When you said, " Second, I see some hope because he seems to not want to lose you." I broke down crying, because I have been waiting so long for someone to say that. People always say there is hope, but for it to come from someone who has been in this position feels very good. He has NEVER wanted to lose me, so to now feel like he could care less if he does seems outrageous.
It is crazy to know someone so well and want to shake them and be like WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! WHy are you doing this?! Get it together!!!!! But to know through DB that doing all of those things only pushes them away is so hard. I naturally want to grab him, hug him, tell him we will get through this, I will fight through whatever he is going through, I will put up with the disrespect if it gets us to the other side, if it brings back the man I fell in love with. The man who loved me more than he had ever loved anyone. Who, just 3 months prior to saying he no longer loved me, posted an entire post on social media for our anniversary about how much he loved me and never knew what love was until he met me. Never knew it could be so great, etc etc.......But then comes home 3 months later and says he doesnt want to be married anymore and was hoping I WOULD FEEL THE SAME WAY............What?!
I was 5 months pregnant! It was without a doubt the absolute worst time of my entire life. Such a horrible thing to do to someone carrying their child. I cant fathom it to this day, and if someone else I knew and loved went through this, I would most likely tell them to move on with their life and tell him to kick rocks. But yet here I am, a strong woman who can stand on her own two feet, completely floundering and falling apart to get her cheating husband back because I know how great we were together. We loved one another SO much, it was just us 2 and we always had one anothers backs and always supported eachother, and now all of a sudden none of that matters to him. Nothing matters to him all of a sudden. WHen he is home with me and the baby I can tell he is happy to be here with us, but then again I can tell he is happy to leave to go do his own thing too. I know he is cake eating and I am allowing it. But I just want to stick to being consistent and showing him consistency in the actions I take. I think in time if he doesnt improve and try to spend more time with us, I will have no choice but to ask him to leave. but for now its like I just want to see where the 180 can take me. Ive only been doing it 2-3 weeks very consistently and I am seeing changes in myself.
Does anyone have any detaching suggestions? I want to detach, I want to stop waiting to make plans just INCASE he asks me to do something with him. When he texts me and asks me if I want him to bring me dinner I want to say no. I want to make him wonder, I want him to be curious. And he does bait me by asking questions and saying theyre about the baby or whatever, to find out where I am going, but I dont know if it is really bc of me or the baby. He is very good at making me feel bad about things. It is strange.
But again, detaching suggestions are welcome, while still cohabiting and raising a baby together. Having such a hard time with the balancing act of it all. He makes comments as if I dont leave him with the baby enough, yet I dont have the opportunity to leave him with the baby because he doesnt come home until late at night. I know he has to wake up and take responsibility for the things he has done before he will EVER see any of this clearly, but we arent there yet. He is still living blindly
I am afraid if I ask him to leave again he will just go REALLY get deep with another woman and my chances will be lost forever.
He's ALREADY having an affair. There is no going deeper into it, he's already deep in it. I don't care if it's physical or not, ANY affair destroys a marriage. Honestly as long as you let this situation continue where he sleeps on the couch and parties every night and has his fling, you have zero chance of recon. I hope you understand that.
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I know I am a catch. I have a great job, make a good living, am a great mom, own a home, have a college degree, have amazing friends, amazing family, work out ( a lot now), I know I have a lot going for me. And right now he is a bar rat, living some half ass life that I would not want at this point in my life, yet I love the HIM that I have always known.
First, surely you see you deserve better then what he's giving you. Second, the man you love is not the one you have under your roof right now. He may come back some day, but you're dealing with an interloper right now, not your old, loving, family man husband.
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When I asked him to leave about 2 months ago, I explained to him it wasnt fair that I have to ask him for help with the bills when we went into all of these things together. And it was like all of a sudden he saw clearly and was so embarrassed he hadnt been helping me and he started texting me that he was going to do This and that for me and he was so sorry and he was going to get everything together and he was so scared about losing etc etc. And the minute he comes back home, it all goes out the window again.
Right. You know why? Because he did ZERO WORK. Nothing. He just threw a few words your way and you took him right back in. That's why I told you earlier you've got to set boundaries this time. There are conditions to his coming back, and he either meets them or doesn't come back.
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Or am I just showing him he can do whatever he wants?
I know you're just trying to save your M, but this is the message he's getting. He can do whatever he wants and you sit idly by. He's very much like a rebellious teen right now, pushing the boundaries to see what he can get away with.
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Comes home drunk as if I dont notice, its absurd. I do not know who this person is. But I am willing to be patient. If it gives me a chance to be with him again, I am willing to be VERY patient right now and control my emotions and my reactions to things.
You're right, you don't know who this person is. He's not your old H. Patience is great, but you can't do nothing and expect change. You've got to take action, and be patient that the results will eventually come.
...I truly think the best thing you can do for recon chances is boot him out and don't let him come back for 6 months minimum no matter how much he begs and pleads and promises. He needs counseling and that should be one of the many boundaries you put into place as a condition he must meet before you're willing to work on the M again. Another should be zero contact with OW. Another should be full phone transparency, as in he will hand his phone over any time you ask so you can review his messages.
This ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I am, a strong woman who can stand on her own two feet
This is the key. Hold onto this and DO NOT LET GO. You will be fine with or without him! This is your key to detachment, you are strong enough to be happy with yourself. You do not need is validation, commitment or presence to be happy.
Heed Ready2Change's last post very carefully. It is right on the money. As I said you have to take away his cake. Use the fact that he doesn't want to lose you to your advantage.
Read the detachment thread. And follow sandi's rules. Those are the things that helped be get better at detaching. If you read my sitch you'll see that once I really dropped the rope is when my sitch turned around. While I was holding on to her for dear life she kept fighting to get away.
It is like our cat. If I pick up our cat and put her on my lap and try to hold her there she will fight to get away with everything she has. But I go sit on the couch and ignore her, she ill jump up on the couch and come sit on my lap of her own will. When you try to force him to stay he will fight to get away. If you just let him be eventually he'll come to you.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
It is like our cat. If I pick up our cat and put her on my lap and try to hold her there she will fight to get away with everything she has. But I go sit on the couch and ignore her, she ill jump up on the couch and come sit on my lap of her own will. When you try to force him to stay he will fight to get away. If you just let him be eventually he'll come to you.
People want what they can't have. Make him want you. He needs to FEEL that he is loosing the best woman. He needs toFEEL that he has made a mistake.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
You guys are absolutely so right, but I feel like making him leave just ruins my 180 in a way. I am trying to focus on me and do things for myself and the minute I tell him he has to leave I feel like he is going to think everything is about him again. That he cant live here because I need to fall out of love with him, etc. Also, financially it works better for us both to be in the home, and with the baby. But are there ways for me to detach and accomplish these things with him still sleeping here on the couch?
