In 5 days it will be W and my 10year anniversary. Every day I’ve had crazy flashbacks of random events leading up to our wedding day. I have to drive by the hotel we had our reception at and the memories flood in.
I struggle back and forth if I should reach out to W or not, but know the DB method is to stay silent and if she were to bring up...validate and move on.
My plan is to plan a special event with my S6 and possibly my parents.
I’ve gone completely dark on W last 5 days and feel it’s having some impact. She has tried to reach out on multiple occasions thru texts, phone, FB messenger, e-mail, etc....I’ve ignored all of them.
S is still having trouble adjusting to his new school, and continues to say that it’s because he misses all of us together as a family. It’s about enough to break me....but I continue to just tell him once our house sells, we are going to make a special place for just him and I. When he displays his sadness, is when I really want to reach out to W and ask her WTF she is doing....but know i cant say or do anything at this stage to get her out of the fog.
Just frsutrating to get stonewalled constantly.....while she gets horrible advice from a toxic aunt thats on her 4th marraige and indirectly wrecked both ofnher own daughters marriages over stupid reasons. W also has started to hang out with new friends that are all divorced..FWIW
Has anyone else had to deal with a toxic influence that impacts WAS? Any suggestions on how to handle?
Me - 38 W-37 S6 M 10 years T 13yrs BD 3/18 W moves out 4/18 W files 7/18
Today W is hosting a gathering at her place celebrating her deceased moms 70th birthday, and I agreed to let her pick up S6 to take and be there.
Our correspondence was laid out clearly that she would have picked S up at my place at 4. Over weekend, S informs me that mommy said that her friend would be picking him up when she had lunch with him on Friday. This took me off guard as WAS never provided me notice.
I usually wouldn’t have made a stink of it....but this friend is a prohibitive weed smoker.
WAS tried to pull a stunt and texted me 20 minutes before she was supposed to pick up S6 saying her friend would be coming over as she was running “short on time”
I ripped into her....called her out and said she wasn’t running short on time 3 days ago when she informed S. W acted as if this wasn’t a big deal. I then asked her if friend had toked up today. Got the huff and hang up.
I should have stood my ground....but allowed her friend to take S6.
I texted her I’m done with self serving BS behavior....
It won’t matter, She still got what she wanted without consequences other than me getting riled.
Feeling completely disrespected and disregarded..
Me - 38 W-37 S6 M 10 years T 13yrs BD 3/18 W moves out 4/18 W files 7/18
If you really thought your son was in danger, why allow him to be chauffeured by a person that smokes weed all the time? Seems like a healthy and safe boundary to not allow him in the car with that person if you really have reason to suspect they might be driving while under the influence.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Davide - I let it slide as the celebration WAS was having for her deceased mom....who was more of a mom to me than my own mother. I guess I felt the time to make a stand shouldn’t impact an event in which it would have sealed my fate in the eyes of all Ws extended family and friends as to direction she’s headed towards.
I typically don’t care what other people think of me...as I’m good with the man I continue to be as I’ve evolved. But i keep a sense of hope still that I can right the ship.
And I know I need to be slapped with a 2x4 for: 1. Having expectations 2. Let other people’s perceptions impact my actions 3. IDK
I guess I’m just conflicted...tomorrow will be our 10 yr wedding anniversary.
Having lots of memories replay in my head.
Me - 38 W-37 S6 M 10 years T 13yrs BD 3/18 W moves out 4/18 W files 7/18
I’m starting to realize I’ve been tricking myself with all the work I’ve implemented on myself (IC, men’s support group, healthy diet, fitness, self improvement, faith, etc) with the underlying hope/desire that it would bring WAS back.
I say I’m doing this all for me on the surface....but when I really get honest with myself, I know it’s a farce.
Can anyone give advice on what they did to truly dig deep and get to another level to get to your best self?
I’ve shaved 70lbs and want to get another 10-15 to get the “Fight Club” physique back I once had....but know it’s not physical appearance that matters most...it’s within. And within is where I believe I’ve made tremendous strides...but continue to trip up and then have to reset and climb back up the mountain.
10th anniversary day came and went with NC with W. Celebrated with taking S6 out to a fun place to eat along with my parents. Trying to reframe everything in terms of what I have gratitude for since BD.
Me - 38 W-37 S6 M 10 years T 13yrs BD 3/18 W moves out 4/18 W files 7/18
Can anyone give advice on what they did to truly dig deep and get to another level to get to your best self?
Yes, first keep doing it. Eventually you will transition from doing it for her to doing it for you! We call it faking it until you make it.
Second, keep working on detaching. The more you try to detach, the less your changes and actions will be about her.
And finally, continue to work on the realization that you have NO control over her. If you are doing what you are doing to control her, then you need to let that go. For me this was the biggest epiphany, that I have control over exactly one person, me. And once I realized that then the changes I was making became more about changing to better myself than trying to get her back.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Have been going dark for 2 weeks. Only communication with WAW has been related to S. WAW has emailed me almost daily regarding things related to S...as he’s struggling mightily in school now. I don’t respond to any correspondence at this point as she will not have an adult conversation with me right now. WAW has been using our realtor or S teacher to act as an intermediary. Petty...
S was ahead in school until BD. W doesn’t think it has anything to do with it. S LL is Quality Time and was most happy when we were all together. I can’t and won’t point this out, as I know she has to be the one to realize it, but wish I could get through to her. S has been a wreck for 6 months now. WAW behavior and actions have been so self serving is disgusting. I do believe it to be full on MLC.
I continue to detach with love, GAL, 180’s.
I have to remember to believe nothing she says and only half of what she does.
Anyone have an idea if the severity of an MLC can impact the length before they ever come out?
Me - 38 W-37 S6 M 10 years T 13yrs BD 3/18 W moves out 4/18 W files 7/18
The distance b/t W and I is very distant and it seems her actions have been very calculated. Since BD I have never thought there could be OM involved, but in reading some other people’s sitch, I see a lot of similarities in how W became distant so quick.
I do believe the death of her Mom propelled her into this action on D and extreme MLC. But I keep getting an inkling that this guy from her past came to he M’s remembrance ceremony out of the blue could be at least an EA. I blocked W on social media a month ago for my own sanity.
I have to see W tomorrow for 1st time in a month for S doctors appointment and am all of a sudden caught up in how I will react around her. Last time I brought up S’s emotional state since leaving and said it had a direct impact since BD. W immediately got pissed and dismissed motion saying I was grasping to justify us to work on MR.
If I could only get her to get out of the clouds to see the damage that has been done..
Me - 38 W-37 S6 M 10 years T 13yrs BD 3/18 W moves out 4/18 W files 7/18
If I could only get her to get out of the clouds to see the damage that has been done..
We all think that. But she may never get out of the clouds. So what are you doing to heal yourself? How is GAL going? How are 180s going. You obviously have detachment work to do as you are still very focused on her.
Be your S's rock. She is a flake right now. Flakes can't be counted on. FOR ANYTHING. You be counted on.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
