess I'm looking for reassurance from the group.

Thanks again all.

[Stryk2]

Steave85,

I was just able to read your post again. Dont over analyze. Copy. I'm having a difficult time forgetting everything I know and have learned in my job. It is actually how I started to notice a change. I read body language, micro expressions and what people say and don't say for that matter. I've become an expert to do my job better. It has really hurt me in the DB world. I'm trying to unlearn what I've learned over my career in the home front. Not an excuse, only a fact. Deep down, I know this is a marathon and not a sprint. Detaching is 1 of my goals in the coming weeks. GAL, detaching and 180. Still learning how to do them properly with only a surface knowledge of what they entail.

Keep reponding everyone. I dont want to keep making the same mistakes over and over.

[SteveLW]

Hey I am with you. Half of what I advise people on here are things I struggled with mightily! I am an over analyzer myself.

However, not over analyzing doesn't mean not analyzing at all. Nothing wrong with noticing those things. Body language. Behavior. What she says and what she doesn't say. Just don't dwell on it. Give it as little head space as possible.And certainly, absolutely, and most importantly don't react to it!

But this is where GAL is so important. The busier you are the less time you have for over analyzing. The posters that struggle the most are the posters that sit and stew over their sitch, stew over every word of a conversation, and over every text message.

It is completely mentally and emotionally unhealthy. So observe, note and move on. And stay busy!

[Stryk2]

Thanks Steve85,

I didn't mean to sound protective or defensive. I'm trying to write all my thoughts down for everyones feedback. I don't have someone to talk to yet. I set up an appointment with a therapist next week. Dealing with my time with the fall of my marriage compounded with the time with my daughter falling to visits is so difficult.

Anyone have good or bad experiences with therapists I should be aware of?

I was able to get to page 80 at lunch of DR.

[Stryk2]

Well the game was great. I really enjoy watching my S play and spending time with my fam. We sit with a bunch of parents every week. I take my D to the concession stand and my W takers her to the restroom. We always get invited to coaches after for after party. Another parent talked my wife into going. It's bring your own beer and potluck style.

I rarely drink but at a social gathering I'll hold a beer so that I don't make others uncomfortable. They all know what I do for a living. My wife rarely drinks as well. She decided to buy a case of Mike's hard Apple cider. I'm surprised but don't respond to it. We het to the house and wife goes and sits with other moms. I sit with another dad who also has a child the same age as ours. My wife grabs 2 drinks and brings me one. We socialize together and separately like normal. Then the shots come out. My wife hates shots and declines. I decline my request as always. Now the party is starting to roll. My wife sits a little closer as the conversations turn to sex, married life, love amd joking about spouses. My W is 3 drinks in and starts to get uncomfortable and moves closer to me. We stay a little longer as the kids are getting tired. As we are leaving, the moms tell my W, next week you drink with us. What do you want shots of? You name it we will have it. My W says let me think about it. I don't care for these parties since all the moms know each other and the dad's are all heavy drinkers. But they treat me well and I don't want to be a snob. Coach is always very grateful for us going and always takes me aside to express his appreciation for going. On the way home, wife starts conversation about how drunk so and so were. We laugh and chit chat a little.

We get home and routine the bedtime chores. D's teeth and PJs. I give my D a big kiss and say our love U's. I tell my wife goodnight and she begrudgingly says nite. Great night for me.

There really wasn't anything for me to try to read into about the night and there were no concerns about W behavior, attitude or anything. Pretty normal. We shall see how the week goes and see how the next after party is and if W drinks. I don't care if she does or doesn't. I'll do my thing regardless. But I haven't seen my W drunk in a long time so it should be interesting to say the least.

Night all