so received a text about the D process. W wanting it to be done like months ago. um this process will take awhile. as if our case is the only one. the more irrational I hear her, the more I know no matter how I've loved her in the past, the only option is to move on and get away. it would be interesting? to at least understand her mindset. how W seems to have gotten more angry as time as gone on. I don't need it, again just more of a curiosity. i wonder if within side of her does W really know what's going on...anyway
Wouldn't we all love to know what they're thinking! It will dissipate with time, it's been years for me and I've long since come to accept I'll never know, and beyond that I've come to accept that it doesn't even matter anymore. I mean what reason could possibly be presented in which I would say "oh OK now I understand and I am cool with that." None, there really is no valid reason for my XW to have left. "Irrational" is a fantastic word for it!
Anyway it sounds like you're doing well, sorry about this latest development but if you think about it, it really doesn't change anything in your sitch. Just stay the course!
You got that right B, the WAS helps the LBS with their detachment in some ways. It just feels like there is a gun held to your head and you are forced to fall out of love, give up on your future dreams and MR and move on with life all in just a few months. it is forced detachment. I would not worry too much about D, it will happen or it wont. It is a legal document at the end of the day, would any of us be better off with our spouses the way they are right now? Be strong and thank god you have your D3. You have so much to look forward to with her in your future life.
the irrational in W...just keeps coming and coming. i don't even think co-parenting is going to be possible. she likely won't even see me when it's for events in D's life. the level of dysfunction just has me shaking my head. i continue to have high confidence but only with circumstantial evidence there's an OM. it is easy to imagine W being in a PA given her current attitude, but very hard to imagine W being in a PA from as her H. trying to block the thoughts/images from my mind and stop my mind from going down pointless dark holes like that. sadder issue really is that IF W is then I don't think she would ever come back around to me and honestly I don't know if we'd ever be able to do the work of R to get back.
i should be happier as I'll be seeing D here again in another few days, but the just terrible sitch with W has me really down. i know the dysfunction she throws at me, i know I can't do anything about it and i also struggle mightily against myself when I start to think that this breakdown/breakup is entirely my fault. just have to continue to move forward day after day, not look too far forward and get through. like that one sermon I like "if the boat ceases to exist, grab a piece of what you've got left and hold on until you get to where you are trying to go". hope the others of you aren't hurting like I am today. wishing you all my prayers, grace, strength, patience and peace.
Hang in there Ballast. There is a light at the end of the tunnel even if you can't see it right now. Keep the focus on what you control - working on yourself, GALing, being loving and caring with your D. Be the best Ballast you can be, and let the W go.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
thank you Davide, that is definitely what I am trying to do. trying to remove all emotions from it, W wants out, reason irrelevant, what has to be done to make that happen, get it done, take care of me and D, move on life.
like stander said above to me there is no valid reason for her to leave, but if there is a valid reason to her then that is all that matters.
wonderful to have D back with me...having lots of fun together every day. a GF familiar with my sitch commented recently to me "why are you still wearing that meaningless ring?" I know she meant well and I get why she would say that, but it is not meaningless to me regardless of the status of my stitch. she said I'll give you until Oct to be unhappy, but then I'm going to start setting you up...can't say I'm interested in dating/being set up, but her "intent" is appreciated.
had a buddy come to me recently, close friend again familiar with my sitch...could tell he wanted to talk. turns out been married 20+ but is now 1 month into an A. std feelings, bored with day to day...enjoying the excitement and being wanted. said to me that what he's doing is tearing him apart. so he's speaking with me as an LBS about what he should do. meh...obviously it's up to him, thing is he seems to realize what he's doing is wrong AND seems to be wanting to stop it. it's weird to me how since my W left I've had 2 folks close to me admit to A's and come to me for advice. in each of those they say thank you and seem to be moving back towards their spouses. i'm happy to talk with them, don't judge them, pray for them. thing is I wonder if there is any of that going in my sitch. does W get any friendly advice like I provide to others? who knows...it's a selfish thing I know but hard to be helping others who seem like they want to R and then in my own...just nothing.
one question...I know really nothing about narcissism. wondering if my W would be considered one, given her complete physical avoidance of me for months now, only text/email, anger/spew and not the remotest of apologies/concern for me or what happened. also what continues to interest me is her constant need to continually state to me that D'ing is absolutely the right thing for us to do. like if you know it, why the need to repeatedly say it. meh I need more GAL to keep pushing me forward and away from my thoughts of her.
Remember you can control what you can control ;-) donīt try to figure out the ww minds...I have one all for myself...I try to keep it over my shoulders, gonna check if itīs still there...
Keep moving man!
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
also what continues to interest me is her constant need to continually state to me that D'ing is absolutely the right thing for us to do. like if you know it, why the need to repeatedly say it. Hi B, Haven't posted here in a while. I think this need to constantly reaffirm what she is saying about D is her trying convince herself that it is the right thing to do. She may think if she says it often enough she will eventually to believe it. Who in their right mind would want to break up a family if there is no beating ,cheating or abuse? What you NEED to believe is that you are a good man with good qualities. Be the best ballast possible! Never forget your belief in God. Trust in Him. Blessings!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
you're absolutely right. It's like in politics, where a lie gets repeated so much that eventually the line that defines right and wrong undergoes a shift. This is all for self serving reasons. My dad has told so many lies for so long that the truth seems a lie to him anymore.
Ballast, has your WW filed for D? She won't come around, but she wants you to respond to her calls, texts, and emails, right?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Wlf/Ovrr...W over time as consistently stated things like that. perhaps when she's angry as you both say it's to reaffirm her of what she's doing or could also just be her trying to stab me with the most hurtful things she can think of. as I say it just sounds odd that if a person feels a certain way, then why the need to constantly restate the obvious. my IC says it's out of anger which belies some pain/fear within her. only W knows for certain.
Wlf, I can assure you there was none of those 3 conditions from my side, maybe OM from her side, but W now says divorce is best for our D as well so I guess there's no problem for her in destroying the family, she must have other reasons that work for her. I do know I'm a good man, father and husband. for sure I could be better at all of those roles. I pray and speak with God all the time. trusting in him and his plan for me as my W's decision I can't understand...I find myself dealing with many "trials" these days.
ovrr...no, W has not filed. have not physically seen each other for about 3 months now. not one phone call ever. text/email, yes, but maybe once a week. W wants divorce months ago, but seems like wants me doing all the work. ummm...as I say there are LBS on here with confirmed OM/PA, living together, dinner, movies with the kids, etc. my W is just doing all she can to completely disappear.
anyway...as neffer says...just have to keep myself from trying to understand her. it's just seems extreme/irrational given how other sitches here even seemingly worse than mine can at least co-exist/see/talk to each other.
