Regarding DBing, I say it's not working because it doesn't seem to be getting any results in our MR, except making her mad. I know the MC stuff is good, but our first conversation after BD she said that it's a possibility. Maybe she's more serious about it now, but again, nothing seems to have really changed in her overall feelings towards me/us.
So I went back and reread your first post. BD was a few weeks ago. And you expect a couple weeks of DBing to make her completely turnaround and want R and to work on the MR? Those are very unrealistic expectations.
This is what you should expect: Rather than pursuing and pressuring and ending up D'd and emotionally wrecked by everything, DBing will make you relieve the pursuit and pressure and give her and your sitch room and time to breathe. But more importantly DBing helps you to be emotionally OK to move on to the next phase of your life REGARDLESS of what she decides.
There is no magic bullet. There is no "do this and she will come around". If there were this message board would be so short because it would be LBS posting here is my sitch, what do I do? And one response to it with the MAGIC BULLET. If you are DBing to get her to come around to the MR then you will fail. If you DB to heal yourself to be ready no matter what then there is a chance she will get interested in your changes and come around.
ALso you told the story about issues causing people to bail on her. No one is suggesting you bail on her. Detaching is not about bailing. That is what listening and validating is to avoid! She talks, you listen, you validate. DO NOT get in a tit-for-tat, it will only make things worse. Read the detachment thread. Detachment is about you now reacting emotionally to what she says and does. It is not about BAILING on her.
T, just breathe.....relax.......dig in because this is going to take a long time. Drop the negativity, embrace DBing for YOURSELF not her, and learn to be ok no matter what she says or does.
P.S. MY brother took his son to see Metallica (my brother';s favorite band) when he wasn't much older than 8. Your son will be fine (though I do suggest earplugs).
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Regarding DBing, I say it's not working because it doesn't seem to be getting any results in our MR, except making her mad. I know the MC stuff is good, but our first conversation after BD she said that it's a possibility. Maybe she's more serious about it now, but again, nothing seems to have really changed in her overall feelings towards me/us.
So I went back and reread your first post. BD was a few weeks ago. And you expect a couple weeks of DBing to make her completely turnaround and want R and to work on the MR? Those are very unrealistic expectations.
This is what you should expect: Rather than pursuing and pressuring and ending up D'd and emotionally wrecked by everything, DBing will make you relieve the pursuit and pressure and give her and your sitch room and time to breathe. But more importantly DBing helps you to be emotionally OK to move on to the next phase of your life REGARDLESS of what she decides.
There is no magic bullet. There is no "do this and she will come around". If there were this message board would be so short because it would be LBS posting here is my sitch, what do I do? And one response to it with the MAGIC BULLET. If you are DBing to get her to come around to the MR then you will fail. If you DB to heal yourself to be ready no matter what then there is a chance she will get interested in your changes and come around.
ALso you told the story about issues causing people to bail on her. No one is suggesting you bail on her. Detaching is not about bailing. That is what listening and validating is to avoid! She talks, you listen, you validate. DO NOT get in a tit-for-tat, it will only make things worse. Read the detachment thread. Detachment is about you now reacting emotionally to what she says and does. It is not about BAILING on her.
T, just breathe.....relax.......dig in because this is going to take a long time. Drop the negativity, embrace DBing for YOURSELF not her, and learn to be ok no matter what she says or does.
P.S. MY brother took his son to see Metallica (my brother';s favorite band) when he wasn't much older than 8. Your son will be fine (though I do suggest earplugs).
As usual, you're right, and I get it.
No, I don't expect a quick fix. It took years to get us to where we are (at least according to her). I don't expect things to be 'great' in a few weeks. Maybe I figured when the EA blew up, and she said (and said again last night), that it kind of knocked her back into reality, and she started asking herself 'wtf am I doing?', I guess I figured her saying that would carryover into our R. Maybe it has a little bit, but I think it's more to do with being exposed, having her closest friends turn on her, etc.
Like, this past week was really good I think. We talked a lot, made dinner together twice, watched a movie together, etc. But when I went 'out' yesterday evening, that's when she got really mad, and we're kind of back to square one. That's my point about GALing. It seemed to have the opposite effect.
Also regarding GAL, i said i went out 5 times or whatever. That is a big 180 for me. But in addition to that, me and son have done several things without her, and I also have kept busy with other stuff. So while yes, it is helping me deal with the sitch, it doesn't seem to be helping OUR sitch (if that makes sense).
Before she left for work today, she made some small talk. She said for me to think about if I'm into MC, and she has 2 counselors in mind. Apparently she forgot she told me that last night. lol. I told her I'd be willing, but only if we're both 100% committed. She said 'I understand', and that was it.
I saw Metallica once back in 92 or whatever w/ GnR and Faith No More. lol. I could care less about seeing them now, but it does bum me out that I won't be there with my son for his 1st concert.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Like, this past week was really good I think. We talked a lot, made dinner together twice, watched a movie together, etc. But when I went 'out' yesterday evening, that's when she got really mad, and we're kind of back to square one. That's my point about GALing. It seemed to have the opposite effect.
Remember. like you she is on her own roller-coaster ride of emotions too. Just because she got mad last night doesn't mean you are back to square one.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thatīs why you need to read Cadetīs first post again. She is still driving the car T. Get out of it. Detach. Donīt get into R talks. Listen to Steve.
Remember: actions not words, and marathon not sprint.
You can do it.
Agree Nef. But the more I detach, the more she reads into it as I don't give a .... In a way that's good. But in a way it may not be. Again, she absolutely hated our/her friends for their role in all of this. Like, mad to the point she'd never talk to them again. I know they'd eventually patch things up. But, she had no interest in speaking to them until I started detaching (or at least she perceived me as detaching).
now, that could be a coincidence, or it could be that she thinks since I'm 'done' and moving on, she needs to reconnect with those friends so she has 'someone' to talk to about this. And if her #1 issue with our M is communication, shouldn't I be the one to be there for her (opposed to detaching, GALing, etc)?
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
holy cow you are saying way to much. You are pressuring her with the R talk. Don't get sucked into the R talk until she is saying how she wants to be committed, how she is so sorry, how the OM is gone and proving it to you.
The fact that she is mad that you aren't around as much, that you are out GAL, and not talking to her about "stuff" is good. She wants your attention it seems.
You need to validate when she does this, not rationalize. She feels a certain way about something - it doesn't have to make sense!
Quit shooting yourself in the foot and this may well turn around.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Like, this past week was really good I think. We talked a lot, made dinner together twice, watched a movie together, etc. But when I went 'out' yesterday evening, that's when she got really mad, and we're kind of back to square one. That's my point about GALing. It seemed to have the opposite effect.
Remember. like you she is on her own roller-coaster ride of emotions too. Just because she got mad last night doesn't mean you are back to square one.
Thanks. Yes, it is a roller coaster. Last night she was bringing up things that made her mad 10 years ago. Stuff that I never even knew about. She took some blame for not always communicating her needs with me, but blamed me for not 'knowing' what she needed. It's just really weird talking with her. Like, I'm a very analytical person. That's what I do in my job. So it makes me mad that I can't process this stuff. That's probably the hardest part.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Thatīs why you need to read Cadetīs first post again. She is still driving the car T. Get out of it. Detach. Donīt get into R talks. Listen to Steve.
Remember: actions not words, and marathon not sprint.
You can do it.
Agree Nef. But the more I detach, the more she reads into it as I don't give a .... In a way that's good. But in a way it may not be. Again, she absolutely hated our/her friends for their role in all of this. Like, mad to the point she'd never talk to them again. I know they'd eventually patch things up. But, she had no interest in speaking to them until I started detaching (or at least she perceived me as detaching).
now, that could be a coincidence, or it could be that she thinks since I'm 'done' and moving on, she needs to reconnect with those friends so she has 'someone' to talk to about this. And if her #1 issue with our M is communication, shouldn't I be the one to be there for her (opposed to detaching, GALing, etc)?
When women say "communication is the problem" what they really mean is "you don't listen to me and understand how I am feeling."
Proper detachment includes LISTENING TO HER AND VALIDATING HER FEELINGS. SO I am not seeing the discrepancy. Also, GAL gives her the time and space she asked for. And helps you properly detach (which again, is not ignoring her!).
T we all go through the "detaching and GAL won't work in my sitch" thing. The reason? Is because it feels unnatural. But the fact that it is unnatural is because it works! Go read black8's sitch. He went through this. Decided DBing wasn't right for his sitch, pursued and pressured his W right on the door, and then came back saying "I should have listened to you guys!"
Pressure and pursuit works in < 1% of all sitches. DBing greatly raises that percentage.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
holy cow you are saying way to much. You are pressuring her with the R talk. Don't get sucked into the R talk until she is saying how she wants to be committed, how she is so sorry, how the OM is gone and proving it to you.
The fact that she is mad that you aren't around as much, that you are out GAL, and not talking to her about "stuff" is good. She wants your attention it seems.
You need to validate when she does this, not rationalize. She feels a certain way about something - it doesn't have to make sense!
Quit shooting yourself in the foot and this may well turn around.
Yep, I'm a fool. lol
She's never 100% stated she wants to be committed to working on it. The closest is she's willing to 'try'. She's apologized several times, but again, it's hard to know if she's totally sincere. She's said repeatedly that OM is out of the picture. There's been NC. But, for some reason she felt the need to text him again asking him not to reveal the texts to me. She said she doesn't know if he even got it, cause she deleted his number. (how she 'remembered' it I have no idea).
It's hard not to get sucked into R talks, especially since she initiated it.
Wow, she just texted and said she was 10 minutes away from work and pulled over to throw up. Doesn't know if she's getting sick or something she ate this morning. My guess is stress and hangover.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
DB is counter intuitive T. But it takes time. Donīt get anxious. Relax, keep reading and posting. You must get her respect back. Believe nothing that she says. Read Overīs last post up here.
Have faith in yourself. Keep DBing. You have the strength. It will get better.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
